For many years now I have been struggling with confidence. It's something that I know a lot of people struggle with in different ways.
For me it started after I first lost weight. I was young, healthy, fit and had a new found confidence in myself and body. Cue first boyfriend.
I've had two boyfriends. Both of which loved me for who I am, but both brought out the worst in me- unhealthy eating habits, lack of exercise, cuddling up watching movies. So within 2 years I had gained pretty much all my weight back on.
Throughout this time, one of the few things that was remarked upon by friends and families alike was how confident I was, and I realised just how attractive someone who is confident can be.
When I broke up with my last BF and I realised that I had gained all my weight and more back on, my confidence took a dive.
But my pride wouldn't let me admit this. I didn't want to go back to the way I was before. So for the last 3 years I have pretended that I am happy with who I am and that I'm confident and friendly and all of the above, all the while shying away from any male contact.
I mean if I dated then they would actually have to see my body (....eventually.... if things went well). Unclothed. With all my flaws.
Its something that now that I am losing weight and getting fitter and healthier that I have thought about a lot. Will I regain my confidence? Will I be able to let someone in?
So far the answer has been a big fat NO. I have gone out and looked at guys but I can't seem to take the next step.
Lately I have been blaming the stuff going at home (parent's divorcing, moving house, father cheated and left us in debt) I mean who wants to bring someone into that? But as I try to convince mum not to give up hope on all men and that she'll find someone who loves her the way she is, I can't help wondering if I believe the same thing for myself.
But of course I'm to proud to talk about this to friends and family- that would reveal my deep seated fear and lack of confidence, and I can't have that.