Confidence; Do you have it and how do you show it?

I read a blog today where the author writes 10 things that she would like the confidence to do, a bucket list for confident activities.

It made me think about what makes us seem confident, and what we consider an activity that confident people do.

One of the items on the list was walking with eyes and head up right. Not downcast.

Now I am a confident person. I am confident in my abilities, my strengths, my weaknesses, I am confident that I know who I am and what I am capable of, and that it is not related to my body. Mostly. So for me, walking eyes up front is not something I would consider as being on my bucket list. I do it most days.

I think it also comes back to the philosophy of facing things head on- shoulders up, back straight and face your fears. I am the sort of person who realises my flaws and tries to work on them. To show that I am more than my fears and eventually overcomes them. For example; as an introvert, I hate crowds of random people and struggle to start a conversation. So one night I went out on the town by myself, went to a bar, sat down and tried to make a conversation with some randoms. It was a great night and it made me feel so much more confident in myself and my abilities.

Another lady mentioned that they wish they could wear a bikini in public. I actually did this in summer. Originally I had a t-shirt on over the top but it was annoying and baggy and was going to take my forever to get dry. So I was like you know what, I don't give a damn, and took it off. And swam and had a ball and even got a few glances from some males. No one glared or looked away disgusted. No one got up and left or looked me up and down as if to say 'you're wearing that?'. It was just another reminder to me, which is happening more and more, that for everyone person who bullies and bashes being chubby there are so many more who don't care. Who have family, friends, partners, colleagues who look like I do and all they really want is for you to be happy and get on with life.

It's heartening, encouraging and inspiring.

So what do I want the confidence to be able to do? I want the confidence to wear sexy clothing and not worry about my cellulite or stretchmarks or saggy belly (damn you weight loss!). I want the confidence to look someone in the eye and say 'Fuck you, I am beautiful too'. I want the confidence to be myself without having to worry about what people think, without worrying that I need to justify myself. I want the confidence to jog down the street and puff and pant and simply relish being able to run, not worry about the people will be looking at everything 'jiggling'.

Simple things, but important ones to me. So what does confidence mean to you?

Inspiration: What keeps me going.

There are often days that you just wonder why? Why am I still doing this? Why do I put myself through this for no reason?

Why should I have to watch what I eat? Why should I have to exercise and be sore and tired all the time? Why, why why..

The reality is we know why. Or I know why. Because I didn't take care of my body. I didn't look after it, respect it, give it what it needed and deserved and I ended up overweight and over 100kgs before I took stock of myself and where I was going.

I realised that I did NOT want to be an overweight mother who couldn't run after her kids or who died early from a heart attack. I did NOT want to be the fat friend who constantly missed out on things. I did NOT want to say no because I was ashamed of my body.

And to make that happen means hard work. All the time. It means a lifestyle change, it means never going back.

But there are some days when the doubt creeps in, those days when everything seems too much and you just want a break or give up and cave in to your cravings and indulgences.

On these days it's good to stop, take a breath and remember why you started this journey in the first place.

For me it's about the above. It's also about me fitting into clothes that I've never felt comfortable wearing before (figure hugging clothing, a bikini, sexy lingerie etc) . It's about becoming the person I want to be, the person I see in my head.

I found this really great quote on a postcard today: 

"I want to experience it all. At this very moment. Without hesitation."

Which I think sums it up pretty well what I want- without hesitation. I don't want to hesitate because of my weight or insecurities. And that's why I keep struggling, keep moving, keep exercising and eating well and moving forward. Because one day, I can say that is me.


This is an example of what I would love to look like and wear. Though with a little more curves ;)

Seeking balance and making new goals.

Lately I have been quite busy, with work and my social life, training and starting to date again.

It's left me feeling a bit scattered, unorganised and not in the right space mentally.

Thankfully for me starting this weekend I will get some down time and can finally relax and get myself on track.

A few things that have been happening lately:

I have started an online interior design course, which I just submitted my first assignment for and am now starting the second. It has been a few years since I studied and it's surprising how hard it is to get back into it, but I enjoy design and history, so I'm quite liking the course.

I am building a house. I am just finalising the home loan papers and then I have to start picking out my colours, ranges, tiles etc and all that. So that is going to be taking up some of my time and money. But it will be well worth it next year when I move into my own home.

I have started doing stairs with my trainer, this means that I am working out a minimum of 4 sessions a week, sometimes 5. It also gives me more variety and something else to try and improve. It is both disheartening and encouraging working out with women who are 10 years older than me and who are fitter and healthier than me. Thankfully they have also been on this journey a lot longer than me.

