Overhaul: All by myself

So I officially moved out on Friday. And simultaneously was excited to finally take my health into my own hands, while also wondering how I was going to afford everything.

Because I now have a house and mortgage to pay. All by myself. On my small wage with a charity organisation. And of course not living out of home before, I did not have all those things that people have when they live out of home. Plus there is all the other things, the added extras that you need to pay, such as painting, rates, fans, gardening and retic and air conditioning etc

All by myself.

Anyways, as you can imagine my brain is in overload right now. Especially with all the things I need to organise. Summer is only a couple of months here and I would ideally like some air conditioning before then... but that could take a while to save up, should I not just get TV and some fans instead??

Plus food, and exercise. So far I have a been a bit busy and too tired to exercise but I hope to start going for walks/jogs around the neighbourhood soon. Just need to settle in and unpack a few things first.

Food has been good. I've been wanting to experiment with being more vegetarian for a while, so decided now was the perfect chance to. So that's what I've been doing so far. Plus I made a batch of soup and put it in the freezer in preparation of those days when I won't want to cook. So proud of myself!

Knowing that finances is going to be difficult for a while means that I'm trying to plan ahead and think of ways I can shop better and make food last longer. Left overs for lunches and meals in the freezer so I don't resort to buying expensive take-away for instance. Plus selling off a few things that I don't need for some spare cash.

It's going to be a long haul, and very hard for me to hold back and not want to get everything sorted RIGHT NOW. Rather than wait until next week when I know how much money I have. But hey, I think I can do it. I am quite ambitious after all and have no problem with not having a social life for while.

I'm hoping with the combination of smaller meals, more vegetables and healthier foods, plus the introduction of walking/jogging most days I can get back onto the band wagon and stop the creeping kilos. It's been a few months since I stopped PT and I miss it, and feel like I've put on 1-2kgs. Possibly it's just a lack of muscle, but I don't want to take the chance of it being a long term thing.

Once I've settled in and got some expensive items out of the way, I'll look into the possibility of dance classes or something to up the ante.

But here's cheers to learning how to live thrifty, and healthy, all by myself.

This weekend was glorious

I had an amazing weekend. I managed to get done pretty much everything I meant to, did some great relaxing activities, caught up with friends, spent time in the sunshine and even baked!

I painted, I read, I watched movies, I did the cleaning, ironing and even managed to fit in a few walks with the dog.

It left me feeling relaxed, satisfied and proud. I didn't feel stressed, or that I didn't make the most of my weekend. I embraced it and enjoyed it and had plenty of downtime to boot.

It's coming back to priorities and what really makes me happy. Do I really want to spend all weekend eating junk food and watching movies? Does that make me happy? Leave me feeling satisfied? Or does it make me feel bad about myself, make me feel like I've wasted my weekend and created a binging cycle where I hate myself even more for the way I look.

I've started identifying the things that really make me happy and making sure I include these in my weekend. Sure I may have to work, or do some chores around the house, or do some of those mundane things. But the key is to make sure I block out some 'me' time. And not just wait for it to happen, but be proactive about it and make sure it happens and include things I really want to do.

And what do I really want to do? Spend time outdoors in the sun. Play with my dog. Talk with friends. Enjoy a good coffee. Be pampered. Explore around me.

I don't want to be sick, tired, sore and watch life pass me by. That is not what I want to be like.

Sure some people might say that I'm watching life pass me by because I don't go out on a Saturday night. But if going out, getting dressed up, being splilt drinks on, coming home, tired, seedy and gross is what entails going out and living life, then I am happy to pass that opportunity up. Life is what we make of it, not what our friends or peers do. Do what you enjoy, not what everyone else enjoys. Otherwise you'll only have regrets.

Confidence; Do you have it and how do you show it?

I read a blog today where the author writes 10 things that she would like the confidence to do, a bucket list for confident activities.

It made me think about what makes us seem confident, and what we consider an activity that confident people do.

One of the items on the list was walking with eyes and head up right. Not downcast.

Now I am a confident person. I am confident in my abilities, my strengths, my weaknesses, I am confident that I know who I am and what I am capable of, and that it is not related to my body. Mostly. So for me, walking eyes up front is not something I would consider as being on my bucket list. I do it most days.

I think it also comes back to the philosophy of facing things head on- shoulders up, back straight and face your fears. I am the sort of person who realises my flaws and tries to work on them. To show that I am more than my fears and eventually overcomes them. For example; as an introvert, I hate crowds of random people and struggle to start a conversation. So one night I went out on the town by myself, went to a bar, sat down and tried to make a conversation with some randoms. It was a great night and it made me feel so much more confident in myself and my abilities.

