Cravings, portion control and in tune with my body.

I touched on this briefly my last post. But I honestly feel like I have finally started feeling in tune with my body. Hard to believe, I know.

What I am talking about is the art of realising when one is full. Of knowing when you are actually hungry and when you are bored. Of sitting down and enjoying meals and not picking constantly throughout the day. Of not eating just for the sake of it being 8am, 12pm, 6pm.

I am constantly surprised by this. Mostly because I am so used to eating all the time. To be constantly looking for the next meal. To have snacks and food surround me for fear of hunger.

Now it is different. Slowly but surely I am learning to actually listen to my body. What makes it feel good, what doesn't. Coffee my warm friend in the morning, is actually becoming a turn off as the heavy weight of the milk hits my stomach and makes me feel gross. Grapes I am loving at the moment. Same with banana and peanut butter on toast (random I know, but great when I get sick of eggs or porridge).

Once upon a time I looked forward to the weekend so that I could enjoy a massive cooked breakfast ( I love eggs). Now I can't even get through the same size plate. Instead I enjoy eggs with avocado on toast. Occasionally bacon for a guilty pleasure.

Cooked chicken from the super market actually makes me feel sick.

I still enjoy 'the good stuff'. I still occasionally over eat, as I adjust my eyes to that of my stomach and learn to say, 'I'm full'. But it is slowly but surely happening.

I am also delighted that my new partner has been very supportive. Happy to encourage me to do better, but appreciating me for who I am now. It's nice to have that encouragement come from a place of love. Too many people 'mean well' but their comments hurt rather than help.

So watch this space. Maybe 2015 will be my year after all!

2015 Update- Being Normal!

Been a while since I posted here. A bit has changed in my life. For starters, I am in relationship for the first time in 5 years. He also has a daughter, so my life has suddenly gotten a lot more complicated. Especially with him working away and living over an hours drive away. Suddenly I have to be a lot more careful with planning so that we can group our time together to save us from travelling so much.

But I am happy and so far most of my days have been filled with joy and sweet memories. It's a nice feeling after being alone for so long.

I am conscious however of the last time I was in a relationship and how easy it was to give up my way of eating and lifestyle and just go with the 'easy' options. Of trying to keep up with the partners eating habits and just putting on weight while they remained skinny (Men. sigh.).

But first an update on the hypnotherapy, it has been going really, really well. No longer do I feel the constant ravenous craving for chocolate or sweets. No longer do I have a constant battle in my head to resist sugar and only to cave as soon as I become to tired to resist.

Instead I am reaching for healthy foods. Or simply no longer as hungry any more. I am finding that I put more food on my plate than I can actually eat. Often half way through something I'll suddenly realise I am no longer hungry/want to eat anymore and just stop.

I have had chocolate, but it does not give me the same satisfaction that it used to. Instead I find myself disappointed and wondering why I was ever addicted.

It is a strange feeling for someone who has for most of their life constantly snacked. Constantly sought out the next meal. Constantly thinking of food. Constantly wanted chocolate. And now I'm not.

So now I am taking it as it comes and trying to not over think it and ruin what my body is doing naturally. Instead I am trying to focus on making sure I have healthy foods around me and on other things that can benefit my health like exercise, sleep and relaxation. I'm finding I know my limits a lot better now so trying to push my limits on exercise while making sure I keep well within my limits of sleep and relaxation.

I can't say that I can see progress in scales yet but I think that as my body realises this is what it is now (for good), it will slowly decrease. Really it doesn't matter as I am happy to simply not be a slave to food and be 'normal'. =)

Settling In: living life my way

So it's been a week since I moved out of home and have been settling into my own home and way of life. All I can say is, I think this is going to work for me.

I don't know what it is, but I honestly feel like I have more time during the week, and less time over the weekend. Possibly because that's when visitors come a-calling.

Eating has been ace. I have had a bit of a wake up call on how much I actually eat. It's actually a lot less than I thought! So I have had so much leftovers this week. The upside is that I have not had to buy lunch and thus am saving money. Sunday I used up some leftover chicken and made a massive curry. Normally this would feed the family (of 4) but for me it was dinner, lunch and leftovers which I spooned into some ramekins and made pies. I wrapped these in alfoil and chucked them in the freezer for lunches during the week.

I also made some banana bread and brownies and froze half of each for another day. The rest were devoured by all my guests on the weekend. Which I am grateful for. Less for me to graze on!

One thing I am prone to, is to snack on unhealthy foods when bored. So once I finish off the unhealthy stuff in the cupboard I am determined not to buy more and just focus on fruit and other healthy snacks.

My diet during the week at work has very much been: Porridge with full cream milk and small sprinkling of cinnamon and brown sugar. Fruit for morning tea- usually a couple of apples or a punnet of strawberries. Left overs for lunch and another snack in the afternoon. I am trying to work it that I just drink tea or coffee instead of snacks in the afternoon and really pack my dinners and lunches with as much veggies as possible. Trying!

