Been a while

Hard to believe but I'm still here seeing as I haven't blogged in a while. Life has been so busy this past year that I just haven't felt the need to blog and just been enjoying myself.

So much has changed. I'm happier, less stressed. I've cut back on work and moved in with partner of 1 year. Reduced my travel time to work and went on an amazing trip to Japan.

In many ways I am in a completely different spot to last year.

And yet I'm still fat.

This is what has been bugging me lately. I'm happier, less stressed, eating better and I'm still fat. It's very frustrating.

As this is now the one thing I don't have 'right' in my life, it's come to the forefront a lot lately. I tried the gym for a short while, and as much as I love a good workout and feeling sweaty and strong, I just didn't enjoy it enough to stay consistent. I get bored really easily and don't know enough different exercises to change it up.

You could take that as an excuse if you like. But I'm trying to find something I can stick with long term, which means finding something I enjoy enough to keep going. So I cancelled the gym and have been focusing on walking the dog before and after work, which is something I enjoy and find really meditative. I feel alert when I get to work in the morning and helps me wind down in the evening.

I've also started the 30 day squat challenge and another one for abs. Which I find simple enough and easy enough to fit in each day at home. I think I'll look for some more challenges once I've finished these.

On top of this I'm looking into a PT once a week to help kick off the weight loss, and some classes that I can take with my partner which we'll enjoy and count as spending time together. So far looking at dancing classes, martial arts or some kind of sport.

While doing these I'm just focusing on enjoying life and trying to eat as well as I can.

What's new with you?

Retreat

It's hard for me to face the world. All I want to do is block it all out and focus on my thoughts. To try and figure myself out before I deal with people and their comments and looks and judgement.

It doesn't matter whether the comments are said out loud. It's all in a look, a gesture, a raised eyebrow or a turning away. That disappointment. They are disappointed in me.

Recently I took the plunge and joined online dating. After about 2 months, I've deleted my profile. I just can't handle it. The talking, the getting to know someone, developing that connection and finally meeting them. Then disappointment.

They are nice, they are sweet, they still talk to me and we become friends. But I am not what they are looking for, I am not what they are expecting. I am a disappointment, a failure.

It doesn't matter whether that's realistic or not. Whether I am imagining things, or whether I am being over the top. It's the first thing that comes into my head and it's the feeling that has accompanied almost all my dates.

No more. I am sick of this feeling. Sick of failing or the looks. Of being heartsore and lonely.

Enough is enough.

Enough moping. So you haven't met someone? So what. That just means more time with your friends, more time with family, more time working on your dream body and exercising and embracing life.

So what if people look at you for being the 'single' friend. The loner. Screw them. Life is meant to be lived, not spent waiting around for someone to make you feel 'special'.

So right now, it may look like I am retreating from the world, from dating and men. Again. But this time I am retreating in order to regroup, refocus and channel my energy. On me. The one who actually needs it.

Something that hurts

Something that always manages to hurt is other people's snide comments about what I eat. They seem to think that because they catch me eating a piece of chocolate or some hot chips that it gives them the right to criticise what I am doing.

They seem to think that just because I am not 100% sugar free, wheat free, dairy free etc etc that I don't eat healthy. That I am not doing 'enough'.

It makes me so angry and then it makes me sad.

Because every time I hear those comments I wonder why I don't push myself more, why I don't make those simply changes. Why I don't go harder, faster, longer...

It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. As if I'm the failure.

Despite going from not exercising at all to exercising 5 times a week.

From constantly snacking in my room after dinner to not snacking after dinner at all.

From barely touching fruit to eating fruit every morning, and feeling weird when I don't.

From skipping breakfast to eating cereal or wholegrain toast with boiled eggs every morning.

From shovelling fast food into me while in my car when I was hungry but too ashamed for anyone to see what I was eating.

From having fast food almost every week to less than once a month.

From drinking soft drink or juice every week to next to nothing.

From cutting back my meat consumption and increasing my fish and vegetables.

From going from someone who was about to go into a size 20 pants to someone who has to now go into a size 16. One size away from my goal.

From someone who was ashamed and disgusted with themselves and what their body looked like to someone who has finally rediscovered their confidence and joy in life. Who is HAPPY and who is HEALTHY and who is constantly improving.

Yes I am not 100% organic, sugar and wheat free. But my god I am a billion times better than what I was .

So SHUT THE F*** UP.

Mixing it up and increasing my sessions: bring on the new me!

So I have swapped my workout routine around. Hopefully it should help me to fit more workouts in overall.

