I read a blog today where the author writes 10 things that she would like the confidence to do, a bucket list for confident activities.
It made me think about what makes us seem confident, and what we consider an activity that confident people do.
One of the items on the list was walking with eyes and head up right. Not downcast.
Now I am a confident person. I am confident in my abilities, my strengths, my weaknesses, I am confident that I know who I am and what I am capable of, and that it is not related to my body. Mostly. So for me, walking eyes up front is not something I would consider as being on my bucket list. I do it most days.
I think it also comes back to the philosophy of facing things head on- shoulders up, back straight and face your fears. I am the sort of person who realises my flaws and tries to work on them. To show that I am more than my fears and eventually overcomes them. For example; as an introvert, I hate crowds of random people and struggle to start a conversation. So one night I went out on the town by myself, went to a bar, sat down and tried to make a conversation with some randoms. It was a great night and it made me feel so much more confident in myself and my abilities.
Another lady mentioned that they wish they could wear a bikini in public. I actually did this in summer. Originally I had a t-shirt on over the top but it was annoying and baggy and was going to take my forever to get dry. So I was like you know what, I don't give a damn, and took it off. And swam and had a ball and even got a few glances from some males. No one glared or looked away disgusted. No one got up and left or looked me up and down as if to say 'you're wearing that?'. It was just another reminder to me, which is happening more and more, that for everyone person who bullies and bashes being chubby there are so many more who don't care. Who have family, friends, partners, colleagues who look like I do and all they really want is for you to be happy and get on with life.
It's heartening, encouraging and inspiring.
So what do I want the confidence to be able to do? I want the confidence to wear sexy clothing and not worry about my cellulite or stretchmarks or saggy belly (damn you weight loss!). I want the confidence to look someone in the eye and say 'Fuck you, I am beautiful too'. I want the confidence to be myself without having to worry about what people think, without worrying that I need to justify myself. I want the confidence to jog down the street and puff and pant and simply relish being able to run, not worry about the people will be looking at everything 'jiggling'.
Simple things, but important ones to me. So what does confidence mean to you?
Showing posts with label fat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fat. Show all posts
Thursday, 7 August 2014
Thursday, 20 February 2014
2014, My Year, My Way.
So I have been training for quite a while now, almost 2 years now. Yet I probably only shifted 15kgs and am still struggling with running the stairs on Thursday afternoons.
In comparisons one of the girls who started 6 months before me has lost 35kgs and is running loops around the rest of us.
The difference? Diet.
I have been touching on this again and again, my diet is my weakness. And it is costing me.
I keep thinking that if I trained hard enough I am doing enough to change my body. I keep thinking that I am tired and stressed and don't have the will power to stick with a strict diet.
I keep thinking that I can get away with still eating a block of chocolate or a bag of chips (every now and then).
Sure, my diet has been improving, I have cut out most junk food and bad foods. But I cave as soon as the going gets tough and still have a lot of things that probably aren't good for me.
Last night I was comparing myself and this other girl and realised that the only real difference is me. My inability, my weakness to let go of my old life and foods and to really change my lifestyle and nutrition.
It means putting more time and effort into my food choices. It will mean more grocery shopping and prepping and planning to stay on track. But in the end I wil be better for it and perhaps I can finally move on from the 99kg mark and get down to 80kgs (my goal).
The biggest thing I am concentrating on is not eating so much carbs. I am not cutting out carbs completely, but I think by reducing my bread (especially) in take, I will force myself to look to more nutritional sources of food to fill me up; such as beans, vegies or fruit.
I am going to create a reward sheet and track how many days I can stick to it, I just need to think of something really good to reward myself with so I can stick with it!
I will also start training more. So many of the girls try to fit in more workouts when they can, I need and can do that too. I just need to suck it up and realise that I am in this for the long haul and if I really wanted to be a size 12/14, then I would make the changes I needed to make.
If I really want to be healthy, if I really wanted to change, I will do this for myself.
