Been a while

So it's been a while since my last post. A lot has been going on, with work and personal life and all those things that creep up on you.

In my last post I went on about how I needed to adjust my diet and really get of the carb wagon.

Since then I went quite seriously off carbs for a few weeks and then life got in the way and I went away and it became hard to control my food intake. BUT I have not gone back to what I was before and am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things.

The reason being is that I noticed such a big difference in how I felt during those weeks, and also in how my stomach and intestine felt, and really noticed a difference in my energy levels as well.

I am still not eating too much gluten, trying to avoid it but for the occasional toast or sandwich, same with my dairy, and I am still reaping the benefits inside. Just not as much as before.

Other than that everything has been on track. I have had some incredibly stressful moments over the last few months but they have come to pass now, so it's time to take a moment for myself and really get back to being the healthiest and most rested I can be.

Key to getting through these moments have been in taking time out to paint, or draw, or to simply duck down to the beach or away for a picnic. Actually embracing the moment and getting outside is really beneficial to my moods and stress levels. I feel like I've actually achieved something and gotten away from things, even if only for a short while.

Another big moment happened a few weeks ago, a friend of mine and myself decided to join in the Perth skinny dip to try and crack the Guinness book of records and to also raise awareness and funds for those with eating disorders and mental illness. It was a fantastic event and I am so proud that we did something like that. It was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be, but still such a huge achievement to be able to show my my bare body to so many people.

Such a big part of how happy we are is on the inside, inside our heads, not just the way we look on the outside of the number on the scale and it's important to acknowledge that and work on our own self worth and appreciation long before we make our goal weight.

2014, My Year, My Way.

So I have been training for quite a while now, almost 2 years now. Yet I probably only shifted 15kgs and am still struggling with running the stairs on Thursday afternoons.

In comparisons one of the girls who started 6 months before me has lost 35kgs and is running loops around the rest of us.

The difference? Diet.

I have been touching on this again and again, my diet is my weakness. And it is costing me.

I keep thinking that if I trained hard enough I am doing enough to change my body. I keep thinking that I am tired and stressed and don't have the will power to stick with a strict diet.

I keep thinking that I can get away with still eating a block of chocolate or a bag of chips (every now and then).

Sure, my diet has been improving, I have cut out most junk food and bad foods. But I cave as soon as the going gets tough and still have a lot of things that probably aren't good for me.

Last night I was comparing myself and this other girl and realised that the only real difference is me. My inability, my weakness to let go of my old life and foods and to really change my lifestyle and nutrition.

It means putting more time and effort into my food choices. It will mean more grocery shopping and prepping and planning to stay on track. But in the end I wil be better for it and perhaps I can finally move on from the 99kg mark and get down to 80kgs (my goal).

The biggest thing I am concentrating on is not eating so much carbs. I am not cutting out carbs completely, but I think by reducing my bread (especially) in take, I will force myself to look to more nutritional sources of food to fill me up; such as beans, vegies or fruit.

I am going to create a reward sheet and track how many days I can stick to it, I just need to think of something really good to reward myself with so I can stick with it!

I will also start training more. So many of the girls try to fit in more workouts when they can, I need and can do that too. I just need to suck it up and realise that I am in this for the long haul and if I really wanted to be a size 12/14, then I would make the changes I needed to make.

If I really want to be healthy, if I really wanted to change, I will do this for myself.

Wish me luck!

The benefits of losing weight- shopping!

I had forgotten how good it feels to be able to fit into smaller clothes. To see something nice in a shop and think, oh that looks like it will fit- and it does.

I had forgotten how much I avoid certain shops, because their clothes were on the smaller side.

I had forgotten how much I relied on stretchy fabric and flowing designs to hide my figure.

Yesterday reminded me how much I had changed.

Yesterday I was looking in Myer and killing some time when I happened to be walking through Cue and noticed some stunning dresses. Dresses that I would not have looked at before this journey. Dresses that I still thought I probably wouldn't fit into- even if it said a size 16!

Anyways, I decided to try it on. What the hell. If it didn't fit then at least that was motivation to continue on my journey.

They didn't have a 16, only a 14. And this was not a stretchy fabric or loose dress. This was fitted around the boobs and waist before flairing out around the hips- perfect for my pear shaped figure.