What did I change?
Well normally I work out 4-5 times a week between 5.30-6.30pm, this included 2 x PT sessions, 2x GX boxing sessions and an occasional stairs session.

But often what happens is something will come up at work or I'll be invited out by friends after work which often results in a) cancelling my session or b) missing out on being with friends.

Also recently I have started volunteering with my local shire to help with an October event and they meet at Wednesday's at 6.30 pm.

So to stop myself from the temptation of cancelling my sessions and so that I can enjoy some free time after work to meet friends and get those annoying chores out of the way I have swapped my 2 PT sessions from Mon + Wed @ 5.30pm to Tues and Thurs @ 6am.

For the first time I will be working out in the morning.. this is going to be interesting!

I feel good about it though because I am less likely to cancel in the morning and it doesn't change my routine too much at all. I already get up at 6, so now I just get up a little bit earlier for my workout and get to work later.

I eventually want to get into a routine of working out every morning, even if it is as little as a walk/jog around the block in the mornings. I'll start slow and will eventually build up to working out 8 times a week.. well that's the plan anyways!

Since starting doing stairs I have noticed a real improvement in my overall fitness. Things like jogging, walking, bending, mountain climbers etc are all a lot easier. I think it's do with the type of movement- they all consist of bending my knees and lifting my legs.

For me as a pear, my bottom half is the part that needs the most improvement, not that my top half is amazing but it's a size to two sizes smaller.. anyways because I have always carried so much weight there I have always felt uncomfortable running, jogging and generally moving that area. This of course just meant it got worse not better.

So now finally I am tackling this issue and challenging myself and my body!

Once again diet is being re tweaked. I really fell off the bandwagon last week after jumping on the scales and being hugely disappointed. This is why I don't weigh myself!!! Now that I am over my binge I'm back to being motivated to getting myself down to where I need to be.

While I love that I have changed shape and that people can see the difference, the scales are still not reflecting my commitment. And amongst other things I want the scales to say 70-75 kilos. I don't mind being higher than that if I feel like my body is in a good place, but I still think I should aim for a healthy BMI.

I had a taste of mixed martial arts last night and really enjoyed it. It was very different but really practical, in the sense that you could actually use the moves should you need to defend yourself. Something I find quite reassuring being a young female.

So let's see how the new work out routine goes and hopefully if all goes well I'll be adding in more flexible workouts- walks and jogs etc to the routine and maybe by the end of this year I might actually see some results on the scales as well.. one can only hope!

Working-out.

I don't often post about what sort of work outs I do each week, mostly because I assume people are aware of the different work outs you can do and because this blog is pretty much just for me to blurt out all my feelings about weight loss.

So lately I have been working out quite a bit. Well at least for me I have. I have been doing 2 x hour PT sessions a week, 2 X GX Boxing sessions and when I miss one as I have had to work late, I have been doing a stairs session.

PT

This is amazing. I changed from going to the gym to getting a PT over a year ago now. I started doing just 2 x 30 minutes a week and I could immediately tell the difference between PT and going to the gym. Unless you're dedicated, motivated and educated in the different exercises you can and should do, I feel like the gym can be a bit of waste of time.

For example I would go to the gym 3x a week, work out for at least 45 minutes and just do cardio, bike riding mostly. Just because I thought that would be what burnt calories and what I was comfortable doing. I definitely wasn't comfortable doing weights or classes and I always tried to go to the gym at off peak times to avoid being seen by others. Yes I was afraid of being judged.

PT pushes me, it challenges me to do things with my body that I would never have thought of doing. It has shown me time and time again that I am capable of more than I thought I was. It makes me feel strong and healthy and I keep going back despite the pain haha. This means to me that this is right for me.

Starting this year I stared doing 2x 1 hour session after some pushing from my trainer. My trainer thought I wouldn't come back after my hour session! But I realised that I could do it and that I needed to constantly push myself to keep going and not plateau. This is where GX came in.

 

GX Boxing

GX is a form of high intensity boxing. Or rather exercising using boxing moves. So no fighting in the ring! We do several punch/kick combinations, each one 3 times and rotating with your partner. (You hit, they hit etc) The first time is to get used to the moves, the second is for strength (hit as hard as you can) and third for speed.

After your punches/kicks we always end with 2 minute knock out rounds. This is where my trainer (who runs these classes) chooses 3 exercises and we have to do each one for 2 minutes. This could be squats, lunges, burpees, push ups, planks, sit ups etc etc it changes constantly.