Another lady mentioned that they wish they could wear a bikini in public. I actually did this in summer. Originally I had a t-shirt on over the top but it was annoying and baggy and was going to take my forever to get dry. So I was like you know what, I don't give a damn, and took it off. And swam and had a ball and even got a few glances from some males. No one glared or looked away disgusted. No one got up and left or looked me up and down as if to say 'you're wearing that?'. It was just another reminder to me, which is happening more and more, that for everyone person who bullies and bashes being chubby there are so many more who don't care. Who have family, friends, partners, colleagues who look like I do and all they really want is for you to be happy and get on with life.

It's heartening, encouraging and inspiring.

So what do I want the confidence to be able to do? I want the confidence to wear sexy clothing and not worry about my cellulite or stretchmarks or saggy belly (damn you weight loss!). I want the confidence to look someone in the eye and say 'Fuck you, I am beautiful too'. I want the confidence to be myself without having to worry about what people think, without worrying that I need to justify myself. I want the confidence to jog down the street and puff and pant and simply relish being able to run, not worry about the people will be looking at everything 'jiggling'.

Simple things, but important ones to me. So what does confidence mean to you?

Jogging- It's a big deal

So since not having a PT anymore, I've started looking into my exercise options. At the moment I am mostly walking and concentrating on health (still not 100%). However I know that if I leave it too long then I will get into the habit of NOT exercising and possibly fall back into other old bad habits.

I have never been a runner. But I have always admired people who were. It just seems like an easy free and freeing exercise. Much like cycling. Except that cycling in Australia you need a helmet for and also ride next to crazy drivers, which does not appeal to me at all.

Anyways yesterday I took the dog for a walk and decided, you know what? I'm going to try a jog most of the way to my (new) house which is a couple of blocks from where I am now. To my surprise, I actually could jog most of the way there and I also wasn't out of breathe so much as sore from using long unused muscles.

This was both surprising and heartening. I have always struggled with my breathing and it has always deterred me from taking up a few sports.

But maybe I am getting past that? Maybe jogging/running is something I can do after all?

I'm trying not to think too much about it and pressure myself into doing something that I might regret or end up hating. But I would like to give it a crack and see how I go. Maybe one day I'll be able to jog to and from my new house to the old? Maybe I'll be able to be one of those people who happily goes for a jog after work? Who knows. Time will tell.

Moving in a new direction

So I have not been posting so much on here lately. Mostly because I have recently discovered instagram and the amazing community of body positivity on there.


I am a huge believer in body positivity. I believe that no matter what size or shape you are that you should be able to feel good about yourself. Not depressed, not deprived, not angry or disgusted. These negative emotions do not help someone to lose weight or make a difference in their lives, instead they lead to more eating and drinking, drugs or suicidal thoughts. Making someone feel bad about how they live their life does not achieve anything except perhaps to make you feel better about how you live yours.


That does not mean I support being unhealthy, overweight and lack of exercise. But I am more accepting that there are people out there that do eat well and look after themselves that do not fit into the standard shape or weight range. Perhaps they have just started their good health journey, or perhaps that is just what their body looks like, or perhaps that is what they are happy with looking like? Who am I to judge. I am not a doctor, nutritionist or personal trainer.


Anyways, back to my own personal troubles. I have been in a bit of a slump, however I am slowly but surely coming back out of it. It was a combination of a few things, being really unwell, stressed and exhausted had a lot to do with it. Basically I had pushed myself too far with work and it had taken it's toll. At the same time my PT made the decision to go back to full time work in order to get the bank loan she needed for her house. Which means two things a) I have more money now that I am not doing PT and b) that I need to find some sort of physical activity to do.


I've been taking it slow as I really just wanted to get my health back and to prove to myself that I wouldn't fall off the band wagon just because I wasn't doing PT and having someone look over my shoulder. I did binge a little, but I have regrouped and am pulling myself back again. Key to this as always is preparation. The more meals I plan in advance the less thinking I have to do and the less chance I have of making decisions that I later regret. So far so good.


Right now I am focusing on finding healthier alternatives to satisfy my sweet tooth and looking into new physical activities to try- dancing or martial arts perhaps. But it is nice to know that after 3 years I am finally in control of my life and that even when I fall off the band wagon it is not for long. I just pick myself up and dust myself off and start again :)

2014, My Year, My Way.

So I have been training for quite a while now, almost 2 years now. Yet I probably only shifted 15kgs and am still struggling with running the stairs on Thursday afternoons.

In comparisons one of the girls who started 6 months before me has lost 35kgs and is running loops around the rest of us.

The difference? Diet.

I have been touching on this again and again, my diet is my weakness. And it is costing me.

I keep thinking that if I trained hard enough I am doing enough to change my body. I keep thinking that I am tired and stressed and don't have the will power to stick with a strict diet.

I keep thinking that I can get away with still eating a block of chocolate or a bag of chips (every now and then).