I have started dating again. Jesus, what was I thinking? It has been both nice and disappointing. Nice to know that there are genuinely nice guys out there and that I must have something going for me. Disappointing because I have yet to find anyone that I have a connection with. Plus there are some serious losers out there. Sad, but true.

I am slowly undergoing a make over. Longer more natural looking hair. Getting my nails done, and changing my style a bit. I want something a bit classier but still a little eccentric. I like my bows, buttons, patterns etc but time to tone it down a little. I want something more sleek and toned- kinda like the body I want!

I am trying to get my arse together and organise a few trips before I move into my house and have a mortgage. Hopefully go to Ireland, Canada and maybe Fiji or something. I want to do something because I know once I have a mortgage money and time will be hard to find and it will be at least a few years before I will be able to go travelling again!

Lastly, I have decided that when I move into my house I want to have a few of these things done. Like travel plans out of the way. Down to my goal weight (I really hope so!). Finish my interior design course. This is giving me some motivation to get things done- it's only a year away after all!

This year was/is for me and my personal life. Next year it will be about financial goals and getting some more experience/tools/training under my belt. Do some volunteering and work experience (interior design) and start looking at my career goals. That and I suspect I will be focusing a lot on DIY and craft things for my house. :D

As you can see a lot going on and a lot more to come. But I want to live life to the fullest so that means tackling things now, not later. Particularly as I want to have a family and who knows how that will affect my time and money.

Old clothes, new body!

On Saturday night I was heading out with the girls for dinner to celebrate my friends birthday. At the moment I'm living with my sister with limited clothes until we move into our new house (2 weeks away!)

Anyways, so my clothing is limited at the moment. As soon as they walked into my house I knew I had to go find something else to wear, they all looked dressed up and I was wearing a very casual shirt and skirt combo. So I quickly went out into the garage and searched for my suitcase full of clothes that I had packed away. When I opened it I knew straight away that I had very little chance of finding what I was looking for!

So I grabbed the first two dresses I could find then went and tried them on. The dress I chose to wear was one that was a little bit tight when I bought it, not uncomfortably so, but it was fitted. When I tried it on, it was loose! Luckily I had bought it fitted otherwise I wouldn't be able to wear it!

You can imagine my delight and surprise! I had only bought the dress not long before Christmas and had worn it once.

It's nice to see progress in my clothes! And to know that what I am doing is paying off!! Lately I have been exhausted from training and still doing really well with food, even when I slip a little- it is only a little! Then I just get back on it again.

Let's hope this continues and I can get into my size 14 jeans that I have packed away somewhere, it will be the first time EVER (that I remember) fitting into a size 14 pair of jeans!! :)

Hope everyone is going well and sticking to their training, be strong, be brave and remember: you are worth it! xo

The things I should be grateful for..

On Saturday I went shopping with my sister and mum. Just another typical day really, we were helping my mum find some shorts, which is a big deal as she is about a size 12 but all the shorts are too short, or too long. And as a woman in her 50's mum is very conscious about how she looks and doesn't want to come across as mutton dressed as lamb, if you know what I mean.

Anyways, while mum was trying on some clothes that we had picked out for her, me and my sis got to talking about our body shape and sizes. My sister is naturally a size 10 and 165cm tall, where as I am a size 16 and 175cm tall. But surprisingly we realised that we are probably a similar shape (pear) because of where we put on weight. The difference is that I actually put on the weight. :P

Then she said: 'you know you could look like me'. :O Which was a bit of a surprise and shock to me. To even contemplate that I could look like her to be honest had never even occurred to me. Of course it took me a couple of seconds to remember that even if I lost all the weight I wouldn't look like her, for starters I am 10cm taller than her and I have broader shoulders and (I think) hips than her. (But still- wouldn't it be nice to be a size 10 and a flat stomach!)

She also said that she wished she had some of my height.. which of course got me thinking about whether I wanted to be shorter. The answer was a very big 'Hell no!'.

I mean while I hate being taller than most women I know, and quite a few of the men I know, I quite like my height and being tall. I never have to worry about losing people in a crowd or being pushed around too much, and feeling insignificant. I mean there are a lot of things that can make me feel that way, but my height is definitely not one of them.

The other things is, if I was shorter, I would be a lot fatter. I know that doesn't make much sense, I mean you weigh the same no matter your height right? Weight is weight? Except you will notice a petite person puts on 10kgs and you will see it immediately and a taller person? Well because it is spread out so much you don't notice it as much.