My diet is all about trying to find something that works for me and my budget. Fills me up. Is easy. And also is as nutritionally dense as possible. So a lot of home cooking and vegies and fruit. So far it's going well and I am excited to try some new things and work in veggies in a more imaginative way. I really do love being creative and cooking is definitely a passion of mine. The upside of living out of home is that there is less work to be done, and I don't need to cater for everyone's tastes, so I can make stuff that I want and eat. Winning!

Lot's to do this week, heaps of stuff that I need to get sorted with the house and still trying to get into a routine with exercise etc. I thought mornings might have been the way to go, but I think I like the idea of going for a nice walk at the end of the day to clear my head before coming back and getting into the kitchen for dinner. We'll see.

All I can say, is that while I haven't been exercising as much as I used to, I don't feel heavy/bloated like I used to and actually have a bit of energy. I have noticed a slight gain around the hips, but I'm hoping that as I really concentrate on my diet and upping my exercise I can get rid of that and get back to losing weight. Wish me luck!

Moving in a new direction

So I have not been posting so much on here lately. Mostly because I have recently discovered instagram and the amazing community of body positivity on there.


I am a huge believer in body positivity. I believe that no matter what size or shape you are that you should be able to feel good about yourself. Not depressed, not deprived, not angry or disgusted. These negative emotions do not help someone to lose weight or make a difference in their lives, instead they lead to more eating and drinking, drugs or suicidal thoughts. Making someone feel bad about how they live their life does not achieve anything except perhaps to make you feel better about how you live yours.


That does not mean I support being unhealthy, overweight and lack of exercise. But I am more accepting that there are people out there that do eat well and look after themselves that do not fit into the standard shape or weight range. Perhaps they have just started their good health journey, or perhaps that is just what their body looks like, or perhaps that is what they are happy with looking like? Who am I to judge. I am not a doctor, nutritionist or personal trainer.


Anyways, back to my own personal troubles. I have been in a bit of a slump, however I am slowly but surely coming back out of it. It was a combination of a few things, being really unwell, stressed and exhausted had a lot to do with it. Basically I had pushed myself too far with work and it had taken it's toll. At the same time my PT made the decision to go back to full time work in order to get the bank loan she needed for her house. Which means two things a) I have more money now that I am not doing PT and b) that I need to find some sort of physical activity to do.


I've been taking it slow as I really just wanted to get my health back and to prove to myself that I wouldn't fall off the band wagon just because I wasn't doing PT and having someone look over my shoulder. I did binge a little, but I have regrouped and am pulling myself back again. Key to this as always is preparation. The more meals I plan in advance the less thinking I have to do and the less chance I have of making decisions that I later regret. So far so good.


Right now I am focusing on finding healthier alternatives to satisfy my sweet tooth and looking into new physical activities to try- dancing or martial arts perhaps. But it is nice to know that after 3 years I am finally in control of my life and that even when I fall off the band wagon it is not for long. I just pick myself up and dust myself off and start again :)

Been a while

So it's been a while since my last post. A lot has been going on, with work and personal life and all those things that creep up on you.

In my last post I went on about how I needed to adjust my diet and really get of the carb wagon.

Since then I went quite seriously off carbs for a few weeks and then life got in the way and I went away and it became hard to control my food intake. BUT I have not gone back to what I was before and am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things.

The reason being is that I noticed such a big difference in how I felt during those weeks, and also in how my stomach and intestine felt, and really noticed a difference in my energy levels as well.

I am still not eating too much gluten, trying to avoid it but for the occasional toast or sandwich, same with my dairy, and I am still reaping the benefits inside. Just not as much as before.

Other than that everything has been on track. I have had some incredibly stressful moments over the last few months but they have come to pass now, so it's time to take a moment for myself and really get back to being the healthiest and most rested I can be.

Key to getting through these moments have been in taking time out to paint, or draw, or to simply duck down to the beach or away for a picnic. Actually embracing the moment and getting outside is really beneficial to my moods and stress levels. I feel like I've actually achieved something and gotten away from things, even if only for a short while.

Another big moment happened a few weeks ago, a friend of mine and myself decided to join in the Perth skinny dip to try and crack the Guinness book of records and to also raise awareness and funds for those with eating disorders and mental illness. It was a fantastic event and I am so proud that we did something like that. It was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be, but still such a huge achievement to be able to show my my bare body to so many people.

Such a big part of how happy we are is on the inside, inside our heads, not just the way we look on the outside of the number on the scale and it's important to acknowledge that and work on our own self worth and appreciation long before we make our goal weight.

2014, My Year, My Way.

So I have been training for quite a while now, almost 2 years now. Yet I probably only shifted 15kgs and am still struggling with running the stairs on Thursday afternoons.

In comparisons one of the girls who started 6 months before me has lost 35kgs and is running loops around the rest of us.

The difference? Diet.

I have been touching on this again and again, my diet is my weakness. And it is costing me.

I keep thinking that if I trained hard enough I am doing enough to change my body. I keep thinking that I am tired and stressed and don't have the will power to stick with a strict diet.

I keep thinking that I can get away with still eating a block of chocolate or a bag of chips (every now and then).

Sure, my diet has been improving, I have cut out most junk food and bad foods. But I cave as soon as the going gets tough and still have a lot of things that probably aren't good for me.

