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Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Bushfire Drama and learning to take pride in myself

So yesterday was a bit of a drama. One of the hazards of living in Australia is that bush fires do tend to occur, particularly if you live near bushland and in hot, dry summers and on a windy days.. well, lets just say that not many people are surprised if a fire or two pops up.

In the last year or so we have been evacuated 2-3 times. Nothing has ever reached our house, thankfully, and no lives have been lost but several homes, sheds and gardens etc have been destroyed.

Yesterday we got the call/text msg that we had to get out of our homes while I was at work. Often I think it would be easier to be at home when these things occur, at least then you are able to hear and see for yourself, rather than relying on second and third-hand information and patiently waiting for the latest update on the news and radio.

So after a stressful afternoon of fearing the worst I managed to get home fine,  hearing on the radio that they had it all under control. It was 4.45pm. My trainer msgd me saying training was still on at 5.30pm.

I can tell you right now, that all I wanted to do was to go to bed. To curl up and be grateful nothing had happened and finally not let me mind run around in circles, imaging what I would do if the worst had happened.

I have also been tired, so so tired. And feel like I am getting a cold. Which does not make me feel any happier.

All these things were running around in my head, even as I went and put my exercise clothes on, grabbed my keys and walked out the door.

She put me through a killer work out, and I came home even more exhausted and tired, and sore. But more importantly PROUD!.

More and more I am winning. I am going to training, and I am killing it.

No I am not as good as some of the other girls that I occasionally train with, but compare to where I was even two months ago, I have come a long way. I am training harder, longer and better. I am more determined.

And all I can put it down to is the fact that when I came back from holidays I decided 2013 was going to be my year and everything just shifted. After all I believed it was my year.

And people are noticing. Mum has noticed, and started to be proud and admire my dedication, rather than constantly watching me put another mouthful away. My work mates are noticing my weight loss, my trainer is thrilled and pushes me harder every day.

And my clothes are getting bigger and looser (?) and I am so happy.

It is tiring and painful. But it is worth it. Finally I can be proud of myself and my body again. :D

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

All the single ladies!

Ok, so being a young single female, meeting and attracting the opposite sex is high on the list. Only because I would like to settle down before I'm 30, and well that's only 6 years to find someone, get to know each other, get engaged, get married etc

I'm kidding of course. While I would love to meet that special someone, I am in no rush to settle down. Being single for the last 3 years has taught me a lot about myself, about what I want in life and also has given me the strength to get my arse into shape. Literally.

So for the most part I do not go out on a limb to meet any guys, whether it's going out or hooking up at parties, it usually ends at a conversation and a nice to meet you at the end of the night.

I must admit though, at times this has annoyed me. Mostly because I felt that I didn't have a choice in the matter. This was because I'd gotten so used to being the 'fat' one in the group, the ugly duckling so to speak and that I always just assumed to guys talk to me to be nice and get me to introduce them to my friends. This has happened a lot, so it's not like I come up with this stuff on my own.

But the thing is, it's not necessarily true any longer.

I realised this when I went out on the weekend for a hen's night. I was out with the girls at a club- I haven't gone clubbing in over a year- and I actually received attention, for myself. Which it took a while to sink in, but when a guy a) remembers your name and b) add me on facebook (facebook is the new mobile number ;) ) that makes it kind of obvious.

It came as a shock of course because I still see myself as the girl I was, not who I am now. Even though I am receiving more compliments, improving my fitness and generally finding clothes are getting bigger, it is still really hard to think of myself as being physically smaller.

Obviously it is a mental thing. Now I understand why some girls who have lost massive amounts of weight think of themselves as big and need to lose more, or still aren't confident in themselves, because quite simply inside their brain, they are the same girl before she lost the weight.

This is something which I think I need to work on, but I'm not really sure how to do it. How so I convince myself I am smaller than what I was? And should I really bother? Will it just sink in one day when I can fit in normal clothes and don't have fat around my tummy? Or is it something that I need to be conscious of now??

All I know is that it's quite nice to receive some male attention from time to time, but I am not ready to jump into a relationship any time soon. I still have so much I need to discover about myself.

P.S I wore jeans to work! By choice the other day!!! That is something that would never have happened before I started losing weight!! WOOP WOOP!

Monday, 18 February 2013

The things I should be grateful for..

On Saturday I went shopping with my sister and mum. Just another typical day really, we were helping my mum find some shorts, which is a big deal as she is about a size 12 but all the shorts are too short, or too long. And as a woman in her 50's mum is very conscious about how she looks and doesn't want to come across as mutton dressed as lamb, if you know what I mean.

Anyways, while mum was trying on some clothes that we had picked out for her, me and my sis got to talking about our body shape and sizes. My sister is naturally a size 10 and 165cm tall, where as I am a size 16 and 175cm tall. But surprisingly we realised that we are probably a similar shape (pear) because of where we put on weight. The difference is that I actually put on the weight. :P

Then she said: 'you know you could look like me'. :O Which was a bit of a surprise and shock to me. To even contemplate that I could look like her to be honest had never even occurred to me. Of course it took me a couple of seconds to remember that even if I lost all the weight I wouldn't look like her, for starters I am 10cm taller than her and I have broader shoulders and (I think) hips than her. (But still- wouldn't it be nice to be a size 10 and a flat stomach!)

