This weekend has been absolutely amazing. Not because I did anything exciting, not because I achieved any of my goals. But because I got to relax, enjoy myself and de stress. Which lately had been starting to build up and overwhelm me.
Friday night was great. I had training, and did a circuit again. I didn't do great, but my trainer said that it was fantastic to see the progress and how far I had come. Which meant I had made progress. Even if I hadn't noticed, or I still wasn't completing an exercise without breathing hard. I was doing better, I was fitter than I was before. This has taken a while to sink in. It's a strange feeling knowing that I am better fitness wise than I was before. I am actually making progress and changing.
Now. You would think that after that I would be like OK lets do a 10km walk, eat clean and never touch sugar again. But I didn't. Instead I just stopped thinking about what I was going to eat, what I couldn't eat and how I was going to incorporate my fruit and veg for the day. No, that can start on Monday. This weekend was purely for me, to relax and enjoy.
So what did I do? I got my hair done, enjoyed a coffee and croissant with my Mum. I bought a flavoured milk and chocolate. I came home and drew. I haven't drawn in ages and it was peaceful and relaxing. I read my book, cosied up on the couch. I cleaned my room, chucked out old mementos from the past. I made home made pizza, I feed the chooks, I collected lemons from the trees. I boiled eggs for breakfast when I started work.
I ate BBQ chips. I ate bacon, eggs and hash browns. I made white chocolate and macadamia cookies. I read my book by the fire. I made roast vegetables, sausages, onions, mushrooms and tomatoes. I ate my cookies.
I enjoyed myself. I relaxed. I de stressed. I do not feel guilty in the slightest. Why? Because I know that it has been ages since I have let myself go like that. I know that starting today I will get back into routine again.
Because I didn't make myself eat all the cookies until I felt sick because this was my last chance to eat them.
Because my chocolate and flavoured milk is still in the fridge.
Because I chose tonic water and lemon over them.
Because I didn't go overboard. Because I trusted myself.
For the first time ever. I trusted myself to eat all those delicious foods and not eat myself sick, or drink, or have a sugar rush. I trusted myself. And that is a bigger deal than making progress fitness wise. Because always, always I would stick to something, see results, and then it would become too hard to maintain, and I would crash and burn.
But this time, this time I might actually make it. Because I am not on a diet. I am not stopping myself from eating nothing good. I am simply trying to be better, eat better. I am not punishing myself for slipping. I am not punishing myself for wanting to eat more of something. I simply accept that I am not quite there yet, and one day I will be.