Wish me luck!
In comparisons one of the girls who started 6 months before me has lost 35kgs and is running loops around the rest of us.
The difference? Diet.
I have been touching on this again and again, my diet is my weakness. And it is costing me.
I keep thinking that if I trained hard enough I am doing enough to change my body. I keep thinking that I am tired and stressed and don't have the will power to stick with a strict diet.
I keep thinking that I can get away with still eating a block of chocolate or a bag of chips (every now and then).
Sure, my diet has been improving, I have cut out most junk food and bad foods. But I cave as soon as the going gets tough and still have a lot of things that probably aren't good for me.
Last night I was comparing myself and this other girl and realised that the only real difference is me. My inability, my weakness to let go of my old life and foods and to really change my lifestyle and nutrition.
It means putting more time and effort into my food choices. It will mean more grocery shopping and prepping and planning to stay on track. But in the end I wil be better for it and perhaps I can finally move on from the 99kg mark and get down to 80kgs (my goal).
The biggest thing I am concentrating on is not eating so much carbs. I am not cutting out carbs completely, but I think by reducing my bread (especially) in take, I will force myself to look to more nutritional sources of food to fill me up; such as beans, vegies or fruit.
I am going to create a reward sheet and track how many days I can stick to it, I just need to think of something really good to reward myself with so I can stick with it!
I will also start training more. So many of the girls try to fit in more workouts when they can, I need and can do that too. I just need to suck it up and realise that I am in this for the long haul and if I really wanted to be a size 12/14, then I would make the changes I needed to make.
If I really want to be healthy, if I really wanted to change, I will do this for myself.
Wish me luck!
Monday, 27 January 2014
My relationship with food
For the longest time food has been a comfort, a friend, a delight. Something to turn to in despair, in happiness, in boredom, in loneliness and in creativeness.
It is because of this of course that I became overweight in the first place. Clearly this sort of relationship is not healthy. You should be able to to turn to friends and activities to help you with these emotions. Should being the key word in that sentence.
Slowly I have been working on changing how I view food. Trying to see it as nourishment- no more, no less.
Of course this has been easy on my good days, when I am happy and light and everything is right in the world. When I am stressed and tired, not so much.
Lately, however ,I have been sick quite a bit. While sick, every mouthful I have eaten has made me regret it later. It has caused me to feel rotten and gross and like my stomach has turned against me.
Because of this I have almost started to view food negatively. To view food as something necessary and not the comfort I have been used to.
I can't say for sure whether this is something permanent. It is only early days yet and my sickness is still fresh in my mind, who knows how I will feel in a month or two when this becomes a distant memory?
I am hoping it is something that sticks. I don't like the way I think of food. I do not like the way I turn to it when something goes wrong. It is this behaviour that could so easily derail me and make gain everything back if something was bad enough.
Let's hope it sticks.
It is because of this of course that I became overweight in the first place. Clearly this sort of relationship is not healthy. You should be able to to turn to friends and activities to help you with these emotions. Should being the key word in that sentence.
Slowly I have been working on changing how I view food. Trying to see it as nourishment- no more, no less.
Of course this has been easy on my good days, when I am happy and light and everything is right in the world. When I am stressed and tired, not so much.
Lately, however ,I have been sick quite a bit. While sick, every mouthful I have eaten has made me regret it later. It has caused me to feel rotten and gross and like my stomach has turned against me.
Because of this I have almost started to view food negatively. To view food as something necessary and not the comfort I have been used to.
I can't say for sure whether this is something permanent. It is only early days yet and my sickness is still fresh in my mind, who knows how I will feel in a month or two when this becomes a distant memory?
I am hoping it is something that sticks. I don't like the way I think of food. I do not like the way I turn to it when something goes wrong. It is this behaviour that could so easily derail me and make gain everything back if something was bad enough.
Let's hope it sticks.