Sure, my diet has been improving, I have cut out most junk food and bad foods. But I cave as soon as the going gets tough and still have a lot of things that probably aren't good for me.

Last night I was comparing myself and this other girl and realised that the only real difference is me. My inability, my weakness to let go of my old life and foods and to really change my lifestyle and nutrition.

It means putting more time and effort into my food choices. It will mean more grocery shopping and prepping and planning to stay on track. But in the end I wil be better for it and perhaps I can finally move on from the 99kg mark and get down to 80kgs (my goal).

The biggest thing I am concentrating on is not eating so much carbs. I am not cutting out carbs completely, but I think by reducing my bread (especially) in take, I will force myself to look to more nutritional sources of food to fill me up; such as beans, vegies or fruit.

I am going to create a reward sheet and track how many days I can stick to it, I just need to think of something really good to reward myself with so I can stick with it!

I will also start training more. So many of the girls try to fit in more workouts when they can, I need and can do that too. I just need to suck it up and realise that I am in this for the long haul and if I really wanted to be a size 12/14, then I would make the changes I needed to make.

If I really want to be healthy, if I really wanted to change, I will do this for myself.

Wish me luck!

The benefits of losing weight- shopping!

I had forgotten how good it feels to be able to fit into smaller clothes. To see something nice in a shop and think, oh that looks like it will fit- and it does.

I had forgotten how much I avoid certain shops, because their clothes were on the smaller side.

I had forgotten how much I relied on stretchy fabric and flowing designs to hide my figure.

Yesterday reminded me how much I had changed.

Yesterday I was looking in Myer and killing some time when I happened to be walking through Cue and noticed some stunning dresses. Dresses that I would not have looked at before this journey. Dresses that I still thought I probably wouldn't fit into- even if it said a size 16!

Anyways, I decided to try it on. What the hell. If it didn't fit then at least that was motivation to continue on my journey.

They didn't have a 16, only a 14. And this was not a stretchy fabric or loose dress. This was fitted around the boobs and waist before flairing out around the hips- perfect for my pear shaped figure.

I pulled the zip up and it stopped and I turned to check the back, wondering how far I had gotten, imagining that it had snagged just above my waist (where I flair back out again). And realised that the zip was at the top of the dress!

You cannot imagine how excited I was.

IT FIT!

I was in a size 14, fitted, amazing, gorgeous dress from a brand that I had always loved but thought I would never wear.

AMAZING.

I was on a shopping high.

As someone that has been slowly losing weight, you often don't notice the transformation as much as others around you.

This was one of those moments when you just need to do a happy dance and be grateful for all the hardwork that you've done. Wearing that dress is definitely worth it!

My relationship with food

For the longest time food has been a comfort, a friend, a delight. Something to turn to in despair, in happiness, in boredom, in loneliness and in creativeness.

It is because of this of course that I became overweight in the first place. Clearly this sort of relationship is not healthy. You should be able to to turn to friends and activities to help you with these emotions. Should being the key word in that sentence.

Slowly I have been working on changing how I view food. Trying to see it as nourishment- no more, no less.

Of course this has been easy on my good days, when I am happy and light and everything is right in the world. When I am stressed and tired, not so much.

Lately, however ,I have been sick quite a bit. While sick, every mouthful I have eaten has made me regret it later. It has caused me to feel rotten and gross and like my stomach has turned against me.

Because of this I have almost started to view food negatively. To view food as something necessary and not the comfort I have been used to.

I can't say for sure whether this is something permanent. It is only early days yet and my sickness is still fresh in my mind, who knows how I will feel in a month or two when this becomes a distant memory?

I am hoping it is something that sticks. I don't like the way I think of food. I do not like the way I turn to it when something goes wrong. It is this behaviour that could so easily derail me and make gain everything back if something was bad enough.

Let's hope it sticks.

Retreat

It's hard for me to face the world. All I want to do is block it all out and focus on my thoughts. To try and figure myself out before I deal with people and their comments and looks and judgement.

It doesn't matter whether the comments are said out loud. It's all in a look, a gesture, a raised eyebrow or a turning away. That disappointment. They are disappointed in me.

Recently I took the plunge and joined online dating. After about 2 months, I've deleted my profile. I just can't handle it. The talking, the getting to know someone, developing that connection and finally meeting them. Then disappointment.

They are nice, they are sweet, they still talk to me and we become friends. But I am not what they are looking for, I am not what they are expecting. I am a disappointment, a failure.

It doesn't matter whether that's realistic or not. Whether I am imagining things, or whether I am being over the top. It's the first thing that comes into my head and it's the feeling that has accompanied almost all my dates.

No more. I am sick of this feeling. Sick of failing or the looks. Of being heartsore and lonely.

Enough is enough.

Enough moping. So you haven't met someone? So what. That just means more time with your friends, more time with family, more time working on your dream body and exercising and embracing life.

