There are many ways of hurting yourself, and mine was chocolate.
Now this might not sound like I'm doing myself any harm, and was actually rewarding myself, but I wasn't.
You see I get sick from eating rich foods, so cream, chocolate cake, chocolate, anything really rich, and generally sweet and not long after eating some, I would be gagging and trying to bring it up (and not by choice.)
When I was particularly down and unhappy with myself, hating myself for my eating choices, the way I looked, what I was doing to myself and generally having a pity party, I would have to have chocolate.
Except instead of stopping at a couple of pieces I would the entire block until I was physically sick.
And my reasoning for my behaviour? I deserved it. I deserved to be sick for the way I treated myself, for eating the way I did. For being fat, for giving in to temptation, for not being better, stronger, healthier etc etc
Thinking about it now, I realise of course that it was not reasonable, it was not sensible, and it certainly didn't help me and my weight. But of course, like many things, you only see that when you look back.
I still struggle with that today. I still struggle not to punish myself unnecessarily for giving in to temptation, for falling of the band wagon, for having something I shouldn't, or for not reaching my goals in time, for not pushing myself harder, faster, better.
For not being better, stronger, healthier.
And I think a lot of that comes down to my own self perception, and letting go of constantly wanting to be perfect and meet these unrealistic expectations. To try and stop thinking about how people might be judging me for eating chocolate or having an extra slice of pie, when they don't know who I am, what I am trying to do, how hard I have been working.
I feel like when I read blogs about weight loss and they meet success after success and have lost amazing amounts of weight that I have even more pressure to meet those standards.
But then I take a step back, and think, is that really realistic? Is that sustainable? Are they going to be able to maintain that progress in the long term, or are they going to burn up? Or are they simply in a better place, more supported, more motivated than me?
Who am I to say. All I know is that at the moment my own worst enemy is myself. I am the one that puts the pressure on, that says yes or no to that extra slice, that puts in the effort at the training sessions. Or not.
I feel like I need to start taking more responsibility for my actions, and to stop punishing myself for not achieving everything the first time.