Cravings, portion control and in tune with my body.

I touched on this briefly my last post. But I honestly feel like I have finally started feeling in tune with my body. Hard to believe, I know.

What I am talking about is the art of realising when one is full. Of knowing when you are actually hungry and when you are bored. Of sitting down and enjoying meals and not picking constantly throughout the day. Of not eating just for the sake of it being 8am, 12pm, 6pm.

I am constantly surprised by this. Mostly because I am so used to eating all the time. To be constantly looking for the next meal. To have snacks and food surround me for fear of hunger.

Now it is different. Slowly but surely I am learning to actually listen to my body. What makes it feel good, what doesn't. Coffee my warm friend in the morning, is actually becoming a turn off as the heavy weight of the milk hits my stomach and makes me feel gross. Grapes I am loving at the moment. Same with banana and peanut butter on toast (random I know, but great when I get sick of eggs or porridge).

Once upon a time I looked forward to the weekend so that I could enjoy a massive cooked breakfast ( I love eggs). Now I can't even get through the same size plate. Instead I enjoy eggs with avocado on toast. Occasionally bacon for a guilty pleasure.

Cooked chicken from the super market actually makes me feel sick.

I still enjoy 'the good stuff'. I still occasionally over eat, as I adjust my eyes to that of my stomach and learn to say, 'I'm full'. But it is slowly but surely happening.

I am also delighted that my new partner has been very supportive. Happy to encourage me to do better, but appreciating me for who I am now. It's nice to have that encouragement come from a place of love. Too many people 'mean well' but their comments hurt rather than help.

So watch this space. Maybe 2015 will be my year after all!

2015 Update- Being Normal!

Been a while since I posted here. A bit has changed in my life. For starters, I am in relationship for the first time in 5 years. He also has a daughter, so my life has suddenly gotten a lot more complicated. Especially with him working away and living over an hours drive away. Suddenly I have to be a lot more careful with planning so that we can group our time together to save us from travelling so much.

But I am happy and so far most of my days have been filled with joy and sweet memories. It's a nice feeling after being alone for so long.

I am conscious however of the last time I was in a relationship and how easy it was to give up my way of eating and lifestyle and just go with the 'easy' options. Of trying to keep up with the partners eating habits and just putting on weight while they remained skinny (Men. sigh.).

But first an update on the hypnotherapy, it has been going really, really well. No longer do I feel the constant ravenous craving for chocolate or sweets. No longer do I have a constant battle in my head to resist sugar and only to cave as soon as I become to tired to resist.

Instead I am reaching for healthy foods. Or simply no longer as hungry any more. I am finding that I put more food on my plate than I can actually eat. Often half way through something I'll suddenly realise I am no longer hungry/want to eat anymore and just stop.

I have had chocolate, but it does not give me the same satisfaction that it used to. Instead I find myself disappointed and wondering why I was ever addicted.

It is a strange feeling for someone who has for most of their life constantly snacked. Constantly sought out the next meal. Constantly thinking of food. Constantly wanted chocolate. And now I'm not.

So now I am taking it as it comes and trying to not over think it and ruin what my body is doing naturally. Instead I am trying to focus on making sure I have healthy foods around me and on other things that can benefit my health like exercise, sleep and relaxation. I'm finding I know my limits a lot better now so trying to push my limits on exercise while making sure I keep well within my limits of sleep and relaxation.

I can't say that I can see progress in scales yet but I think that as my body realises this is what it is now (for good), it will slowly decrease. Really it doesn't matter as I am happy to simply not be a slave to food and be 'normal'. =)

Confidence; Do you have it and how do you show it?

I read a blog today where the author writes 10 things that she would like the confidence to do, a bucket list for confident activities.

It made me think about what makes us seem confident, and what we consider an activity that confident people do.

One of the items on the list was walking with eyes and head up right. Not downcast.

Now I am a confident person. I am confident in my abilities, my strengths, my weaknesses, I am confident that I know who I am and what I am capable of, and that it is not related to my body. Mostly. So for me, walking eyes up front is not something I would consider as being on my bucket list. I do it most days.

I think it also comes back to the philosophy of facing things head on- shoulders up, back straight and face your fears. I am the sort of person who realises my flaws and tries to work on them. To show that I am more than my fears and eventually overcomes them. For example; as an introvert, I hate crowds of random people and struggle to start a conversation. So one night I went out on the town by myself, went to a bar, sat down and tried to make a conversation with some randoms. It was a great night and it made me feel so much more confident in myself and my abilities.

Another lady mentioned that they wish they could wear a bikini in public. I actually did this in summer. Originally I had a t-shirt on over the top but it was annoying and baggy and was going to take my forever to get dry. So I was like you know what, I don't give a damn, and took it off. And swam and had a ball and even got a few glances from some males. No one glared or looked away disgusted. No one got up and left or looked me up and down as if to say 'you're wearing that?'. It was just another reminder to me, which is happening more and more, that for everyone person who bullies and bashes being chubby there are so many more who don't care. Who have family, friends, partners, colleagues who look like I do and all they really want is for you to be happy and get on with life.

It's heartening, encouraging and inspiring.

So what do I want the confidence to be able to do? I want the confidence to wear sexy clothing and not worry about my cellulite or stretchmarks or saggy belly (damn you weight loss!). I want the confidence to look someone in the eye and say 'Fuck you, I am beautiful too'. I want the confidence to be myself without having to worry about what people think, without worrying that I need to justify myself. I want the confidence to jog down the street and puff and pant and simply relish being able to run, not worry about the people will be looking at everything 'jiggling'.

Simple things, but important ones to me. So what does confidence mean to you?

Jogging- It's a big deal

So since not having a PT anymore, I've started looking into my exercise options. At the moment I am mostly walking and concentrating on health (still not 100%). However I know that if I leave it too long then I will get into the habit of NOT exercising and possibly fall back into other old bad habits.

I have never been a runner. But I have always admired people who were. It just seems like an easy free and freeing exercise. Much like cycling. Except that cycling in Australia you need a helmet for and also ride next to crazy drivers, which does not appeal to me at all.

Anyways yesterday I took the dog for a walk and decided, you know what? I'm going to try a jog most of the way to my (new) house which is a couple of blocks from where I am now. To my surprise, I actually could jog most of the way there and I also wasn't out of breathe so much as sore from using long unused muscles.

This was both surprising and heartening. I have always struggled with my breathing and it has always deterred me from taking up a few sports.

But maybe I am getting past that? Maybe jogging/running is something I can do after all?

I'm trying not to think too much about it and pressure myself into doing something that I might regret or end up hating. But I would like to give it a crack and see how I go. Maybe one day I'll be able to jog to and from my new house to the old? Maybe I'll be able to be one of those people who happily goes for a jog after work? Who knows. Time will tell.