It is amazing and sweaty and makes you feel strong and powerful and even 6 months in I still feel it the next day.

Stairs

Stairs is something I have only recently started doing. Again from being pushed by my trainer. She runs a class on Thursday nights at the local stairs (30 steps approx). Usually we do something like 5 (up and down) stairs then push ups. 5 stairs, tricep dips, 5 stairs something else. Usually about 25-30 stairs before ending with an ab workout.

It is exhausting and I hate it. But it is a great work out and means that I can keep doing 4 sessions a week even if I miss one of my other classes.

The main thing I love about these work outs is that they challenge me. I never feel like something is getting too easy, because the work outs are always changing and getting harder.

I also love the mix of weights and cardio. I love weights and I hate cardio, but I know I need to do cardio as well. I feel like I am building muscle and losing fat and slowly cardio is getting easier for me. Easier not Easy!

Last night I tried on some pants that I kept from when I was at my smallest. I can now get them up over my thighs but I cannot do them up. Needless to say I had mixed feelings. Joy that I could get them up so far and am so close to being back to where I used to be and disappointment that I was so small and let myself go and am still not at that point anymore.

Ah well. I am probably healthier and stronger mentally and physically than I was anyway. Always look on the bright side!

Self Harm and Foods

There are many ways of hurting yourself, and mine was chocolate.

Now this might not sound like I'm doing myself any harm, and was actually rewarding myself, but I wasn't.

You see I get sick from eating rich foods, so cream, chocolate cake, chocolate, anything really rich, and generally sweet and not long after eating some, I would be gagging and trying to bring it up (and not by choice.)

When I was particularly down and unhappy with myself, hating myself for my eating choices, the way I looked, what I was doing to myself and generally having a pity party, I would have to have chocolate.

Except instead of stopping at a couple of pieces I would the entire block until I was physically sick.

And my reasoning for my behaviour? I deserved it. I deserved to be sick for the way I treated myself, for eating the way I did. For being fat, for giving in to temptation, for not being better, stronger, healthier etc etc

Thinking about it now, I realise of course that it was not reasonable, it was not sensible, and it certainly didn't help me and my weight. But of course, like many things, you only see that when you look back.

I still struggle with that today. I still struggle not to punish myself unnecessarily for giving in to temptation, for falling of the band wagon, for having something I shouldn't, or for not reaching my goals in time, for not pushing myself harder, faster, better.

For not being better, stronger, healthier.

And I think a lot of that comes down to my own self perception, and letting go of constantly wanting to be perfect and meet these unrealistic expectations. To try and stop thinking about how people might be judging me for eating chocolate or having an extra slice of pie, when they don't know who I am, what I am trying to do, how hard I have been working.

I feel like when I read blogs about weight loss and they meet success after success and have lost amazing amounts of weight that I have even more pressure to meet those standards.

But then I take a step back, and think, is that really realistic? Is that sustainable? Are they going to be able to maintain that progress in the long term, or are they going to burn up? Or are they simply in a better place, more supported, more motivated than me?

Who am I to say. All I know is that at the moment my own worst enemy is myself. I am the one that puts the pressure on, that says yes or no to that extra slice, that puts in the effort at the training sessions. Or not.

I feel like I need to start taking more responsibility for my actions, and to stop punishing myself for not achieving everything the first time.

Beating myself up.

So this week has been full of guilt. I've been sick and because I've been sick I didn't go to training.
This alone makes me feel guilty even though I know I made the right choice to not go.
But this last week I totally let myself go and this is why I am feeling like crap and guilt tripping myself. Being sick is no excuse to eat whatever I want, and made worse by the fact I didn't go to training so I didn't even work any of it off!

It also dawned on me that I have slowly becoming complacent, I'm doing my training and I have been acting like this is enough, I do my part to be healthy so the rest of it I can let go. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Here I go on about how good I have been and I want to eat clean and then I am eating chocolate or lollies. Yes I am eating better than I was a year ago, but it is still not good enough. If I want to lose all the weight and make significant changes in my life I need to commit and stop being a hypocrite.

I think the problem is that on weekends I give myself leave to do what I want because I don't really have a routine and weekdays I am so worried about portion control that I am not eating enough and then I end up eating junk to make up for it. Which basically means that I need to rethink my diet and work out a better way of eating.

I have been looking into the idea of Clean Eating. It's basically taking out anything processed out of your diet. To me this seems extreme, however there are certainly some good ideas and points in the program which I would like to incorporate into my diet. Mostly eating more fruit and vegetables and cutting back my processed foods.