Last night I was comparing myself and this other girl and realised that the only real difference is me. My inability, my weakness to let go of my old life and foods and to really change my lifestyle and nutrition.

It means putting more time and effort into my food choices. It will mean more grocery shopping and prepping and planning to stay on track. But in the end I wil be better for it and perhaps I can finally move on from the 99kg mark and get down to 80kgs (my goal).

The biggest thing I am concentrating on is not eating so much carbs. I am not cutting out carbs completely, but I think by reducing my bread (especially) in take, I will force myself to look to more nutritional sources of food to fill me up; such as beans, vegies or fruit.

I am going to create a reward sheet and track how many days I can stick to it, I just need to think of something really good to reward myself with so I can stick with it!

I will also start training more. So many of the girls try to fit in more workouts when they can, I need and can do that too. I just need to suck it up and realise that I am in this for the long haul and if I really wanted to be a size 12/14, then I would make the changes I needed to make.

If I really want to be healthy, if I really wanted to change, I will do this for myself.

Wish me luck!

My relationship with food

For the longest time food has been a comfort, a friend, a delight. Something to turn to in despair, in happiness, in boredom, in loneliness and in creativeness.

It is because of this of course that I became overweight in the first place. Clearly this sort of relationship is not healthy. You should be able to to turn to friends and activities to help you with these emotions. Should being the key word in that sentence.

Slowly I have been working on changing how I view food. Trying to see it as nourishment- no more, no less.

Of course this has been easy on my good days, when I am happy and light and everything is right in the world. When I am stressed and tired, not so much.

Lately, however ,I have been sick quite a bit. While sick, every mouthful I have eaten has made me regret it later. It has caused me to feel rotten and gross and like my stomach has turned against me.

Because of this I have almost started to view food negatively. To view food as something necessary and not the comfort I have been used to.

I can't say for sure whether this is something permanent. It is only early days yet and my sickness is still fresh in my mind, who knows how I will feel in a month or two when this becomes a distant memory?

I am hoping it is something that sticks. I don't like the way I think of food. I do not like the way I turn to it when something goes wrong. It is this behaviour that could so easily derail me and make gain everything back if something was bad enough.

Let's hope it sticks.

Something that hurts

Something that always manages to hurt is other people's snide comments about what I eat. They seem to think that because they catch me eating a piece of chocolate or some hot chips that it gives them the right to criticise what I am doing.

They seem to think that just because I am not 100% sugar free, wheat free, dairy free etc etc that I don't eat healthy. That I am not doing 'enough'.

It makes me so angry and then it makes me sad.

Because every time I hear those comments I wonder why I don't push myself more, why I don't make those simply changes. Why I don't go harder, faster, longer...

It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. As if I'm the failure.

Despite going from not exercising at all to exercising 5 times a week.

From constantly snacking in my room after dinner to not snacking after dinner at all.

From barely touching fruit to eating fruit every morning, and feeling weird when I don't.

From skipping breakfast to eating cereal or wholegrain toast with boiled eggs every morning.

From shovelling fast food into me while in my car when I was hungry but too ashamed for anyone to see what I was eating.

From having fast food almost every week to less than once a month.

From drinking soft drink or juice every week to next to nothing.

From cutting back my meat consumption and increasing my fish and vegetables.

From going from someone who was about to go into a size 20 pants to someone who has to now go into a size 16. One size away from my goal.

From someone who was ashamed and disgusted with themselves and what their body looked like to someone who has finally rediscovered their confidence and joy in life. Who is HAPPY and who is HEALTHY and who is constantly improving.

Yes I am not 100% organic, sugar and wheat free. But my god I am a billion times better than what I was .

So SHUT THE F*** UP.

Mixing it up and increasing my sessions: bring on the new me!

So I have swapped my workout routine around. Hopefully it should help me to fit more workouts in overall.

What did I change?
Well normally I work out 4-5 times a week between 5.30-6.30pm, this included 2 x PT sessions, 2x GX boxing sessions and an occasional stairs session.

But often what happens is something will come up at work or I'll be invited out by friends after work which often results in a) cancelling my session or b) missing out on being with friends.

Also recently I have started volunteering with my local shire to help with an October event and they meet at Wednesday's at 6.30 pm.

So to stop myself from the temptation of cancelling my sessions and so that I can enjoy some free time after work to meet friends and get those annoying chores out of the way I have swapped my 2 PT sessions from Mon + Wed @ 5.30pm to Tues and Thurs @ 6am.

For the first time I will be working out in the morning.. this is going to be interesting!

I feel good about it though because I am less likely to cancel in the morning and it doesn't change my routine too much at all. I already get up at 6, so now I just get up a little bit earlier for my workout and get to work later.

I eventually want to get into a routine of working out every morning, even if it is as little as a walk/jog around the block in the mornings. I'll start slow and will eventually build up to working out 8 times a week.. well that's the plan anyways!

Since starting doing stairs I have noticed a real improvement in my overall fitness. Things like jogging, walking, bending, mountain climbers etc are all a lot easier. I think it's do with the type of movement- they all consist of bending my knees and lifting my legs.

