Retreat

It's hard for me to face the world. All I want to do is block it all out and focus on my thoughts. To try and figure myself out before I deal with people and their comments and looks and judgement.

It doesn't matter whether the comments are said out loud. It's all in a look, a gesture, a raised eyebrow or a turning away. That disappointment. They are disappointed in me.

Recently I took the plunge and joined online dating. After about 2 months, I've deleted my profile. I just can't handle it. The talking, the getting to know someone, developing that connection and finally meeting them. Then disappointment.

They are nice, they are sweet, they still talk to me and we become friends. But I am not what they are looking for, I am not what they are expecting. I am a disappointment, a failure.

It doesn't matter whether that's realistic or not. Whether I am imagining things, or whether I am being over the top. It's the first thing that comes into my head and it's the feeling that has accompanied almost all my dates.

No more. I am sick of this feeling. Sick of failing or the looks. Of being heartsore and lonely.

Enough is enough.

Enough moping. So you haven't met someone? So what. That just means more time with your friends, more time with family, more time working on your dream body and exercising and embracing life.

So what if people look at you for being the 'single' friend. The loner. Screw them. Life is meant to be lived, not spent waiting around for someone to make you feel 'special'.

So right now, it may look like I am retreating from the world, from dating and men. Again. But this time I am retreating in order to regroup, refocus and channel my energy. On me. The one who actually needs it.

Small milestones!

Just a quickie post.

Yesterday I had GX boxing with the girls. Before boxing we usually do a lap around the park to warm up.

I HATE IT.

I SUCK at running. I always have. Everything jiggles, my legs don't go fast enough or far enough and I breathe really heavy.

I have often been asked if I have asthma. I've never been tested so I don't know. I just think I'm overweight.

Anyways. Yesterday I jogged the entire park WITHOUT STOPPING! WOOOOOOOOO!

First time for everything :)

It's the small things like that that makes you feel proud, and the difference between where I was and where I am now.

Clothes are getting bigger. I am getting stronger and fitter and I am feeling better.

And it is that feeling that is the most important. Because my confidence in myself, my body, my personality, is returning and it is amazing. I am finally getting back to the real me. The me that has hidden behind walls and junk food and my layers of fat and shyness for the last 3 years.

Watch our world , I'm coming for you!

What do you want out of life?

What is that motivates you each day? That gets you out of bed in the morning? That makes you put that ice coffee down and pick up the weights instead?

Why do you go to work today, tomorrow or the next? Why do you see your friends, have a BBQ or go away for the weekend?

What do you want out of your life?

These are some of the questions that have been bubbling around my head more and more often. I am now at the age where my friends are either off travelling or settling down with their partners (some of them are further along in that department than others).

I have travelled, or at least enough that I don't have that "urge" to get "out" that my travelling friends seem to feel.

I don't want to "settle down" either.

So that doesn't leave a lot of options. Ha. What a joke!

I'm a big planner. I like planning and having direction in my life. Most people who come to know me realise this. So they often ask me what plan I am sticking to with my weight loss.

While I agree everyone should have a plan, that they should have strategies and things that they stick to, people also need to work out what works for them. Which is different for everyone, and there is not right or wrong answer.

For me, right now, I am not "planning" so much as "doing" my weight loss. I spent so much time thinking I wanted to lose weight while eating myself into gaining 5kgs. I was thinking so much about going to the gym, about walking each day, about cutting the calories that I never actually did it.

So I stopped thinking about it and started doing it. Obviously there are things I still need to plan and use, there are tricks that I have picked up and use and I plan to stay away from fast food and plan to exercise this week.

But I am not following a plan. Nor do I believe I will succeed if I do. Not for the long term anyways.

This is my life. This is not some short term stint that is supposed to whip me magically into shape and somehow I will be able to follow a no- carb, low sugar, 8 hours of exercise a week diet.

No, this is long term. This is permanent. This is about re-learning how I think about food, exercise and life.

Which brings me back to the question: What do you want out of life? What do I want out of life?

I want to be healthy. I want to be normal. To not be the person who always eats salad when everyone eats a curry. I want to enjoy eating and going out with friends without being self conscious.
I want to enjoy life to the fullest. I want to breathe easier, lift easier, walk easier.

I want sunshine, grass, walks by the river, sweat and tears, muscles, toned arms and stomach. I want to create yummy recipes which are also healthy.

I DON'T want to always be looking over my shoulder. To always count my food or to feel guilty, or unhappy or cheated. I DON'T want to be fat and lonely and left out. I DON'T want to feel like life is passing me by.

