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Sunday, 27 May 2012

Breaking free

So this weekend has been a nightmare. Emotions have run high and I have had to face up to a few things. Namely to do with friendships.

So I have been going through a lot lately, home stuff and health stuff. And a lot of that has been affecting how I have been with friends.

Not to say that my friends aren't great. But they have their own problems, and because I know they have their own problems I don't talk to them about my own. Or at least that's what I have been trying to do.

One of my friends lashed out at me over the weekend telling me to grow up and deal with things and to not take it out on her. Which was what I was trying to do, but apparently I hadn't done as good a job of it as I thought.

The problem is that I also think this has been brewing a while, and I'm not sure if it's all to do with me, or a culmination of things and it left me feeling hurt, betrayed and like I couldn't trust my friends anymore.

I mean if I'm not dealing with this as well as I thought and instead of understanding I get anger, then how I am supposed to trust them or talk to them about things. Who am I supposed to talk to about coping or moving on?

So I came to the decision that it was time to take a break from my group of friends. Clearly they need a break from  me, and I can't deal with my stuff at home and with friends lashing out at me at things that I can't control. I am who I am, and unfortunately that means I don't bottle things inside from everyone.

The thing is I know that this has been a long time coming. We have known each other since high school, and we have all changed so much, and gone through so much, that we are all different people from when we started this friendship. And I can't help thinking that, what if we have all changed so much, that our friendship is based on the past, and not the present. In which case this time out might make or break our friendships for good.

It might be good to know whether we can still survive this and come out the other end. It might also mean that I lose friends that are no longer there for me or who I have changed so much that we are no longer best friends, but simply friends.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything.

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