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Monday, 11 August 2014

This weekend was glorious

I had an amazing weekend. I managed to get done pretty much everything I meant to, did some great relaxing activities, caught up with friends, spent time in the sunshine and even baked!

I painted, I read, I watched movies, I did the cleaning, ironing and even managed to fit in a few walks with the dog.

It left me feeling relaxed, satisfied and proud. I didn't feel stressed, or that I didn't make the most of my weekend. I embraced it and enjoyed it and had plenty of downtime to boot.

It's coming back to priorities and what really makes me happy. Do I really want to spend all weekend eating junk food and watching movies? Does that make me happy? Leave me feeling satisfied? Or does it make me feel bad about myself, make me feel like I've wasted my weekend and created a binging cycle where I hate myself even more for the way I look.

I've started identifying the things that really make me happy and making sure I include these in my weekend. Sure I may have to work, or do some chores around the house, or do some of those mundane things. But the key is to make sure I block out some 'me' time. And not just wait for it to happen, but be proactive about it and make sure it happens and include things I really want to do.

And what do I really want to do? Spend time outdoors in the sun. Play with my dog. Talk with friends. Enjoy a good coffee. Be pampered. Explore around me.

I don't want to be sick, tired, sore and watch life pass me by. That is not what I want to be like.

Sure some people might say that I'm watching life pass me by because I don't go out on a Saturday night. But if going out, getting dressed up, being splilt drinks on, coming home, tired, seedy and gross is what entails going out and living life, then I am happy to pass that opportunity up. Life is what we make of it, not what our friends or peers do. Do what you enjoy, not what everyone else enjoys. Otherwise you'll only have regrets.

Thursday, 7 August 2014

Confidence; Do you have it and how do you show it?

I read a blog today where the author writes 10 things that she would like the confidence to do, a bucket list for confident activities.

It made me think about what makes us seem confident, and what we consider an activity that confident people do.

One of the items on the list was walking with eyes and head up right. Not downcast.

Now I am a confident person. I am confident in my abilities, my strengths, my weaknesses, I am confident that I know who I am and what I am capable of, and that it is not related to my body. Mostly. So for me, walking eyes up front is not something I would consider as being on my bucket list. I do it most days.

I think it also comes back to the philosophy of facing things head on- shoulders up, back straight and face your fears. I am the sort of person who realises my flaws and tries to work on them. To show that I am more than my fears and eventually overcomes them. For example; as an introvert, I hate crowds of random people and struggle to start a conversation. So one night I went out on the town by myself, went to a bar, sat down and tried to make a conversation with some randoms. It was a great night and it made me feel so much more confident in myself and my abilities.

Another lady mentioned that they wish they could wear a bikini in public. I actually did this in summer. Originally I had a t-shirt on over the top but it was annoying and baggy and was going to take my forever to get dry. So I was like you know what, I don't give a damn, and took it off. And swam and had a ball and even got a few glances from some males. No one glared or looked away disgusted. No one got up and left or looked me up and down as if to say 'you're wearing that?'. It was just another reminder to me, which is happening more and more, that for everyone person who bullies and bashes being chubby there are so many more who don't care. Who have family, friends, partners, colleagues who look like I do and all they really want is for you to be happy and get on with life.

It's heartening, encouraging and inspiring.

So what do I want the confidence to be able to do? I want the confidence to wear sexy clothing and not worry about my cellulite or stretchmarks or saggy belly (damn you weight loss!). I want the confidence to look someone in the eye and say 'Fuck you, I am beautiful too'. I want the confidence to be myself without having to worry about what people think, without worrying that I need to justify myself. I want the confidence to jog down the street and puff and pant and simply relish being able to run, not worry about the people will be looking at everything 'jiggling'.

Simple things, but important ones to me. So what does confidence mean to you?

Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Brain dump.

It's a great feeling to know that despite stopping my PT training, I have not gone off track. Well I did, for a couple of weeks (I was also sick) and am now back into it. I think for me it is all about routine. And deceiving myself into thinking I have 'options'. I eat porridge for breakfast every day, it took me a while to get into the habit, but now that it's ingrained I no longer have to think about what I'm going to have in the morning and thus open myself up to all the bad choices I could make. However I do allow myself to occasionally have a bacon and egg sandwich from my fav café every once in a while. This way I feel like I can still have my bad foods- but the difference is that it is quality bad food. Not a Macca's breakfast but a gourmet sandwich. So I feel like I am indulging and it makes it worth it. But it also a little out of the way, so it has to be worth it going there and not just driving on auto pilot to work every day.

Anyways, I do similar 'tricks' for the rest of my meals. So that I feel like I can have variety if I really want it and it won't derail me.

Now that I have stopped my PT though, I woke up one morning in a panic worrying that I couldn't fit into my pants anymore because I had gained weight. I was scared that I was slipping. And that's when I knew I could not let that happen. So right now I am concentrating on sleeping properly- a big one for me as I make bad choices when tired- and getting into an exercise routine. For me I need to make a choice and stick with it and eventually it just becomes ingrained. The key is to realise that you do have enough time to do something, you just have to realise your priorities. TV and reading when I get home, are not a priority. Exercise is, then getting ready for the next day, then I can chill out. And feel good about it too. Not feel guilty and look out the window or look at my gut and think I should have done something.. but I didn't. I don't want those feelings anymore, so I'm working hard to make sure they don't happen.

So far so good. It's been almost 2 weeks and I haven't skipped a day of walking. I've even started extending the walks, going up hills, or jogging for parts of it, so that it is more of a work out and to increase the variety. Needless to say my dog is very happy, he is loving all the exploring we are doing.

Today is the test though. It is cold and wet outside. So far I feel like I am capable of going for a walk in the rain, I'll just make sure I am rugged up. But when I get home tired and cold, will I feel the same way? Probably. But you know what? I'm going to go anyway. Because sometimes a little bit of hardwork goes a long way, and in this case I need to keep moving forward not backwards!

I have not lost more weight, but I haven't gained anything substantially either. I feel that if I keep in this direction I will be ok. I will just keep adding things into my workouts to keep me going until I reach the right point for weight loss. And really, I'm happier right now. I feel like a weight has shifted in my mind about my body, about how to look after it and exercise in general. I feel like if I was just a bit more toned (who doesn't want to be toned??) then I would be happy with my size. Because I am happy and I am healthy, and isn't that the main thing??