So what if people look at you for being the 'single' friend. The loner. Screw them. Life is meant to be lived, not spent waiting around for someone to make you feel 'special'.

So right now, it may look like I am retreating from the world, from dating and men. Again. But this time I am retreating in order to regroup, refocus and channel my energy. On me. The one who actually needs it.

New Year, New Goals.

So it's a new year and customary to make new goals. You would think that as this is mostly about weight loss, that it would be all weight loss goals? Not quite.

One of the biggest things I learnt in 2013 was that how I am living the rest of my life has a direct impact on my weight. Or more accurately, what I eat and how much I exercise.

One of my main goals last year was that no matter what, I was to keep exercising. This meant that no matter how stressed, how sore or in pain, how tired or fat or emotional, I just had to keep going.

Mostly that meant sticking to routine and forcing myself to say 'yes' whenever my trainer confirmed an appointment. It also meant that when I was sick or sore (I had some back problems late last year) to talk to my trainer about alternative exercises we could do, or simply doing as much as I could outside of training.

I am glad to say that this was something that I kept up and most weeks I trained at least 2-4 times a week. That may seem low to other people losing weight, but I am working on creating a long term lifestyle change and 2-4 times a week is something I can commit to long term. Heck, I've just done it for a whole year!

I think being able to stick to this one goal has meant that I could focus more effectively. Sure I could have half a dozen goals that I am working on, but when things got tough, that was the one thing I couldn't break. And I have noticed the difference. In the last month alone when everyone has been complaining about not fitting into their summer bikini or favourite dress, I was buying new clothes and squeezing into a pair of jeans that are no longer too small for me. Hallelujah!

Another of my goals for 2013, was to get back into my arts and crafts more. Which I have been doing, I have been painting something almost every month.

I am so glad that I made this a goal and committed to it. I had forgotten how much I missed it and it has made a huge difference in how I feel. Painting for me has always been an emotional vent, often this results in very abstract and bold paintings, sometimes though I am in a more serene state and will do some watercolour landscapes. For me painting has helped me to handle stress, to be more patient and find my inner peace, and to vent my feelings onto something other than food. NEVER underestimate how important this is.

So, two goals for 2013 that made a huge impact onto my life. What will I concentrate on in 2014?

My diet is a major goal for me this year. I will not be going on a diet but I really want to concentrate on eating right and making sure I am not sabotaging myself. Which is what I am doing, particularly when stressed.

Apart from that, I really want to tick a few things off my bucket list. Things like skydiving which I can only do if under 99kgs. Things that I would like to do while young.

Another area I want to work on is using my time and money more effectively. I feel like I have done pretty well cruising along. But once I have a house this will change. I feel like if I can get into some good habits now, it will help tremendously down the track.

I hope everyone else had a great break for Christmas and the New Year and I look forward to reading everyone elses goals and aims for the year ahead.

What's in my head

I am a big thinker. I think, I analyse, I think again. Sometimes I will get so sick of thinking that I will just make a snap decision and do something. It's annoying, it's frustrating, it's who I am.

At the moment I have a few things going on in my brain that I just need to get out somewhere.

Dating
Ok, not the topic you were thinking of right? I have started dating again after starting to feel happier about myself and where I am with my body. I have been on a few dates and met some nice guys.. but no spark. No sizzle. No.. anything.

In the past, part of the reason I didn't date much was that I always assumed that the reason I hadn't met anyone was because of me. It was me that needed to be fixed or wasn't quite right or at my best. It was because I was too fat, too shy, liked my books over walks etc etc.

Now I am right back at that same spot again and all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and refocus on getting me 'right'. Fixing all my problems in time to me the right one.

How insane does that sound? And yet I am struggling to not give in again.

Diet
I am struggling more and more with dairy. Everything I eat seems to make me sick, which in turn makes me unhappy and feeling gross which makes me either want to just lay down and not move or find some sort of food that doesn't make me sick.

Plus I have been super stressed and tired lately (Headache's again argh) and this means that I haven't been making lunches and snacks like I normally would. I have been spending a bit more money so that I buy healthier options, but sometimes I just slip.

This doesn't make me happy. I WANT to do better. I WANT to be healthier. I WANT to lose that last bit of weight and get down to a happy size 14. And yet I can't seem to summon up the energy or enthusiasm to be able to follow through.

So I am going to go see a naturopath and see whether they can help me with my dietary problems and hopefully put me on the right path.

Family
I am so sick of my family at the moment. Mostly my Sister and her Partner. They are on a massive health fix at the moment and it is driving me insane.

They will spend up to $250 on food for one person in a week. How insane is that!!!

That's because her Partner is on some high protein diet and he eats good quality steak like 4 times a day. I don't know how he isn't sick of it yet.