For me as a pear, my bottom half is the part that needs the most improvement, not that my top half is amazing but it's a size to two sizes smaller.. anyways because I have always carried so much weight there I have always felt uncomfortable running, jogging and generally moving that area. This of course just meant it got worse not better.

So now finally I am tackling this issue and challenging myself and my body!

Once again diet is being re tweaked. I really fell off the bandwagon last week after jumping on the scales and being hugely disappointed. This is why I don't weigh myself!!! Now that I am over my binge I'm back to being motivated to getting myself down to where I need to be.

While I love that I have changed shape and that people can see the difference, the scales are still not reflecting my commitment. And amongst other things I want the scales to say 70-75 kilos. I don't mind being higher than that if I feel like my body is in a good place, but I still think I should aim for a healthy BMI.

I had a taste of mixed martial arts last night and really enjoyed it. It was very different but really practical, in the sense that you could actually use the moves should you need to defend yourself. Something I find quite reassuring being a young female.

So let's see how the new work out routine goes and hopefully if all goes well I'll be adding in more flexible workouts- walks and jogs etc to the routine and maybe by the end of this year I might actually see some results on the scales as well.. one can only hope!

Embarrasing boxing sessions!

So last night was my GX boxing class at 5.30pm. I put on a pear of exercise pants that I haven't worn in a little while and head out the door.

We start getting into our boxing session, doing a lot of kicks and knee exercises and I can feel my pants starting to fall down. The first time we take a break I take off my gloves and haul my pants back up.

But then we start going a bit harder and faster and before I know it my trainer has to step in and pull my pants up because they're half way down my arse.

Thank god a) it's an all female class and b) I was wearing good undies!! It could have been soooo much worse.

All I can say is that at least my work outs and eating have payed off!

I still need to work on my eating habits, as I've slipped up a few times, but I have cut back a lot of my processed foods lately and upped my fruit and veg intake instead. Still struggling with portion sizes with some days acing it and others not so much. But the days where I am doing better is getting more and more. It's hard in winter when all you want is comfort food and to snuggle in bed.

At the moment I'm concentrating on reducing my sweets/chocolate intake as for a while there I was  having a chocolate (fun size) almost every day. That's not something I want to maintain!

I want to keep it to maybe once or twice a week, mostly on weekends when I might enjoy sharing a dessert over dinner or a muffin with a friend over coffee.

At the moment I'm about 3 times a week. So a lot better to what I was but still not where I want to be!

Here is a recent photo of me with my friends from a weekend away :)

Feeling the buzz!

I had a great weekend. I really did! Friday night I went to dinner with two of my besties at a new Japanese restaurant then headed to watch Fast and the Furious 6 at the movies. Unfortunately it was sold out so we watched Hangover 3 instead. Not as good but not bad.

Saturday I did part of my assignment for Interior Design, cleaned up the house and then headed out early for a friends birthday. We spent 6 hours at the pub catching up with old friends and having a great time before heading into the city to a club that's not really my scene. Me and a friend left shortly after as we weren't comfortable there and she was starting to feel a bit sick- probably because of all the strobe lights!

Sunday I did more of my assignment. It had been wet and windy all weekend and finally at about 4 me and my sister decided to brave the weather and take the dogs for a walk. I'm really glad we did, the dogs loved it and it was great to get outside and work off some energy. Unfortunately we got caught in the rain heading home, but nothing a nice hot shower couldn't fix!

I love it when my life is like this. Busy but with enough time to do things like cleaning and cooking. Spending time with friends and getting outside for a bit. It keeps me moving and active.

It made me realise how far my life has changed.

I used to spend weekends like this in bed reading or watching movies eating junk food.

I would never msg someone to organise something. I would wait for them to msg me.

I would never head out in the rain for a walk.

I never used to have this buzz of energy that needed to be worked off. That I felt like I should be doing something, rather than just sitting around.

I would have eaten far more than what I did. Actually I almost forgot to eat for most of the weekend. Except breakfast- I can't miss breakfast!

And the biggest change of all? I looked in the mirror and I could see the way my body had changed. No longer massive rolls showing through my dresses or jeans. No longer big hips and thighs making me a massive pear.

In the last few weeks I have lost even more weight and my work clothes are starting to be a problem - I will need to down size soon. :)

Soon I will need to post pictures! Happy Monday all!

What do you want out of life?

What is that motivates you each day? That gets you out of bed in the morning? That makes you put that ice coffee down and pick up the weights instead?

Why do you go to work today, tomorrow or the next? Why do you see your friends, have a BBQ or go away for the weekend?

What do you want out of your life?

These are some of the questions that have been bubbling around my head more and more often. I am now at the age where my friends are either off travelling or settling down with their partners (some of them are further along in that department than others).

I have travelled, or at least enough that I don't have that "urge" to get "out" that my travelling friends seem to feel.

I don't want to "settle down" either.

So that doesn't leave a lot of options. Ha. What a joke!

I'm a big planner. I like planning and having direction in my life. Most people who come to know me realise this. So they often ask me what plan I am sticking to with my weight loss.

While I agree everyone should have a plan, that they should have strategies and things that they stick to, people also need to work out what works for them. Which is different for everyone, and there is not right or wrong answer.