I pulled the zip up and it stopped and I turned to check the back, wondering how far I had gotten, imagining that it had snagged just above my waist (where I flair back out again). And realised that the zip was at the top of the dress!

You cannot imagine how excited I was.

IT FIT!

I was in a size 14, fitted, amazing, gorgeous dress from a brand that I had always loved but thought I would never wear.

AMAZING.

I was on a shopping high.

As someone that has been slowly losing weight, you often don't notice the transformation as much as others around you.

This was one of those moments when you just need to do a happy dance and be grateful for all the hardwork that you've done. Wearing that dress is definitely worth it!

My relationship with food

For the longest time food has been a comfort, a friend, a delight. Something to turn to in despair, in happiness, in boredom, in loneliness and in creativeness.

It is because of this of course that I became overweight in the first place. Clearly this sort of relationship is not healthy. You should be able to to turn to friends and activities to help you with these emotions. Should being the key word in that sentence.

Slowly I have been working on changing how I view food. Trying to see it as nourishment- no more, no less.

Of course this has been easy on my good days, when I am happy and light and everything is right in the world. When I am stressed and tired, not so much.

Lately, however ,I have been sick quite a bit. While sick, every mouthful I have eaten has made me regret it later. It has caused me to feel rotten and gross and like my stomach has turned against me.

Because of this I have almost started to view food negatively. To view food as something necessary and not the comfort I have been used to.

I can't say for sure whether this is something permanent. It is only early days yet and my sickness is still fresh in my mind, who knows how I will feel in a month or two when this becomes a distant memory?

I am hoping it is something that sticks. I don't like the way I think of food. I do not like the way I turn to it when something goes wrong. It is this behaviour that could so easily derail me and make gain everything back if something was bad enough.

Let's hope it sticks.

Retreat

It's hard for me to face the world. All I want to do is block it all out and focus on my thoughts. To try and figure myself out before I deal with people and their comments and looks and judgement.

It doesn't matter whether the comments are said out loud. It's all in a look, a gesture, a raised eyebrow or a turning away. That disappointment. They are disappointed in me.

Recently I took the plunge and joined online dating. After about 2 months, I've deleted my profile. I just can't handle it. The talking, the getting to know someone, developing that connection and finally meeting them. Then disappointment.

They are nice, they are sweet, they still talk to me and we become friends. But I am not what they are looking for, I am not what they are expecting. I am a disappointment, a failure.

It doesn't matter whether that's realistic or not. Whether I am imagining things, or whether I am being over the top. It's the first thing that comes into my head and it's the feeling that has accompanied almost all my dates.

No more. I am sick of this feeling. Sick of failing or the looks. Of being heartsore and lonely.

Enough is enough.

Enough moping. So you haven't met someone? So what. That just means more time with your friends, more time with family, more time working on your dream body and exercising and embracing life.

So what if people look at you for being the 'single' friend. The loner. Screw them. Life is meant to be lived, not spent waiting around for someone to make you feel 'special'.

So right now, it may look like I am retreating from the world, from dating and men. Again. But this time I am retreating in order to regroup, refocus and channel my energy. On me. The one who actually needs it.

New Year, New Goals.

So it's a new year and customary to make new goals. You would think that as this is mostly about weight loss, that it would be all weight loss goals? Not quite.

One of the biggest things I learnt in 2013 was that how I am living the rest of my life has a direct impact on my weight. Or more accurately, what I eat and how much I exercise.

One of my main goals last year was that no matter what, I was to keep exercising. This meant that no matter how stressed, how sore or in pain, how tired or fat or emotional, I just had to keep going.

Mostly that meant sticking to routine and forcing myself to say 'yes' whenever my trainer confirmed an appointment. It also meant that when I was sick or sore (I had some back problems late last year) to talk to my trainer about alternative exercises we could do, or simply doing as much as I could outside of training.

I am glad to say that this was something that I kept up and most weeks I trained at least 2-4 times a week. That may seem low to other people losing weight, but I am working on creating a long term lifestyle change and 2-4 times a week is something I can commit to long term. Heck, I've just done it for a whole year!