It seems to be working for them and I am happy for them. But oh my god I just wish they would be more considerate. They constantly judge us on what food we eat, because it might have some cheese or pasta in it. They cook for themselves and not the rest of us. But when we cook there's a 50/50 chance of them eating. You just never know. It's just not fair.

And it is so frustrating hearing them tell me what I should be doing. Just because they have had some success on a radical fad diet does not mean they have the right or the knowledge to tell me how to lose weight. I am doing it the right way, with diet and exercise and losing weight consistently over long term.

These are just a few of the swirls of thoughts going round my head. There is more, like travel plans, problems with friends, work, work and more work... it just keeps going and I feel like I barely have a chance to breathe and catch up and get myself in a good place again. I feel like I don't have time to relax and concentrate on me. Just me. No one else.

I hope I can find some time soon to stop and relax. To process and refocus. Soon, please.

Simple is the new mantra of Summer.

Finally we have some sunshine here in Perth! You can't imagine how happy that makes me!

I'm a real morning and daylight person. I pretty much go into hibernate mode as soon as the cold, night, chill creeps in. I'm sure you can appreciate how this might slow me down and affect my weight loss.. except this year I made a conscious effort to not skip my workouts. To make sure that I at least went to as many as I could unless I was sick and to eat a lot more soups than other comfort foods.

And it worked! Out of all my trainers clients she says I have made the most improvements this year, going from 2x 30min session and one boxing session late last year, to upping it to first 2 x hour long sessions, then adding the 2 boxing sessions and finally adding in the stairs session as well, as I realised I needed to keep pushing myself.

I now train a minimum of 3 times a week, often 5 times a week (group classes are cancelled from time to time due to numbers). And I feel great for it. I have noticed a huge improvement in my fitness and overall well being and stamina. Especially since starting doing the stairs. I have also lost cm's as proven by my clothes and need for new ones.

Something I realised is that if I didn't push myself over winter, it was only going to make it harder in summer. Because then I would have had the extra kgs over winter to lose as well, and less time to lose it.

While numbers on the scale is not what I am really care about, being able to look good and feel good in my clothes is. I want to be healthy. In all senses of the word.

As always, I am constantly tweaking and cutting back. I am not one of those people who can go all or nothing, instead I focus on one part of my diet and work hard to make that part right. Once I am used to say, not drinking soft drink or cutting back on coffee, then I tweak my diet somewhere else.

Eventually I would like to say that I create all my meals myself, including sauces and condiments, and that it is as organically produced as possible.

At the moment I have started concentrating on increasing my protein, but cutting back on my meat. I truly believe that we eat too much meat. Especially as both lunches and dinner can include meat of some sort, plus we eat larger portions than what we should. There is also a cost factor, which as someone soon to be a first home buyer, I need to keep in mind.

So at the moment I have been concentrating on not eating meat for lunch- by meat I mean I would usually eat chicken or ham in a sandwich. Instead I have been focusing on having vegetarian sandwich's with eggs and salad or roast vegetables or salmon with salad.

Since doing this I have felt unbelievably better. It took me a while to understand what the source was, but I eventually realised that by not eating meat so often I felt lighter and healthier. I was naturally eating more vegetables to help keep me full and this was also in turn making me want more healthy, vegetable laden meals.

Not to say that I am now eating vegetables with every meal and pretty much a vegetarian. I'm not. As I live at home, I often have limited choices with meals. But all in all my diet is much better than what it was.

My next step will be to improve my snacks (which aren't bad, but I need something a bit more filling so I'm not tempted by that piece of chocolate in the afternoon) and start improving dinners.

Other things, non-diet related, that I have been working on, is getting back in touch with my creative side. I am proud to say that I have started painting again and that this makes me amazingly happy and relaxed on the weekends.

I also have decided 'simple' is going to be mantra this summer. Simple living, simple clothes, simple room, simple meals, simple lifestyle. Nothing complicated or hard. Nothing cluttered and meaningless. Quality over quantity, essentially. No more wasting time or money on cheap jewellery or clothes when I can buy one good pair of jeans or dress which will last longer and do more for me.

It's time to start appreciating the small things in life; sunshine, friends, family. Not spending money on material possessions.

It's time to keep things Simple. :)

Something that hurts

Something that always manages to hurt is other people's snide comments about what I eat. They seem to think that because they catch me eating a piece of chocolate or some hot chips that it gives them the right to criticise what I am doing.

They seem to think that just because I am not 100% sugar free, wheat free, dairy free etc etc that I don't eat healthy. That I am not doing 'enough'.

It makes me so angry and then it makes me sad.

Because every time I hear those comments I wonder why I don't push myself more, why I don't make those simply changes. Why I don't go harder, faster, longer...

It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. As if I'm the failure.

Despite going from not exercising at all to exercising 5 times a week.

From constantly snacking in my room after dinner to not snacking after dinner at all.