For me, right now, I am not "planning" so much as "doing" my weight loss. I spent so much time thinking I wanted to lose weight while eating myself into gaining 5kgs. I was thinking so much about going to the gym, about walking each day, about cutting the calories that I never actually did it.

So I stopped thinking about it and started doing it. Obviously there are things I still need to plan and use, there are tricks that I have picked up and use and I plan to stay away from fast food and plan to exercise this week.

But I am not following a plan. Nor do I believe I will succeed if I do. Not for the long term anyways.

This is my life. This is not some short term stint that is supposed to whip me magically into shape and somehow I will be able to follow a no- carb, low sugar, 8 hours of exercise a week diet.

No, this is long term. This is permanent. This is about re-learning how I think about food, exercise and life.

Which brings me back to the question: What do you want out of life? What do I want out of life?

I want to be healthy. I want to be normal. To not be the person who always eats salad when everyone eats a curry. I want to enjoy eating and going out with friends without being self conscious.
I want to enjoy life to the fullest. I want to breathe easier, lift easier, walk easier.

I want sunshine, grass, walks by the river, sweat and tears, muscles, toned arms and stomach. I want to create yummy recipes which are also healthy.

I DON'T want to always be looking over my shoulder. To always count my food or to feel guilty, or unhappy or cheated. I DON'T want to be fat and lonely and left out. I DON'T want to feel like life is passing me by.

So now comes the part where I do what I need to do to make that things I WANT happen.

And that is not counting calories, it is not denying myself. It is going to training at least three times a week and fitting in other sessions when I can. It is making sure I eat my fruit and veg daily. Drinking my water, getting out in the sun, putting myself out there and joining in. It is about me changing my mind and to stop thinking of junk food and large portions as something I need and am entitled to.

To think of quality not quantity. To think that a good coffee and catch up with friends is better (and it is) than sitting at home eating chocolate while watching a DVD. It's about changing my lifestyle not just what I put into my mouth.

And that is what I am doing. I now exercise regularly. I eat good food. I snack less. I eat smaller portions. I think twice about eating junk food, but don't cut myself up if I do.

And my pants and getting bigger and bigger, I am getting stronger and fitter.

This is working for me. It may not work for you. And that's ok.

I'm not planning I am doing.

Emotional Well-Being and Catching up with Friends

I was talking to a dear friend of mine on the weekend. We caught up on Saturday for movies and pizza, I ended up staying the night as I couldn't be bothered driving home at 12pm when I was tired. And then we went to a cafe near the ocean and had breakfast and after heading back to her place we chatted and before I knew it was 4pm!

(Then I had dash off and get home to get myself organised for the week ahead.)

So what has us talking for so long? Well besides family, life, friends, boys and all the usual things that come along, there was also weight loss and emotional well being.

Something that I have been accepting more and more is that I am happy. I am proud of myself, I am happy with the decisions I have been making, I am happy with my exercise and I am happy at where I am in life.

Partly this is to do with my weight loss so far, which while I do not weigh myself, it has become more and more obvious I am losing weight through my clothes and shape.

My happiness with myself is being reflected in my confidence and appearance and also my decisions and how I am with friends with family. Everything else just seems to be so much better. Decisions that might have made me depressed or upset or got me down a year a go are just so much easier to handle, they are just a bump in the road.

It is amazing how everything is interlinked. You look good, you feel good, so you are happy and this affects how you deal with things.

It also goes the other way.

Sadly, my friend is in a similar position to where I was when I first started this journey. She is unhappy, she is depressed, she feels guilty and hates herself for the decisions she makes that mean that she is gaining weight not losing weight, which just makes her more unhappy and everything else in life is just that bit harder and more stressful.

It's exactly how I felt when I first started. It took me a long time of thinking about how hard and long and how I don't have enough time to do anything else etc before I realised I needed to stop thinking and start doing.  That meant I started going to the gym, and when the gym didn't work and I realised I needed something more, I started PT. Best decision I ever made.

So we talked about my journey, how hard it has been and how far I have come and how much it has been worth it. But most of all I made sure she didn't feel judged for how she is and how she is coping. I made her think about little things she could be doing and told her I still make mistakes today. That one day she will just have enough and start making the right steps.

I made sure she knew she could talk to me, that I would understand and not make her feel like a "lazy fat person who obviously doesn't try hard enough" because that's what we all have in the back of heads anyways, that that's what all those "skinny" people think of us. (Whether that is true or not is irrelevant, it's what we think.)

The reality is weight loss is not just about controlled intake and exercise = weight loss. It's about all the emotions and pain that got us there in the first place. And if you don't fix that then you will never maintain your loss once you get there, because you never really understood how you got to be so big in the first place and will make all those mistakes all over again.

I hope that if you have a friend out there that needs help and guidance that you will make them feel loved and understood and not mock them for their weight battles, because we are often our own worst judge and enemy and need support from our loved ones more than anything to help us take the first steps.

The cost of healthy living

Talking with a friend over coffee and breakfast on Saturday morning and as always we end up on the topic of healthy living.