I have already started to do this, just be taking over the cooking and looking for recipes to replace the packaged foods/sauces I use now. The problem is time. I get up at 6.20 in the morning, I am out the door at 6.40. I grab my coffee at 7.20 and am at work at 7.30. I work until 4ish and get home at about 5.

Making dinner doesn't faze me, but because I have zero time during the day I need to plan ahead to make sure that I take good foods with me and am not tempted to go spoil myself with treats from the shops just across the road.

The good news is that I am getting better, and while chocolates and lollies are still an issue, I can't remember the last time I had fast food ( Maccas etc) or soft drink.

I already eat a good breakfast, porridge or boiled eggs on toast plus a coffee, and I am quite happy with eating these for breakfast.

It's snacking that's the issue. I'm one of those that like to eat every couple of hours, so breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner.

I think that I need to start bringing in more fruit and veggies cut up, with maybe some dip or something so that this what I snack on instead. I already bring in a piece of fruit and yogurt, however I get bored of these or eat them in the morning and still need something for the afternoon.

So. Goals for the weeks ahead:

Eat better snacks>> prepare snacks the night before so that I can just grab and go in the morning.
Start doing more incidental exercise>> stop relying on just my training and go for walks when I can.
Start getting myself into a routine on the weekend>> healthy breakfast followed by exercise.

The dreaded JEANS battle.

So after the last 5 weeks of Personal TrainingI have been feeling amazing- sore- but amazing. As if I am finally found that thing that could get me to my goal weight. Which is great! Because of that I have been more positive and feeling great and feeling like my clothes have been fitting better and all those nice things that comes from more confidence and a slightly better body shape.

Then came Sunday. So Sunday I went shopping with Mum when she suggests I buy some JEANS. Yes, JEANS. Yes it is winter here, and bloody freezing atm, but I have not bought JEANS since 5 years ago when I was at my lowest weight of 80kgs. I have since refused to buy JEANS because of the dreaded task of finding out what size I REALLY am. I mean leggings and stockings and all that don't really have sizes, but JEANS, now they have a number which tell you whether you're skinny or your not.

So in my new found confidence bliss, I said YES. (IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT). Now I am a pear. Which means my bottom half is always going to be bigger. At my skinniest I could fit into size 12 tops, and size 16 jeans. Now I'm probably and 14/16 on top (depending on the top of course) and now that I have tried on JEANS again I know I am about a size 18 on bottom.

Now being size 18 isn't actually a problem for me, I have been much bigger ( size 20- 22) and I know that means I am only two sizes away from my goal JEAN size, size 14. Still. All that wonderful confidence bliss went out the window when I realised I was a size 18, and not even a good size 18, where they look amazing and you can imagine losing a couple of kilos and you'll be a 16. I mean button straining across the stomach size 18. Sigh.

Then came personal training on Monday. And all this was bubbling around in my head, how after all this hard work and I still can't look good in JEANS. Because while I am doing it all for fitness and health and those nice reasons. My one vain dream of losing weight is that I want to look good in a pair JEANS.

So a little background on me and my relationship with the dreaded denim pants aka JEANS.
Being a bigger girl always, and being a pear shaped bigger girl, and being a tall pear shaped bigger girl, meant that finding a pair of Jeans that actually fit, comfortably and looked good and came down to the back of my heel instead of some sort of ankle cut offs was IMPOSSIBLE. I never ever looked good in Jeans and was comfortable at the same time. Always the dreaded camel toe, or too tight, or too short would come into it. And then of course I was always so uncomfortable with my size to go into other shops other than department stores, so there goes any cool designer Jeans like my friends. So some time in my late teens entering adulthood I just stopped wearing Jeans- and wallah the whole issue with sizes and putting myself through that self hate that comes with trying on several pairs of Jeans and only the biggest most stretchiest ones fit.. ENDED. It was great.

Which means of course that I am filled with the longing of having something that I can't have.. a nice pair of fitted JEANS that look good on me.

ANYWAYS... back to training on Monday. SO basically I went as hard as I could go. And almost ended up on the floor crying. It was just so hard, and the harder it was the more I realised how unfit I was and how far I had to go. I mean I don't expect to get results within a month but I realised that even if I have come a long way, I still have an even longer way to go to get to the fitness level I want to be at.

SO now to decide whether to forget that the JEANS incident ever happened and go back to happy confidence bliss or to try and use it to motivate me to train harder while inside I'm still sad and disappointed that I haven't achieved my goals. Sigh.

What would you do?