From barely touching fruit to eating fruit every morning, and feeling weird when I don't.

From skipping breakfast to eating cereal or wholegrain toast with boiled eggs every morning.

From shovelling fast food into me while in my car when I was hungry but too ashamed for anyone to see what I was eating.

From having fast food almost every week to less than once a month.

From drinking soft drink or juice every week to next to nothing.

From cutting back my meat consumption and increasing my fish and vegetables.

From going from someone who was about to go into a size 20 pants to someone who has to now go into a size 16. One size away from my goal.

From someone who was ashamed and disgusted with themselves and what their body looked like to someone who has finally rediscovered their confidence and joy in life. Who is HAPPY and who is HEALTHY and who is constantly improving.

Yes I am not 100% organic, sugar and wheat free. But my god I am a billion times better than what I was .

So SHUT THE F*** UP.

Mixing it up and increasing my sessions: bring on the new me!

So I have swapped my workout routine around. Hopefully it should help me to fit more workouts in overall.

What did I change?
Well normally I work out 4-5 times a week between 5.30-6.30pm, this included 2 x PT sessions, 2x GX boxing sessions and an occasional stairs session.

But often what happens is something will come up at work or I'll be invited out by friends after work which often results in a) cancelling my session or b) missing out on being with friends.

Also recently I have started volunteering with my local shire to help with an October event and they meet at Wednesday's at 6.30 pm.

So to stop myself from the temptation of cancelling my sessions and so that I can enjoy some free time after work to meet friends and get those annoying chores out of the way I have swapped my 2 PT sessions from Mon + Wed @ 5.30pm to Tues and Thurs @ 6am.

For the first time I will be working out in the morning.. this is going to be interesting!

I feel good about it though because I am less likely to cancel in the morning and it doesn't change my routine too much at all. I already get up at 6, so now I just get up a little bit earlier for my workout and get to work later.

I eventually want to get into a routine of working out every morning, even if it is as little as a walk/jog around the block in the mornings. I'll start slow and will eventually build up to working out 8 times a week.. well that's the plan anyways!

Since starting doing stairs I have noticed a real improvement in my overall fitness. Things like jogging, walking, bending, mountain climbers etc are all a lot easier. I think it's do with the type of movement- they all consist of bending my knees and lifting my legs.

For me as a pear, my bottom half is the part that needs the most improvement, not that my top half is amazing but it's a size to two sizes smaller.. anyways because I have always carried so much weight there I have always felt uncomfortable running, jogging and generally moving that area. This of course just meant it got worse not better.

So now finally I am tackling this issue and challenging myself and my body!

Once again diet is being re tweaked. I really fell off the bandwagon last week after jumping on the scales and being hugely disappointed. This is why I don't weigh myself!!! Now that I am over my binge I'm back to being motivated to getting myself down to where I need to be.

While I love that I have changed shape and that people can see the difference, the scales are still not reflecting my commitment. And amongst other things I want the scales to say 70-75 kilos. I don't mind being higher than that if I feel like my body is in a good place, but I still think I should aim for a healthy BMI.

I had a taste of mixed martial arts last night and really enjoyed it. It was very different but really practical, in the sense that you could actually use the moves should you need to defend yourself. Something I find quite reassuring being a young female.

So let's see how the new work out routine goes and hopefully if all goes well I'll be adding in more flexible workouts- walks and jogs etc to the routine and maybe by the end of this year I might actually see some results on the scales as well.. one can only hope!

Working-out.

I don't often post about what sort of work outs I do each week, mostly because I assume people are aware of the different work outs you can do and because this blog is pretty much just for me to blurt out all my feelings about weight loss.

So lately I have been working out quite a bit. Well at least for me I have. I have been doing 2 x hour PT sessions a week, 2 X GX Boxing sessions and when I miss one as I have had to work late, I have been doing a stairs session.

PT

This is amazing. I changed from going to the gym to getting a PT over a year ago now. I started doing just 2 x 30 minutes a week and I could immediately tell the difference between PT and going to the gym. Unless you're dedicated, motivated and educated in the different exercises you can and should do, I feel like the gym can be a bit of waste of time.

For example I would go to the gym 3x a week, work out for at least 45 minutes and just do cardio, bike riding mostly. Just because I thought that would be what burnt calories and what I was comfortable doing. I definitely wasn't comfortable doing weights or classes and I always tried to go to the gym at off peak times to avoid being seen by others. Yes I was afraid of being judged.

PT pushes me, it challenges me to do things with my body that I would never have thought of doing. It has shown me time and time again that I am capable of more than I thought I was. It makes me feel strong and healthy and I keep going back despite the pain haha. This means to me that this is right for me.

Starting this year I stared doing 2x 1 hour session after some pushing from my trainer. My trainer thought I wouldn't come back after my hour session! But I realised that I could do it and that I needed to constantly push myself to keep going and not plateau. This is where GX came in.