It is something that is very important to both of us, as we both are on a journey to better ourselves.

For my friend, health at the moment is of particular importance as she wants to start a family. Unfortunately she was told that she has poly cystic ovary syndrome (I hope I spelt that right) and needs to lose weight in order to make this manageable and in order to conceive.

This was a huge blow to her, as she has always wanted children and now just when she is in the right spot (partner, home, age etc) her weight is holding her back.

About the same time as she received this news I started personal training and focusing on my weight loss, so when we catch up it is almost a check in and time to go over our mistakes and seek support from one another.

She is probably one of the few friends that I will openly discuss my weight/health journey.

One of the points that we were talking about is that she had just done some sessions with my personal trainer, but because she cannot afford them she won't be going back.

I understand that not everyone has the money to spend on a trainer, I understand that not everyone needs a trainer. But for people like me that do, and I think that my friend does too, it is one of the best things you can do, and well worth the cost.

People often baulk when I tell them how much I spend on training, despite the fact that my trainer is actually quite cheap when compared to many of the others out there. Often when I tell them the cost, the answer I often hear is, "I don't know how you afford it". Which infers that they can't afford it.

Most people (at least the ones I talk to) believe that they can't afford to have a trainer and to eat healthy. The reality is of course, that they can. They are on a similar wage to me, they have similar bills to me, so how is it that I can afford it and they can't. The truth is they can.

When I go into all the benefits, most people will nod their head and agree and then walk away. All they think about is the immediate cost.

So what if it costs a little now? If it stops you from having to buy expensive clothes because you have limited options, if it means that you can play with your children, go out with your friends, enjoy your holidays more, enjoy sitting, walking, climbing stairs easier, take less medication, go to the doctors less, you don't need radical weight loss surgery, or die ridiculously young from a heart attack.

So what if it costs a little now?

My training session costs $30 for an hour, I do that twice a week. That is $60 a week.
I do boxing once a week as well, that is only $10 a session.

That's $70 a week on my health. That doesn't sound like much. That would be less than the amount most of my friends would spend on clothes, alcohol, a night out, dinner, getting their hair done, their nails done, a pair of shoes, their tans, waxing etc

All of which they do without thinking about the cost.

Now I am not saying I do not do some of the above, but the difference is that I put those second to my health. There are ways to to do all of those things cheaper, especially if you cut out alcohol. But even if you do not, you could do some things at home yourself rather than going to a salon.

You could host a party at your house, rather than paying the expensive entry fee and drinks when you go out. You could simply reduce the number of times you go out. You could sell off the clothes/shoes that you no longer wear on ebay or gumtree. You could host a clothes swap with your friends if you are similar sizes- this is a great way to get your hands on those dresses your friends own and you have been eyeing off!

There are a million different ways you can cut costs so that you can afford a healthier lifestyle. Eating organically costs more up front but goes a lot further. A bag of apples will last you all week as opposed to a packet of Tim Tams (chocolate biscuits for those not from Aus) that will disappear in seconds once they're opened.

So next time, think about the costs. Long term and short term. Weigh up what is more important to you, and what you can live without.

Maybe personal training isn't for you and you can go for a jog each day or work out to a DVD instead. That's great! I'm jealous!

But it is important not to trick yourself into thinking you can do it on your own, when you need help, seek it. It is your life, your body and you get to choose what you get out of it. Make sure you make the best decision for you, long term and short term.

Saying Goodbye

I am exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. This weekend was a long weekend in Australia, to celebrate Australia Day. Normally a weekend reserved for drinking, BBQ's and swimming.

Saturday wasn't too bad, I decided I didn't want to do too much because I had been helping mum clean up most of the week and knew we would be back into it on Sunday.We're moving house, saying goodbye to our childhood home of the last 14 years.

So I stayed at home and swam in our dam most of the day, then went out for dinner and watched a movie with a couple of friends. It was nice to catch up with them and just get a chance to talk. We have been friends since we were 13 but lately there has been a lot going on in all our lives so it has been getting harder and harder to get together for some decent down time.

Sunday. Wow what a day. We started off slow, slept in and deciding what we wanted to do that day. Then we spent the rest of the morning cleaning and and packing up. Then came the call at lunch time, we are going to move today. TODAY! Bloody hell.

So to back up a bit, we were moving in to my sisters and her partners house in the interim while the divorce goes through and mum finds another house... but not for another week! But my Brother-in-law (to be) decided we might as well do it now while he had the time.

So Sunday saw me, my mum, my sister and her partner packing, stacking, lifting furniture and making trips to the garages where we were storing our stuff and to their house with our more personal items. It was about 8pm by the time we were settled in and by then me and mum were exhausted. We were hot, sweaty, dusty, thirsty and tired. So I bought pizza and we had a few ruskis then went to bed.

Needless to say that sleeping in someone elses house meant that I didn't sleep well at all. Then next morning we were up and cleaning again. I stopped for lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. Then back into it again.

Again, we were so exhausted that we just grabbed what we could to eat from the fridge.

See the pattern?