Monday, 20 January 2014
Retreat
It's hard for me to face the world. All I want to do is block it all out and focus on my thoughts. To try and figure myself out before I deal with people and their comments and looks and judgement.
It doesn't matter whether the comments are said out loud. It's all in a look, a gesture, a raised eyebrow or a turning away. That disappointment. They are disappointed in me.
Recently I took the plunge and joined online dating. After about 2 months, I've deleted my profile. I just can't handle it. The talking, the getting to know someone, developing that connection and finally meeting them. Then disappointment.
They are nice, they are sweet, they still talk to me and we become friends. But I am not what they are looking for, I am not what they are expecting. I am a disappointment, a failure.
It doesn't matter whether that's realistic or not. Whether I am imagining things, or whether I am being over the top. It's the first thing that comes into my head and it's the feeling that has accompanied almost all my dates.
No more. I am sick of this feeling. Sick of failing or the looks. Of being heartsore and lonely.
Enough is enough.
Enough moping. So you haven't met someone? So what. That just means more time with your friends, more time with family, more time working on your dream body and exercising and embracing life.
So what if people look at you for being the 'single' friend. The loner. Screw them. Life is meant to be lived, not spent waiting around for someone to make you feel 'special'.
So right now, it may look like I am retreating from the world, from dating and men. Again. But this time I am retreating in order to regroup, refocus and channel my energy. On me. The one who actually needs it.
It doesn't matter whether the comments are said out loud. It's all in a look, a gesture, a raised eyebrow or a turning away. That disappointment. They are disappointed in me.
Recently I took the plunge and joined online dating. After about 2 months, I've deleted my profile. I just can't handle it. The talking, the getting to know someone, developing that connection and finally meeting them. Then disappointment.
They are nice, they are sweet, they still talk to me and we become friends. But I am not what they are looking for, I am not what they are expecting. I am a disappointment, a failure.
It doesn't matter whether that's realistic or not. Whether I am imagining things, or whether I am being over the top. It's the first thing that comes into my head and it's the feeling that has accompanied almost all my dates.
No more. I am sick of this feeling. Sick of failing or the looks. Of being heartsore and lonely.
Enough is enough.
Enough moping. So you haven't met someone? So what. That just means more time with your friends, more time with family, more time working on your dream body and exercising and embracing life.
So what if people look at you for being the 'single' friend. The loner. Screw them. Life is meant to be lived, not spent waiting around for someone to make you feel 'special'.
So right now, it may look like I am retreating from the world, from dating and men. Again. But this time I am retreating in order to regroup, refocus and channel my energy. On me. The one who actually needs it.
Thursday, 19 September 2013
Something that hurts
Something that always manages to hurt is other people's snide comments about what I eat. They seem to think that because they catch me eating a piece of chocolate or some hot chips that it gives them the right to criticise what I am doing.
They seem to think that just because I am not 100% sugar free, wheat free, dairy free etc etc that I don't eat healthy. That I am not doing 'enough'.
It makes me so angry and then it makes me sad.
Because every time I hear those comments I wonder why I don't push myself more, why I don't make those simply changes. Why I don't go harder, faster, longer...
It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. As if I'm the failure.
Despite going from not exercising at all to exercising 5 times a week.
From constantly snacking in my room after dinner to not snacking after dinner at all.
From barely touching fruit to eating fruit every morning, and feeling weird when I don't.
From skipping breakfast to eating cereal or wholegrain toast with boiled eggs every morning.
From shovelling fast food into me while in my car when I was hungry but too ashamed for anyone to see what I was eating.
From having fast food almost every week to less than once a month.
From drinking soft drink or juice every week to next to nothing.
From cutting back my meat consumption and increasing my fish and vegetables.
From going from someone who was about to go into a size 20 pants to someone who has to now go into a size 16. One size away from my goal.
From someone who was ashamed and disgusted with themselves and what their body looked like to someone who has finally rediscovered their confidence and joy in life. Who is HAPPY and who is HEALTHY and who is constantly improving.
