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Monday, 23 April 2012

Chocolate be gone!

Ok, so everyone has that one thing that they love above all else and that tests their will power the  most. Mine is chocolate. Whenever something is bad, emotional or just plain boring- chocolate is the answer.
It probably stems from the fact that as a child we weren't really allowed sweets, so it just made having it that bit more desirable.
Safe to say, that now as an adult, with money, I can go buy chocolate whenever I want. Which I have been doing, sad to say. I go through stages, sometimes I'll go for weeks without any and not even mind, sometimes however I'll have to have everyday.
So when everyone started talking about Dry May- you know not drinking for a month, and for some reason they chose May. I decided that going without alcohol was easy, after all I barely drink unless it's a social gathering, but going without chocolate for a month would be hard.

I am now into my second week, and fairing well. It was a struggle over the last couple of days as I have been at a gardening expo for work and have had to deal with a lot of stress and running around, and of course all I wanted to do was to sit down at the end of the day with a large cup of hot chocolate and a couple of blocks of chocolate.

Besides that, I have had a massive blue with my dad, mostly about him being a jerk for putting his family in this situation- almost bankrupt- while he chaces his dream and doesn't care about what it does to the rest of us. That and he threatened to bugger off overseas and leave mum to deal with it unless she cooperated with him. Which is bloody unfair considering he has been cheating on her, for god knows how long, with how many women, who he bought gifts for, but wouldn't take mum on a holiday. So yeah I had a go at him. And now I'm exhausted. I'm just so sick of being the one that has to deal with this. Not saying that the rest of my family is not dealing with it, but I am the only one who seems to hold him accountable for his actions. Mum blames herself and doesn't want to have anything to do with him, and my two siblings love him too much to really say anything. Me- not so much.

To me, my father was the person who always seemed to be away, who never remembered birthdays, who yelled at me for not helping him on the farm when he was home, who expected me to know how to drive without anyone teaching me, and yelling at me for not knowing that I had to put my foot down on the clutch to change gears. He never cared about my school work, friends or life in general. And yet I am to blame for our Father-Daughter relationship. Gee thanks Dad.

But enough of all that. I am not eating chocolate, and am still holding out. And when I am done I will go and shout myself a new hair style I think.. I'm thinking something with violet.. :)

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Emotionally worn out

The last few weeks have been full of ups and downs. I work in media and have just completed my first milestone, I organised pretty much on my own, an event for the company I work for. It was hard, long hours and full of stress, but in the end it was great and well worth it. The side effect is that I was working longer hours, constantly worried and thinking about what I had yet to do, or what was going wrong, and guess what? I didnt go to the gym. In fact after going to the gym and then feeling absolutely rotten the next day, I decided to can the gym until after the event.

Besides that, my parents are seperating. It has been a long time coming, but it still makes it hell. Especially as it is in no way an amicable parting. My dad cheated on my mum, several times. And now my mum feels like its her fault for not doing.. something. So after a stressful day at work, I come home to depression and anger, and feel completely wrung out as I try to cheer mum up, tell dad what he is doing wrong and try and protect my younger brother and sister.

No wonder I don't have any time/motivation to start dating again.

The good news is, my event is over, it went well and now I can finally catch up on sleep and rest and start to be myself again. And yes start to go back to the gym. I am scared, because it has been almost a month without going, and while I haven't felt like I have gained kilos, I haven't exactly stuck to my diet either.

I am also scared because it is almost the middle of the year, and I feel like it happened in a blink of an eye. I had wanted to have lost at least 10kgs by now.. all I can say it is my own fault. But I'm not sure if I have the energy or motivation to get moving on it.. with so much going on it is hard to focus on my own problems and find the time for myself. I can understand now, why so many mothers have trouble losing weight, they put everyone else above themselves.

I keep saying that I am going to add a photo, but never do. Well here is a recent one of me and my friends out on the town for a birthday. Can you guess which one is me?