So after the last 5 weeks of Personal TrainingI have been feeling amazing- sore- but amazing. As if I am finally found that thing that could get me to my goal weight. Which is great! Because of that I have been more positive and feeling great and feeling like my clothes have been fitting better and all those nice things that comes from more confidence and a slightly better body shape.
Then came Sunday. So Sunday I went shopping with Mum when she suggests I buy some JEANS. Yes, JEANS. Yes it is winter here, and bloody freezing atm, but I have not bought JEANS since 5 years ago when I was at my lowest weight of 80kgs. I have since refused to buy JEANS because of the dreaded task of finding out what size I REALLY am. I mean leggings and stockings and all that don't really have sizes, but JEANS, now they have a number which tell you whether you're skinny or your not.
So in my new found confidence bliss, I said YES. (IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT). Now I am a pear. Which means my bottom half is always going to be bigger. At my skinniest I could fit into size 12 tops, and size 16 jeans. Now I'm probably and 14/16 on top (depending on the top of course) and now that I have tried on JEANS again I know I am about a size 18 on bottom.
Now being size 18 isn't actually a problem for me, I have been much bigger ( size 20- 22) and I know that means I am only two sizes away from my goal JEAN size, size 14. Still. All that wonderful confidence bliss went out the window when I realised I was a size 18, and not even a good size 18, where they look amazing and you can imagine losing a couple of kilos and you'll be a 16. I mean button straining across the stomach size 18. Sigh.
Then came personal training on Monday. And all this was bubbling around in my head, how after all this hard work and I still can't look good in JEANS. Because while I am doing it all for fitness and health and those nice reasons. My one vain dream of losing weight is that I want to look good in a pair JEANS.
So a little background on me and my relationship with the dreaded denim pants aka JEANS.
Being a bigger girl always, and being a pear shaped bigger girl, and being a tall pear shaped bigger girl, meant that finding a pair of Jeans that actually fit, comfortably and looked good and came down to the back of my heel instead of some sort of ankle cut offs was IMPOSSIBLE. I never ever looked good in Jeans and was comfortable at the same time. Always the dreaded camel toe, or too tight, or too short would come into it. And then of course I was always so uncomfortable with my size to go into other shops other than department stores, so there goes any cool designer Jeans like my friends. So some time in my late teens entering adulthood I just stopped wearing Jeans- and wallah the whole issue with sizes and putting myself through that self hate that comes with trying on several pairs of Jeans and only the biggest most stretchiest ones fit.. ENDED. It was great.
Which means of course that I am filled with the longing of having something that I can't have.. a nice pair of fitted JEANS that look good on me.
ANYWAYS... back to training on Monday. SO basically I went as hard as I could go. And almost ended up on the floor crying. It was just so hard, and the harder it was the more I realised how unfit I was and how far I had to go. I mean I don't expect to get results within a month but I realised that even if I have come a long way, I still have an even longer way to go to get to the fitness level I want to be at.
SO now to decide whether to forget that the JEANS incident ever happened and go back to happy confidence bliss or to try and use it to motivate me to train harder while inside I'm still sad and disappointed that I haven't achieved my goals. Sigh.
What would you do?