Yes I am not 100% organic, sugar and wheat free. But my god I am a billion times better than what I was .
So SHUT THE F*** UP.
They seem to think that just because I am not 100% sugar free, wheat free, dairy free etc etc that I don't eat healthy. That I am not doing 'enough'.
It makes me so angry and then it makes me sad.
Because every time I hear those comments I wonder why I don't push myself more, why I don't make those simply changes. Why I don't go harder, faster, longer...
It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. As if I'm the failure.
Despite going from not exercising at all to exercising 5 times a week.
From constantly snacking in my room after dinner to not snacking after dinner at all.
From barely touching fruit to eating fruit every morning, and feeling weird when I don't.
From skipping breakfast to eating cereal or wholegrain toast with boiled eggs every morning.
From shovelling fast food into me while in my car when I was hungry but too ashamed for anyone to see what I was eating.
From having fast food almost every week to less than once a month.
From drinking soft drink or juice every week to next to nothing.
From cutting back my meat consumption and increasing my fish and vegetables.
From going from someone who was about to go into a size 20 pants to someone who has to now go into a size 16. One size away from my goal.
From someone who was ashamed and disgusted with themselves and what their body looked like to someone who has finally rediscovered their confidence and joy in life. Who is HAPPY and who is HEALTHY and who is constantly improving.
Yes I am not 100% organic, sugar and wheat free. But my god I am a billion times better than what I was .
So SHUT THE F*** UP.
Tuesday, 13 August 2013
Mixing it up and increasing my sessions: bring on the new me!
So I have swapped my workout routine around. Hopefully it should help me to fit more workouts in overall.
What did I change?
Well normally I work out 4-5 times a week between 5.30-6.30pm, this included 2 x PT sessions, 2x GX boxing sessions and an occasional stairs session.
But often what happens is something will come up at work or I'll be invited out by friends after work which often results in a) cancelling my session or b) missing out on being with friends.
Also recently I have started volunteering with my local shire to help with an October event and they meet at Wednesday's at 6.30 pm.
So to stop myself from the temptation of cancelling my sessions and so that I can enjoy some free time after work to meet friends and get those annoying chores out of the way I have swapped my 2 PT sessions from Mon + Wed @ 5.30pm to Tues and Thurs @ 6am.
For the first time I will be working out in the morning.. this is going to be interesting!
I feel good about it though because I am less likely to cancel in the morning and it doesn't change my routine too much at all. I already get up at 6, so now I just get up a little bit earlier for my workout and get to work later.
I eventually want to get into a routine of working out every morning, even if it is as little as a walk/jog around the block in the mornings. I'll start slow and will eventually build up to working out 8 times a week.. well that's the plan anyways!
Since starting doing stairs I have noticed a real improvement in my overall fitness. Things like jogging, walking, bending, mountain climbers etc are all a lot easier. I think it's do with the type of movement- they all consist of bending my knees and lifting my legs.
For me as a pear, my bottom half is the part that needs the most improvement, not that my top half is amazing but it's a size to two sizes smaller.. anyways because I have always carried so much weight there I have always felt uncomfortable running, jogging and generally moving that area. This of course just meant it got worse not better.
So now finally I am tackling this issue and challenging myself and my body!
Once again diet is being re tweaked. I really fell off the bandwagon last week after jumping on the scales and being hugely disappointed. This is why I don't weigh myself!!! Now that I am over my binge I'm back to being motivated to getting myself down to where I need to be.
While I love that I have changed shape and that people can see the difference, the scales are still not reflecting my commitment. And amongst other things I want the scales to say 70-75 kilos. I don't mind being higher than that if I feel like my body is in a good place, but I still think I should aim for a healthy BMI.
I had a taste of mixed martial arts last night and really enjoyed it. It was very different but really practical, in the sense that you could actually use the moves should you need to defend yourself. Something I find quite reassuring being a young female.