 

GX Boxing

GX is a form of high intensity boxing. Or rather exercising using boxing moves. So no fighting in the ring! We do several punch/kick combinations, each one 3 times and rotating with your partner. (You hit, they hit etc) The first time is to get used to the moves, the second is for strength (hit as hard as you can) and third for speed.

After your punches/kicks we always end with 2 minute knock out rounds. This is where my trainer (who runs these classes) chooses 3 exercises and we have to do each one for 2 minutes. This could be squats, lunges, burpees, push ups, planks, sit ups etc etc it changes constantly.

It is amazing and sweaty and makes you feel strong and powerful and even 6 months in I still feel it the next day.

Stairs

Stairs is something I have only recently started doing. Again from being pushed by my trainer. She runs a class on Thursday nights at the local stairs (30 steps approx). Usually we do something like 5 (up and down) stairs then push ups. 5 stairs, tricep dips, 5 stairs something else. Usually about 25-30 stairs before ending with an ab workout.

It is exhausting and I hate it. But it is a great work out and means that I can keep doing 4 sessions a week even if I miss one of my other classes.

The main thing I love about these work outs is that they challenge me. I never feel like something is getting too easy, because the work outs are always changing and getting harder.

I also love the mix of weights and cardio. I love weights and I hate cardio, but I know I need to do cardio as well. I feel like I am building muscle and losing fat and slowly cardio is getting easier for me. Easier not Easy!

Last night I tried on some pants that I kept from when I was at my smallest. I can now get them up over my thighs but I cannot do them up. Needless to say I had mixed feelings. Joy that I could get them up so far and am so close to being back to where I used to be and disappointment that I was so small and let myself go and am still not at that point anymore.

Ah well. I am probably healthier and stronger mentally and physically than I was anyway. Always look on the bright side!

Inspiration: What keeps me going.

There are often days that you just wonder why? Why am I still doing this? Why do I put myself through this for no reason?

Why should I have to watch what I eat? Why should I have to exercise and be sore and tired all the time? Why, why why..

The reality is we know why. Or I know why. Because I didn't take care of my body. I didn't look after it, respect it, give it what it needed and deserved and I ended up overweight and over 100kgs before I took stock of myself and where I was going.

I realised that I did NOT want to be an overweight mother who couldn't run after her kids or who died early from a heart attack. I did NOT want to be the fat friend who constantly missed out on things. I did NOT want to say no because I was ashamed of my body.

And to make that happen means hard work. All the time. It means a lifestyle change, it means never going back.

But there are some days when the doubt creeps in, those days when everything seems too much and you just want a break or give up and cave in to your cravings and indulgences.

On these days it's good to stop, take a breath and remember why you started this journey in the first place.

For me it's about the above. It's also about me fitting into clothes that I've never felt comfortable wearing before (figure hugging clothing, a bikini, sexy lingerie etc) . It's about becoming the person I want to be, the person I see in my head.

I found this really great quote on a postcard today: 

"I want to experience it all. At this very moment. Without hesitation."

Which I think sums it up pretty well what I want- without hesitation. I don't want to hesitate because of my weight or insecurities. And that's why I keep struggling, keep moving, keep exercising and eating well and moving forward. Because one day, I can say that is me.


This is an example of what I would love to look like and wear. Though with a little more curves ;)

Seeking balance and making new goals.

Lately I have been quite busy, with work and my social life, training and starting to date again.

It's left me feeling a bit scattered, unorganised and not in the right space mentally.

Thankfully for me starting this weekend I will get some down time and can finally relax and get myself on track.

A few things that have been happening lately:

I have started an online interior design course, which I just submitted my first assignment for and am now starting the second. It has been a few years since I studied and it's surprising how hard it is to get back into it, but I enjoy design and history, so I'm quite liking the course.

I am building a house. I am just finalising the home loan papers and then I have to start picking out my colours, ranges, tiles etc and all that. So that is going to be taking up some of my time and money. But it will be well worth it next year when I move into my own home.

I have started doing stairs with my trainer, this means that I am working out a minimum of 4 sessions a week, sometimes 5. It also gives me more variety and something else to try and improve. It is both disheartening and encouraging working out with women who are 10 years older than me and who are fitter and healthier than me. Thankfully they have also been on this journey a lot longer than me.

I have started dating again. Jesus, what was I thinking? It has been both nice and disappointing. Nice to know that there are genuinely nice guys out there and that I must have something going for me. Disappointing because I have yet to find anyone that I have a connection with. Plus there are some serious losers out there. Sad, but true.

I am slowly undergoing a make over. Longer more natural looking hair. Getting my nails done, and changing my style a bit. I want something a bit classier but still a little eccentric. I like my bows, buttons, patterns etc but time to tone it down a little. I want something more sleek and toned- kinda like the body I want!