I think being able to stick to this one goal has meant that I could focus more effectively. Sure I could have half a dozen goals that I am working on, but when things got tough, that was the one thing I couldn't break. And I have noticed the difference. In the last month alone when everyone has been complaining about not fitting into their summer bikini or favourite dress, I was buying new clothes and squeezing into a pair of jeans that are no longer too small for me. Hallelujah!

Another of my goals for 2013, was to get back into my arts and crafts more. Which I have been doing, I have been painting something almost every month.

I am so glad that I made this a goal and committed to it. I had forgotten how much I missed it and it has made a huge difference in how I feel. Painting for me has always been an emotional vent, often this results in very abstract and bold paintings, sometimes though I am in a more serene state and will do some watercolour landscapes. For me painting has helped me to handle stress, to be more patient and find my inner peace, and to vent my feelings onto something other than food. NEVER underestimate how important this is.

So, two goals for 2013 that made a huge impact onto my life. What will I concentrate on in 2014?

My diet is a major goal for me this year. I will not be going on a diet but I really want to concentrate on eating right and making sure I am not sabotaging myself. Which is what I am doing, particularly when stressed.

Apart from that, I really want to tick a few things off my bucket list. Things like skydiving which I can only do if under 99kgs. Things that I would like to do while young.

Another area I want to work on is using my time and money more effectively. I feel like I have done pretty well cruising along. But once I have a house this will change. I feel like if I can get into some good habits now, it will help tremendously down the track.

I hope everyone else had a great break for Christmas and the New Year and I look forward to reading everyone elses goals and aims for the year ahead.

What's in my head

I am a big thinker. I think, I analyse, I think again. Sometimes I will get so sick of thinking that I will just make a snap decision and do something. It's annoying, it's frustrating, it's who I am.

At the moment I have a few things going on in my brain that I just need to get out somewhere.

Dating
Ok, not the topic you were thinking of right? I have started dating again after starting to feel happier about myself and where I am with my body. I have been on a few dates and met some nice guys.. but no spark. No sizzle. No.. anything.

In the past, part of the reason I didn't date much was that I always assumed that the reason I hadn't met anyone was because of me. It was me that needed to be fixed or wasn't quite right or at my best. It was because I was too fat, too shy, liked my books over walks etc etc.

Now I am right back at that same spot again and all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and refocus on getting me 'right'. Fixing all my problems in time to me the right one.

How insane does that sound? And yet I am struggling to not give in again.

Diet
I am struggling more and more with dairy. Everything I eat seems to make me sick, which in turn makes me unhappy and feeling gross which makes me either want to just lay down and not move or find some sort of food that doesn't make me sick.

Plus I have been super stressed and tired lately (Headache's again argh) and this means that I haven't been making lunches and snacks like I normally would. I have been spending a bit more money so that I buy healthier options, but sometimes I just slip.

This doesn't make me happy. I WANT to do better. I WANT to be healthier. I WANT to lose that last bit of weight and get down to a happy size 14. And yet I can't seem to summon up the energy or enthusiasm to be able to follow through.

So I am going to go see a naturopath and see whether they can help me with my dietary problems and hopefully put me on the right path.

Family
I am so sick of my family at the moment. Mostly my Sister and her Partner. They are on a massive health fix at the moment and it is driving me insane.

They will spend up to $250 on food for one person in a week. How insane is that!!!

That's because her Partner is on some high protein diet and he eats good quality steak like 4 times a day. I don't know how he isn't sick of it yet.

It seems to be working for them and I am happy for them. But oh my god I just wish they would be more considerate. They constantly judge us on what food we eat, because it might have some cheese or pasta in it. They cook for themselves and not the rest of us. But when we cook there's a 50/50 chance of them eating. You just never know. It's just not fair.

And it is so frustrating hearing them tell me what I should be doing. Just because they have had some success on a radical fad diet does not mean they have the right or the knowledge to tell me how to lose weight. I am doing it the right way, with diet and exercise and losing weight consistently over long term.

These are just a few of the swirls of thoughts going round my head. There is more, like travel plans, problems with friends, work, work and more work... it just keeps going and I feel like I barely have a chance to breathe and catch up and get myself in a good place again. I feel like I don't have time to relax and concentrate on me. Just me. No one else.

I hope I can find some time soon to stop and relax. To process and refocus. Soon, please.