I mean, I know that when I tell people how much I weigh, or how much I need to lose, a lot of them are shocked, because for the most part I am only a bit bigger than the average girl. ( Average being size 12-14, and I'm a size 16) Even though I have to lose like 30kgs.

It doesn't seem right does it? Anyways I am grateful I am tall. It means that hopefully when I get down to 75 kgs I will look similar to my sister without having to lose another 10kgs! (One can hope anyway!)

On another note, I have successfully started training an hourx 2 times a week, plus a 45 minute boxing session. I'm walking most days inbetween sessions and have been doing my job around the park before my traing sessions as well. My trainer has noticed a huge improvement in my training and determination, and I am happy to report I have notcied a big improvement as well, around my bust and chest and lower thighs! Formerly clothes that were a bit fitted are now becoming looser and my bras are all over the place! Which is both a good and a bad thing ( I hate bra shopping!!)

So I have decided to start selling off my clothes, I have so many now that I am rarely wearing, and invest in some more work out clothes and bras as I keep dropping weight. I'm also going to try buying clothes that can adapt to me losing weight as well. I don't want to be spending too much money!!

My size

Part of a huge goal for me is to remove all my plus sized clothing and fit into the "normal" section of the clothing stores.

That means anything above a 16 needs to go.

The other day I managed to fit into a size 16 pair of jeans. And not a very stretchy pair of jeans I might add.

Now that I can fit into those pair of jeans I only own two pairs of pants that are size 18. That's it. Done. My wardrobe now consists of size 16's and size 14's.

I would also like to point out that I am from Australia hence the chart below.

The average size of a woman in Oz is a size 14. So basically I am one size away from being "normal".

How weird does that sound????

The difference is I want to be on the small size of a 14. So basically I want to be closer to a 12 than a 16. More hard work but better for me I think!

I have upped my training, so I am doing 3 sessions a week. One of which is GX boxing, or high energy boxing. It's supposed to help work the arms and legs in a fun way and great for losing weight apparently.

I've already tried it a couple of times to see if I like it and it's intense! But it is good fun, and I did better in it than I thought I would ( always a bonus!)

I am hoping to be down to a healthy size 14 by April next year as that's when my cousin is getting married and when I next see all my family. That and it will be the next time I have to be all dolled up and get some professional photos taken.

I want them to look good. I want to be able to poster them all over my Facebook page and not have to worry about the rolls or the double chins etc.

Wish me luck!

Australia	UK	US
6	6	0-2
8	8	2-4
10	10	4-6
12	12	6-8
14	14	8-10
16	16	10-12

Fat v's Skinny: a Fashionable Debate

There has been a lot of controversy here in Aus lately about "Fat Fashion bloggers" and the increasing acceptance of overweight and obese women as beautiful. The debate comes down to those that are "Fat" and "Fashionable" debating that being fat does not affect their ability to be beautiful and/or fashionable and if they do not have a problem with it then nobody else should.

On the other side there are those that believe that they are promoting obesity and being overweight as normal and healthy and this can lead to an increase in weight for women and consequently health issues.

There are also those that believe that being Fat does not mean you can be beautiful, healthy or fashionable. That you have to be a certain size/shape to be beautiful.

As a bigger girl, I have a healthy interest in this debate. As a woman I believe that everyone has the right to look and feel beautiful and fashionable. If you can do that at any size, good for you. I also believe that it is wrong to discriminate against someone just because of their size. What size you are is your personal choice and it is wrong for others to say that because you are a size 20 (for example) then you cannot have a fashionable wardrobe or wear clothes of a certain shape.

I do not agree however that being fat is healthy and should be encouraged. I do not want to see our children and our children's children to become obese at a young age and never know that it is unhealthy. To have them grow up with health issues and never experience a happy healthy life.

I also think that there are many different sizes of "healthy" and that the current fashion industry is only just recognising this. Many "plus" sized models are size 12 and 14!! That is a healthy weight and size and is the average size of Australian women.

I personally would be a happy if I fitted comfortably between the size 12-14 Australian sizes. I do not think of my being size 16 as unhealthy, but I know that I have fat and am not the healthiest I could be. I do not want to encourage others to become like me, because that could lead them to be worse than me. I exercise and I eat well and I know that many people would not see that when they look at me.

I also think that I can be beautiful and fashionable even if I do have fat. This is a picture of me when I was at my lowest. I was still a size 16 and overweight. But I love this picture and I think it is beautiful.

Do you believe that you can be a beautiful and fashionable as a bigger woman? Do you want to encourage obesity and being overweight as healthy? Or would you rather that there was more acceptance of a broader range of shapes and sizes?

As long as we are healthy I think all shapes and sizes should be accepted.