I am trying to get my arse together and organise a few trips before I move into my house and have a mortgage. Hopefully go to Ireland, Canada and maybe Fiji or something. I want to do something because I know once I have a mortgage money and time will be hard to find and it will be at least a few years before I will be able to go travelling again!

Lastly, I have decided that when I move into my house I want to have a few of these things done. Like travel plans out of the way. Down to my goal weight (I really hope so!). Finish my interior design course. This is giving me some motivation to get things done- it's only a year away after all!

This year was/is for me and my personal life. Next year it will be about financial goals and getting some more experience/tools/training under my belt. Do some volunteering and work experience (interior design) and start looking at my career goals. That and I suspect I will be focusing a lot on DIY and craft things for my house. :D

As you can see a lot going on and a lot more to come. But I want to live life to the fullest so that means tackling things now, not later. Particularly as I want to have a family and who knows how that will affect my time and money.

Time for some photo's!

 Hi All. So I haven't blogging much recently, but its not like anyone follows this, so it's fine.

Anyway, last night a friend of mine posted some photo's up from over the last three years.. who know's where she has been storing them!

And I was amazed at the difference. Not just in style and in hair (in each photo I have different hair colour.. brown, blonde (reallly blonde) and to almost black.

But look at how much better my face looks in the top picture compared to this one! I have lost heaps of weight in my face now that I have cheek bones and lines and my double chin is decreasing.. YAY!

So I just wanted to share that I am still going, still plodding along, changing one meal at a time, still working out min of 3 times a week, sometimes 4-5. Starting new things, getting better clothes, feeling better and generally taking more care in my appearance and looks.

It's all coming together folks!

So to cap, the bottom photo is about 2-3 years ago now. The top photo is still about 6 months old.

This one is from the other night :)

Embarrasing boxing sessions!

So last night was my GX boxing class at 5.30pm. I put on a pear of exercise pants that I haven't worn in a little while and head out the door.

We start getting into our boxing session, doing a lot of kicks and knee exercises and I can feel my pants starting to fall down. The first time we take a break I take off my gloves and haul my pants back up.

But then we start going a bit harder and faster and before I know it my trainer has to step in and pull my pants up because they're half way down my arse.

Thank god a) it's an all female class and b) I was wearing good undies!! It could have been soooo much worse.

All I can say is that at least my work outs and eating have payed off!

I still need to work on my eating habits, as I've slipped up a few times, but I have cut back a lot of my processed foods lately and upped my fruit and veg intake instead. Still struggling with portion sizes with some days acing it and others not so much. But the days where I am doing better is getting more and more. It's hard in winter when all you want is comfort food and to snuggle in bed.

At the moment I'm concentrating on reducing my sweets/chocolate intake as for a while there I was  having a chocolate (fun size) almost every day. That's not something I want to maintain!

I want to keep it to maybe once or twice a week, mostly on weekends when I might enjoy sharing a dessert over dinner or a muffin with a friend over coffee.

At the moment I'm about 3 times a week. So a lot better to what I was but still not where I want to be!

Here is a recent photo of me with my friends from a weekend away :)

Facing your insecurities

Everyone has insecurities.

Talking with trainer last night and reading some of the blogs I follow this morning really made me think about my insecurities and how I am slowly overcoming them.

I've always been a bigger girl. Gaining weight in high school until I was about 105kgs. Then I went to Sweden for a year as an exchange student and lost 20kgs. I realised a lot about myself while I was over there. A lot about what was really underneath all the layers of fat and shields that I put up around myself.

Yes, shields. The biggest thing I have learnt is that I shield myself from so much because I'm scared of people's judgement and real thoughts about me. So I prevent myself from finding out. From going to the gym and being the only fat person there or being shut down by a guy I might like because he thinks I'm too fat. I have tried to cut myself off from the world.

Now losing weight again and becoming happier, more confident in myself and my strength and resilience means that I am slowly taking those shields down again.

I am trying new things, like burlesque classes. I am meeting new people. I say 'Sure, why not?'  rather than saying 'Are you kidding me?'.

There are still so many insecurities and I want to start addressing them.. starting here in this space where I pour out all the words in my head. So hear goes:

That I'm not strong enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not fast enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not patient enough.
I'm not graceful enough.
I'm not trying hard enough.
I don't deserve it.
I'm not a good enough friend.
I don't write enough.
I don't have enough faith.
I'm not funny enough.
I'm not elegant enough.
I'm not fashionable enough.
I'm don't cook from scratch enough. I'm not organic enough.
I don't 'play' enough.
I'm too scared to let my 'fun' side out in case people don't like me for it.
I'm too responsible.

The list goes on.. but I am slowly working through this. I am trying to set aside me time to address my issues so that I don't take it out on others and myself and derail myself on my weight loss journey.