But do you know what? I am so exhausted I don't care. I can't think about anything else. Today I'm back at work and will hopefully try and stick to my routine and not go buy a bag of chocolates to munch on for the sugar rush. But as for the weekend I am not going to feel guilty. I can't. I am too drained. That can wait until I have the energy and the time to evaluate and think about my eating decisions again.

But don't worry too much. I am going to boxing tonight and will have to take the dogs for a walk. So my exercise is not being affected at least.

Is it worth the guilt?

So lately I have been taking a step back from eating and weight loss. Mostly because I just can't summon up the energy to deal with it all.

I just want to be relaxed and happy and constantly feeling guilty isn't helping.

I mean do I want to over think everything I eat and worry about every bad thing that I put into my mouth? Or think about the consequences of just enjoying myself? NO.

That's just not realistic, or normal, or healthy. And I don't want that.

I am a long way from where I was. I am fitter and exercise more than I probably ever did and am even looking at increasing that after my holiday over Christmas.

I am eating more vegetables and fruit and cut out so much- lollies, chocolate, chips, sugary drinks, fast food.

That doesn't mean I don't ever eat the above, but compared to having something from all of the above every day, I am eating MAYBE one of the above a couple times a week. (Mostly chocolate. Dam that delicious goodness!)

That's good isn't it? Yet I am constantly thinking about how I shouldn't have had those dip and crackers, or those two pieces of chocolate, or that wine. But I did. So deal with it.

I am sick of second guessing myself and making myself feel even worse about something that to many others is just normal eating habits!

So I am taking a step back and just trying to enjoy myself and not over think it too much. This does not mean I am going to lapse back into old habits and all that ( I don't think I could even if I wanted too!) it just means I have to accept I am not perfect and that I can only improve.

I mean for heaven's sake- I am only 23!

Breathe.

Yes I want to lose weight. But I want to do it long term. I don't want to do something drastic and shock my system and lose a massive amount of weight only to put it all back on again when I resume normal eating habits. How is that healthy? How is that going to help me?

It's not. So this is me taking a step back and a deep breathe and try and look at things from a new perspective.

The experimentation with food we call a diet.

Every one of us that is losing weight has to look at the food we eat at some time or another. Whether it be as a meal plan, simply eating better and not undoing the hard work, removing sugar, carbs, protein, counting calories or having shakes or meals delivered.

Every one of us is experimenting with the food we eat to find the best solution for us, whether it be to be healthier or to lose weight, or for medical reasons such as high cholesterol or blood sugar.

My approach to begin with was a food diary, which helped me to open my eyes to when I was eating and what I was turning too when I didn't eat right. This helped me to realise I had to have three meals a day with two snacks. Otherwise I would end up at 3pm or 8pm searching the cupboards for that chocolate or cookie.

After doing the food diary for almost 4 months I thought I would give it a go by myself. It started well but it also happened around a time when, if I am honest, I just didn't have the energy, time or motivation to keep it up myself.

Then having enough of this I got into personal training. PT has changed my life. Not only do I enjoy exercising- who would have thought?? but it has put me back on track and now that I am noticing results and feeling good I feel I need to make better food choices to keep that work going.

Now this happened about a month ago, and going back to what I learnt from my food diary I have been trying to have three meals a day and two snacks. The problem is I would still crack and have that chocolate snack.

After looking over what I was eating again, I realised  a) that it wasn't good enough, I need to be healthier and b) I was eating a lot of protein but not very much healthy carbs.

I realised that it could be that I wasn't eating enough of the right carbs that I was then cracking and going for the highly processed sugary carbs in chocolate or lollies.

So this is my diet revised:

Breakfast : Healthy Cereal (Heart tick approved, min fat and sugar) with Rice Milk.
Lunch: Usually leftovers or a ham and salad roll/sandwich.
Dinner: Misc.

Snacks: Fruit, muesli bars or cup a soups.
Drinks: Water, coffee
Treats: Very occasionally now I will let myself have a piece of chocolate. Simply because if I cut it out all together then I will simply crave it more. However it is only one or two pieces. And not every day like I used too!

Since making the changes I have been really surprised! I know I shouldn't be, but I am.  I have stopped getting the cravings in the afternoon, and by having something savoury instead I am slowly training my body out of the "it's 3pm I need a sweet" mindset . Not only that but I don't even need as many snacks or as big a portions as what I used too.

I think this was something that was happening before, but because of my meal choices I wasn't giving my body the choice to eat or not. Now I am slowly getting into the frame of mind that I eat when I am hungry, not because I can, or because I am bored, or angry or upset or because it is just there in front of me.

So my goals for my diet include three steps:

Step 1: Get used to eating these meals and eventually replace unhealthy dinner meals with better choices. ( This is hard one, as I still eat with my family, who are not on a diet, but if I slowly introduce healthy versions I am hoping to convince them to eat healthier as well)

Step 2: Decrease the amount of sugar in my diet. This is not because I think I eat a lot of sugar, but once I am happy with my eating habits, and feel the need to go that step further and really cut out sugar. I know this will be hard as it is in so much foods! And will ultimately change how I think and prepare meals.