So let's see how the new work out routine goes and hopefully if all goes well I'll be adding in more flexible workouts- walks and jogs etc to the routine and maybe by the end of this year I might actually see some results on the scales as well.. one can only hope!
What did I change?
Well normally I work out 4-5 times a week between 5.30-6.30pm, this included 2 x PT sessions, 2x GX boxing sessions and an occasional stairs session.
But often what happens is something will come up at work or I'll be invited out by friends after work which often results in a) cancelling my session or b) missing out on being with friends.
Also recently I have started volunteering with my local shire to help with an October event and they meet at Wednesday's at 6.30 pm.
So to stop myself from the temptation of cancelling my sessions and so that I can enjoy some free time after work to meet friends and get those annoying chores out of the way I have swapped my 2 PT sessions from Mon + Wed @ 5.30pm to Tues and Thurs @ 6am.
For the first time I will be working out in the morning.. this is going to be interesting!
I feel good about it though because I am less likely to cancel in the morning and it doesn't change my routine too much at all. I already get up at 6, so now I just get up a little bit earlier for my workout and get to work later.
I eventually want to get into a routine of working out every morning, even if it is as little as a walk/jog around the block in the mornings. I'll start slow and will eventually build up to working out 8 times a week.. well that's the plan anyways!
Since starting doing stairs I have noticed a real improvement in my overall fitness. Things like jogging, walking, bending, mountain climbers etc are all a lot easier. I think it's do with the type of movement- they all consist of bending my knees and lifting my legs.
For me as a pear, my bottom half is the part that needs the most improvement, not that my top half is amazing but it's a size to two sizes smaller.. anyways because I have always carried so much weight there I have always felt uncomfortable running, jogging and generally moving that area. This of course just meant it got worse not better.
So now finally I am tackling this issue and challenging myself and my body!
Once again diet is being re tweaked. I really fell off the bandwagon last week after jumping on the scales and being hugely disappointed. This is why I don't weigh myself!!! Now that I am over my binge I'm back to being motivated to getting myself down to where I need to be.
While I love that I have changed shape and that people can see the difference, the scales are still not reflecting my commitment. And amongst other things I want the scales to say 70-75 kilos. I don't mind being higher than that if I feel like my body is in a good place, but I still think I should aim for a healthy BMI.
I had a taste of mixed martial arts last night and really enjoyed it. It was very different but really practical, in the sense that you could actually use the moves should you need to defend yourself. Something I find quite reassuring being a young female.
So let's see how the new work out routine goes and hopefully if all goes well I'll be adding in more flexible workouts- walks and jogs etc to the routine and maybe by the end of this year I might actually see some results on the scales as well.. one can only hope!
Monday, 24 June 2013
Facing your insecurities
Everyone has insecurities.
Talking with trainer last night and reading some of the blogs I follow this morning really made me think about my insecurities and how I am slowly overcoming them.
I've always been a bigger girl. Gaining weight in high school until I was about 105kgs. Then I went to Sweden for a year as an exchange student and lost 20kgs. I realised a lot about myself while I was over there. A lot about what was really underneath all the layers of fat and shields that I put up around myself.
Yes, shields. The biggest thing I have learnt is that I shield myself from so much because I'm scared of people's judgement and real thoughts about me. So I prevent myself from finding out. From going to the gym and being the only fat person there or being shut down by a guy I might like because he thinks I'm too fat. I have tried to cut myself off from the world.
Now losing weight again and becoming happier, more confident in myself and my strength and resilience means that I am slowly taking those shields down again.
I am trying new things, like burlesque classes. I am meeting new people. I say 'Sure, why not?' rather than saying 'Are you kidding me?'.
There are still so many insecurities and I want to start addressing them.. starting here in this space where I pour out all the words in my head. So hear goes:
That I'm not strong enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not fast enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not patient enough.
I'm not graceful enough.
I'm not trying hard enough.
I don't deserve it.
I'm not a good enough friend.
I don't write enough.