She also said that she wished she had some of my height.. which of course got me thinking about whether I wanted to be shorter. The answer was a very big 'Hell no!'.

I mean while I hate being taller than most women I know, and quite a few of the men I know, I quite like my height and being tall. I never have to worry about losing people in a crowd or being pushed around too much, and feeling insignificant. I mean there are a lot of things that can make me feel that way, but my height is definitely not one of them.

The other things is, if I was shorter, I would be a lot fatter. I know that doesn't make much sense, I mean you weigh the same no matter your height right? Weight is weight? Except you will notice a petite person puts on 10kgs and you will see it immediately and a taller person? Well because it is spread out so much you don't notice it as much.

I mean, I know that when I tell people how much I weigh, or how much I need to lose, a lot of them are shocked, because for the most part I am only a bit bigger than the average girl. ( Average being size 12-14, and I'm a size 16) Even though I have to lose like 30kgs.

It doesn't seem right does it? Anyways I am grateful I am tall. It means that hopefully when I get down to 75 kgs I will look similar to my sister without having to lose another 10kgs! (One can hope anyway!)

On another note, I have successfully started training an hourx 2 times a week, plus a 45 minute boxing session. I'm walking most days inbetween sessions and have been doing my job around the park before my traing sessions as well. My trainer has noticed a huge improvement in my training and determination, and I am happy to report I have notcied a big improvement as well, around my bust and chest and lower thighs! Formerly clothes that were a bit fitted are now becoming looser and my bras are all over the place! Which is both a good and a bad thing ( I hate bra shopping!!)

So I have decided to start selling off my clothes, I have so many now that I am rarely wearing, and invest in some more work out clothes and bras as I keep dropping weight. I'm also going to try buying clothes that can adapt to me losing weight as well. I don't want to be spending too much money!!

Monday, 11 February 2013

Monday Madness

I am so proud of myself. Yesterday I started training for an hour instead of half an hour. I've only trained an hour a couple of times so I was pretty worried I was going to collapse or not be able to do it. But I made a commitment to myself that I was going to do it this year and that I wanted to push myself.

So even though I was quite nervous about doing my hour session I still went and did my jog around the park, it wasn't the best jog - but at least I did it!

Then I powered through my hour session, doing it in great time and everything that she asked of me. She was so happy with me!

I was so happy with me! I mean here I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do it and I did it! And better than I thought!

I also noticed a HUGE difference in my training, most noticeably with skipping and running. I think doing my extra jog is helping me a lot with getting used to cardio and increasing my lung capacity. I noticed that I can make 5 minutes jogging non stop on the treadmill a LOT easier than I ever could before.

I also did my skipping way easier and more consistent.

As I said before, my bottom part is changing quite a bit and more and more I find myself fitting into size 16's. This is a HUGE deal for me, because when I first lost all my weight (20kgs) I fitted into a size 16 comfortably, so to think that I am close that place again is A-MAZING.

My personal goal of course is to fit into size 14's bottoms so it's nice to know I am getting closer and closer to my goal!!!

I want this year to be my year. Last year was such a struggle, there was so much stress and emotions and I had to focus on getting my family through the year. This year however is off to a good start and I want to keep it that way. I have less stress, less drama and more time to think about me and what I want from life.

Does that sound selfish? Maybe, but sometimes to be there for others you need to be there for yourself first.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

The Constant Battle inside my Head

So yesterday I was tired, and sore from my awesome work out the day before and from about 11am I had a running battle inside my head: To go to training or not.

It went something like this:

I'm sooo tired, I just want to go home and sleep.

But you know you always feel better when you go.

Yeah but I probably won't put in as much effort if I go, and besides I need to rest my body too.

But it's not like you are going to sleep anyways so what's the point? And then you'll just feel guilty anyways.

But I've eaten really well today so it's not that bad..

Yeah but that's not really an excuse, you should do that anyways.

blah blah blah blah....

This happens to my quite often when I am tired.

But you know what? Despite the argument, one side is winning more and more.. and that is the training side. Lately I realise that I don't really have any worthwhile excuses, I'm not going to spend my time better, and beside going for half an hour to an hour still gives me plenty of time in the evening to do what I need to do. So really, why not train? Even if I am tired, I still need to exercise.

My evenings this week have started to take on a routine:

Get home, chuck clothes in the wash and change into my workout gear. Tidy up, maybe grab a snack and fill my water bottle. Jog the oval before training. Go to training. Come home and take the dogs for a walk (great way to fully stretch after my work out and the dogs appreciate it!). Come back, take a shower and make dinner. Have dinner and start planning what I need for the next day (work clothes, books, food etc)

Finally if I'm not tired I might read a book or watch TV.

It's amazing what you can fit into your day when you're not watching TV or just chilling out on the coach and by prioritising my health, I feel so much better and am able to get out and be in the sunshine for a bit which I love.