Step 3: This I think will happen hand in hand with Step 2, I would like to go as organic as possible and prepare as much as possible myself. At the moment this is pretty difficult as a) I don't have a lot of time and b) I need to learn how to cook/prepare the foods that I eat regularly.

The first one that I would like to change is bread. We have a bread machine at home, I just need to learn how to use it and start to make it a habit.

Yesterday was the first day that I not only wore tight clothing to training, so not my usual baggy t-shirt over the top to cover up my stomach, but I also managed to jog 800 meters, and I wasn't even too out of breath.

The t- shirt thing means that I am slowly becoming happy with how I look. The 800 metres means I am becoming fitter (sure 800 metres isn't much, but for someone who doesn't run AT ALL- that's a lot).

I do not want to ruin all that hard work by my food choices. Not when I have come so far!

I can't believe I walked away..

From Pizza!

That's right. I managed to walk away after only having two slices of pizza! I have NEVER EVER been able to do this before.

I put the two slices on my plate. Poured my glass of fizzy drink. And that was that, when I finished it I put my plate away and WALKED AWAY from the temptation.

Megan: 1
Pizza: 0


I am looking forward to this weekend the weather is finally clearing up and I'm hoping to be able to enjoy some time outdoors to make up for last weekend. Fingers crossed!


Ps. Someone I hadn't seen in FOREVER said I looked great and could tell I had lost weight, so I'm on a high right now >.<

Weekend Confession

This coming Friday is my birthday. I will be 23 years old! Or young. Depending on who you're talking to.

Any who, most of my friends had family things on this coming weekend, so I decided to celebrate early.

My weekend confession:

Thursday night I caught up with my friend for coffee. We talked for hours, it was a great night. Except I didn't eat dinner until 9.30pm and then it was a take away chicken roll (with salad!).

Friday night I went for drinks with the girls after work. I had four drinks and didn't eat again till 10pm- I had two pieces of toast with vegemite (like marmite but not) with cheese.

Saturday I had a big breakfast, two eggs, sunny side up, two pieces of bacon and a big mushroom- Yummy! (But definitely not on my eat every day list)
Then I went shopping and had a coffee AND did not eat lunch.

Then I headed out to a friends house party where several of my friends decided that they were going to get me drunk to celebrate my early birthday.

First of all, I do not normally drink. EVER. It's just not something I do. My friends have never ever seen me be drunk. Yes tipsy, having a good time, socialising, but never ever drunk. I usually just start off keeping up with everyone, then when they get too tipsy to notice if I'm drinking or not, I stop. I don't know why, it is just something I have always done. I think it might have something to do with control and letting go.

Well they saw me drunk on Saturday. Not only did they give me tequila, even when I told them not too! But because I hadn't eaten either. NOT A GOOD THING!

So yes I vomited. They all laughed and thought it was hilarious and now I feel like I have officially lived my youth and they can all stop trying to get me drunk.

It was funny though, as one of the comments I do remember was "What? You don't actually drink at all????!!" Obviously I had tried to tell people that I don't drink and they hadn't believed me. Maybe they just thought I don't drink much, but no, I don't drink at all.

For all that though, I was up at 6am on Sunday, barely a headache and felt fine. I did have a nice snooze in the sun in the afternoon and that was it.

So summary:

I ate very badly, and drank. More than I have in a long time. But I also know that this was a one-off. I don't plan on drinking like this every weekend. It's not my birthday every weekend. I don't want to start getting in bad habits.

On the other hand, this weekend I proved that I have finally started to break eating out of habit- "it's lunch time therefore I must eat lunch". Not because I am actually hungry.

This is something that I have been working on, that and making sure that everything I eat contributes to my overall health. This is something that I used to do a lot when I first lost weight but it has become harder as I struggle to plan and organise meals etc. I also have been under a lot of stress at work which I feel like I have finally been able to let go and relax.

All in all, I feel bad at what I did, but it just makes me feel more determined to do better and go harder. I have been doing really well in training so I feel like I don't want to ruin that with food.

I have even cut back on chocolate lately, and I haven't felt deprived or anything!

So looking forward, not back and here's hoping the next year of my life is positive, healthy and full of achievements!

THE Dream Body

Everyone has a shape, a goal, a size that they think is healthy, sexy, attractive. Everyone has that dream of what they want to look like when they lose weight.

For some it is simply to be within a healthy weight range. For others it's to be toned all over. A flat stomach. No longer taking medication. Fitting into that dress. Single digit clothing. So on and so forth.

Everyone has a dream of that body.

For me, it is to be healthy, to be fit*, to have a flat stomach. BUT I still want my curves, I still want to have soft tissue. I do not want to ever be too thin. I don't really care about toning. It would be nice, but it is not terribly important.

*Fit is also something that is subjective. To me fit means to be able to get up the stairs without puffing, to be able to do push ups if I want to, to be able to run after a child, and play games without being short of breathe.  A very broad fitness is what I want. I don't need to be able to run for miles on end, to be able to do lift my own body weight ( although that is something I would like to do once!) or any of those things. My main reason for exercising is to be healthy and to do something I enjoy.

Anyways as I was talking about what I want and don't want. I realised everyone's goals are different, everyone's reasons are different.

What is your ideal?