So now comes the part where I do what I need to do to make that things I WANT happen.

And that is not counting calories, it is not denying myself. It is going to training at least three times a week and fitting in other sessions when I can. It is making sure I eat my fruit and veg daily. Drinking my water, getting out in the sun, putting myself out there and joining in. It is about me changing my mind and to stop thinking of junk food and large portions as something I need and am entitled to.

To think of quality not quantity. To think that a good coffee and catch up with friends is better (and it is) than sitting at home eating chocolate while watching a DVD. It's about changing my lifestyle not just what I put into my mouth.

And that is what I am doing. I now exercise regularly. I eat good food. I snack less. I eat smaller portions. I think twice about eating junk food, but don't cut myself up if I do.

And my pants and getting bigger and bigger, I am getting stronger and fitter.

This is working for me. It may not work for you. And that's ok.

I'm not planning I am doing.

Emotional Well-Being and Catching up with Friends

I was talking to a dear friend of mine on the weekend. We caught up on Saturday for movies and pizza, I ended up staying the night as I couldn't be bothered driving home at 12pm when I was tired. And then we went to a cafe near the ocean and had breakfast and after heading back to her place we chatted and before I knew it was 4pm!

(Then I had dash off and get home to get myself organised for the week ahead.)

So what has us talking for so long? Well besides family, life, friends, boys and all the usual things that come along, there was also weight loss and emotional well being.

Something that I have been accepting more and more is that I am happy. I am proud of myself, I am happy with the decisions I have been making, I am happy with my exercise and I am happy at where I am in life.

Partly this is to do with my weight loss so far, which while I do not weigh myself, it has become more and more obvious I am losing weight through my clothes and shape.

My happiness with myself is being reflected in my confidence and appearance and also my decisions and how I am with friends with family. Everything else just seems to be so much better. Decisions that might have made me depressed or upset or got me down a year a go are just so much easier to handle, they are just a bump in the road.

It is amazing how everything is interlinked. You look good, you feel good, so you are happy and this affects how you deal with things.

It also goes the other way.

Sadly, my friend is in a similar position to where I was when I first started this journey. She is unhappy, she is depressed, she feels guilty and hates herself for the decisions she makes that mean that she is gaining weight not losing weight, which just makes her more unhappy and everything else in life is just that bit harder and more stressful.

It's exactly how I felt when I first started. It took me a long time of thinking about how hard and long and how I don't have enough time to do anything else etc before I realised I needed to stop thinking and start doing.  That meant I started going to the gym, and when the gym didn't work and I realised I needed something more, I started PT. Best decision I ever made.

So we talked about my journey, how hard it has been and how far I have come and how much it has been worth it. But most of all I made sure she didn't feel judged for how she is and how she is coping. I made her think about little things she could be doing and told her I still make mistakes today. That one day she will just have enough and start making the right steps.

I made sure she knew she could talk to me, that I would understand and not make her feel like a "lazy fat person who obviously doesn't try hard enough" because that's what we all have in the back of heads anyways, that that's what all those "skinny" people think of us. (Whether that is true or not is irrelevant, it's what we think.)

The reality is weight loss is not just about controlled intake and exercise = weight loss. It's about all the emotions and pain that got us there in the first place. And if you don't fix that then you will never maintain your loss once you get there, because you never really understood how you got to be so big in the first place and will make all those mistakes all over again.

I hope that if you have a friend out there that needs help and guidance that you will make them feel loved and understood and not mock them for their weight battles, because we are often our own worst judge and enemy and need support from our loved ones more than anything to help us take the first steps.

Learning to love Myself.

Something which I have always struggled with, is loving who I am as a person, and what I look like as a whole.

In general there are things that I love about myself, my hair, eyes and lips. My quirky tastes in fashion, design and books.

But in general, what with the whole FAT- thing going on, I don't generally think of myself as WHOLE.

As I am doing more training, I am learning to love what I can do, I can do sit-ups non stop for a minute. I can do squats fro two minutes non stop. I can do burpees and push ups (not very good ones, but hey I'm working on it)

Slowly but surely I am learning to love myself. I love that standing up relaxed (not sucking in my belly) my stomach is NOT the biggest (OMG I HAVE BOOBS!!). I love that my pants are getting more and more loose, and the dresses flow smoothly over my hips and stomach.

I love losing weight and gaining strength and muscle and tone. I love learning more about what I CAN do, not what I CAN'T do.

I love learning about the new me. :)