I fully understand that there are people who can't keep this sort of routine: children, weather, work hours can all get in the way. But by carving out a time and making a commitment to myself to exercise first before everything else I find that I can always make time for the rest. Especially as I come home energised and pumped after training that I just power through things.

Not everyone needs to train in the morning, evening definitely works for me!

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Setting February Goals

So what are your goals this month?

Despite grabbing Macca's on the way home.. that's Micky D's for you Americans.. I'm feeling pretty good about Feb so far. Possibly because my food intake in general has been really good, lots of fruit and veg, eating my cereal every morning and exercising more.

Less stress is also a huge one! I'm feeling far more relaxed and determined this year, that might sound like a contradiction, but being stress free about other things unblocks my mind to focus on me.

So let's keep that determination going with some monthly goals!

1. Before each training session I want to jog around the park.

So normally before boxing (which is at a park next to my trainers house) she would make us jog around the park as a warm up. I suck at running. I'm too heavy, I haven't done it in a while, and I start panting before I even start running (jks). Anyways I decided that I wanted to get better at this, and to stop myself from being the only one who can't jog the whole thing I would do it every time I go to training. So far so good!

2. Get a massage.

Ok, so probably not what you are expecting right? But I have been reading a few articles lately that say how important it is to treat yourself and your body with things other than food.. and massage was a suggestion. Seeing as I have only ever had a massage once in my life, and because now finally things have settled down and starting to be less stressed I thought it would be really nice to treat me, mum and my sister to a massage.

3. Eat fruit every day.

Ok so I haven't done this every day, but most days so far. I know a lot of people go on about not eating too much fruit, but I am one of those people. The benefits far outweigh any natural sugar you might consume. That and for me it curbs my sugar craving for unhealthy foods such as chocolate. I also really struggle to eat fruit, unless it's in front of me, chopped up and ready to eat, I probably won't eat it. So I want to change that.

4. Simplify my food.

Something I have been noticing lately is that if I reduce the number of ingredients in my food, it is a lot easier to prepare, I know exactly what it's in it,  and often incorporates more of the things that benefits me. Such as having a steak and veg, and no gravy. Having a ham and lettuce sandwich rather than some fancy salad, kebab or other prepared meal that I don't know what it contains. I can also focus more on what I am eating and each flavour involved.

5. Reduce my lunch sizes, increase my snacks.

So I tried increasing my lunch size so that I wouldn't snack outside of the 3 meals and it didn't work. Instead I was eating a massive lunch, dinner and snacks. NOT GOOD! So now I am going to reduce my lunch size and increase the size of my snacks. Clearly I am going to snack no matter what, so I need to make sure I can incorporate this into my diet. For snacks I have the choice of yogurt, fruit or corn cruskits with avocado and ham. 

Woo a few more goals than I thought I would do! But I think each of these are really important and if I can do them, even for just 80% of the time, then I will be in a lot better place by March!

**On a side note, I am finding it difficult to find clothes at the moment, my body shape is changing and what I know used to look good on my shape has now changed. I am also well and truly fitting into size 16 clothes- one of my personal goals, and one step closer to my final goal of getting into a size 14!

Sunday, 3 February 2013

Family sticks together

Something I realised last night, was that I have a really close family. Not in the sense that we know every aspect of everyones lives. But more that we tend to spend a lot of time together, and through the tough times, we stick together.

This was especially noticeable when last night, after packing up the last of our childhood home we went back and stayed at my sister's house and after dinner mum, my brother and me (and of course the dog) came back and curled up in the room I was sharing with mum.

We didn't talk, we didn't need to do anything. But I think it was important for us to be together and get some space after such a big day.

Me and mum get along quite well, and have done so for a while now. We've moved from that mother-daughter relationship to more of equals over time. My brother is a lot like me, he needs his space, his privacy and is quite sensitive. But he can have his moments, when he will come in and jump on top of me when I'm lying in my bed reading.

Casper, the dog, is part of the family, sometimes more human than dog. He is having a hard time adjusting from his life of sleeping on the couch all day with the occasional run around the dam, to the constant play my sister's puppy wants. But he seems to be coping well, and enjoys walks in the new suburb.

My sister and her partner are a funny pair. My sister is younger than me, but always determined to do things first! She left school in year 11, went and studied Beauty Therapy, and has been working for the last 4 years in different areas. She was the party girl until she met her partner Chris who managed to settle her down, and within a year they had a house, a dog and a bird. Though the bird is gone now...Chris is big on family and friends, always up for something and managed to make himself a member of the family after spending the first night over. ( It was mother's day, he stayed and helped us make the traditional morning breakfast pancakes, and of course helped finish them off!)

I have a father. But I find it hard to think of him as part of this family. He has been away for most of our childhood, and is now divorcing my mother.

Seeing my mother hurt like that cut me to the quick. And having to act tough and tell her to move on, to let go, was the hardest thing I have ever done.

Then of course there is me. The quite, eccentric and blunt older sister. It's funny, because when you see the rest of the family together, except maybe my dad, you can really see the likeness. And they make a good looking family.

I'm the odd one out, I take after my dad's side of the family and am the only one overweight. People often don't realise that me, my sister and brother are related because we all look so different.

 This is my family. And I wouldn't change it for the world.