I don't have enough faith.
I'm not funny enough.
I'm not elegant enough.
I'm not fashionable enough.
I'm don't cook from scratch enough. I'm not organic enough.
I don't 'play' enough.
I'm too scared to let my 'fun' side out in case people don't like me for it.
I'm too responsible.
The list goes on.. but I am slowly working through this. I am trying to set aside me time to address my issues so that I don't take it out on others and myself and derail myself on my weight loss journey.
Talking with trainer last night and reading some of the blogs I follow this morning really made me think about my insecurities and how I am slowly overcoming them.
I've always been a bigger girl. Gaining weight in high school until I was about 105kgs. Then I went to Sweden for a year as an exchange student and lost 20kgs. I realised a lot about myself while I was over there. A lot about what was really underneath all the layers of fat and shields that I put up around myself.
Yes, shields. The biggest thing I have learnt is that I shield myself from so much because I'm scared of people's judgement and real thoughts about me. So I prevent myself from finding out. From going to the gym and being the only fat person there or being shut down by a guy I might like because he thinks I'm too fat. I have tried to cut myself off from the world.
Now losing weight again and becoming happier, more confident in myself and my strength and resilience means that I am slowly taking those shields down again.
I am trying new things, like burlesque classes. I am meeting new people. I say 'Sure, why not?' rather than saying 'Are you kidding me?'.
There are still so many insecurities and I want to start addressing them.. starting here in this space where I pour out all the words in my head. So hear goes:
That I'm not strong enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not fast enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not patient enough.
I'm not graceful enough.
I'm not trying hard enough.
I don't deserve it.
I'm not a good enough friend.
I don't write enough.
I don't have enough faith.
I'm not funny enough.
I'm not elegant enough.
I'm not fashionable enough.
I'm don't cook from scratch enough. I'm not organic enough.
I don't 'play' enough.
I'm too scared to let my 'fun' side out in case people don't like me for it.
I'm too responsible.
The list goes on.. but I am slowly working through this. I am trying to set aside me time to address my issues so that I don't take it out on others and myself and derail myself on my weight loss journey.
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Staying Positive, being strong and most of all be HAPPY!
The weight loss journey can be a long and trying one. There are lots of ups and downs, emotional and physical battles to be fought. It can be hard on you and everyone around you. It can affect your relationships and change your lifestyle to something completely new and unexpected.
It can also be really hard to stay positive. Especially when you are particularly stressed/emotional/sick/tired/injured and just plain unmotivated. It could be that you're not doing as well as you like, or someone in your life is doing "better" than you. It could be that you have something come up, at work or in your personal life, which demands all of your attention.
The important thing is to stay positive. To think of the good, not the bad. To think of the future not the past.
I am probably the biggest girl at training, including boxing. Not necessarily the most unfit (or at least not that far behind) but probably one of the biggest.
Yes, that can make me feel bad. Especially when we run as a group and I come last. I am not a good runner. I hate it.
When they talk about how much weight they have lost, it can make me have negative thoughts.
When they talk about how dedicated and motivated they are I often wonder why I bother. I am clearly not on their level.
When they talk about their next challenge, to run 10km, to bench press 20kgs, to hold a plank for 2 minutes etc I think, I'm not even close to doing half of that!
And yet, when they talk about their journey, they talk about the 5kgs to go. The stomach or the arms they hate. The loose skin that they despise. The friends they have lost because they didn't understand. The calories they have eaten that day. The workout they are going to do to make up for having a bite of a piece of cake or a glass of wine. (I am not saying that they shouldn't work it off, just pointing out obsessed they can be.)
Do they talk about how happy they are? How great they feel? How far they have come? NO.
Do they not understand that there are hundreds of thousands of women that have never achieved what they have, and would be happy with just that.
Listening to them talk makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. I am not pushing myself hard enough, that maybe I should just give up now because I will never be like them.
But then I think, I am happy. I am happy with where I am, who I am and what I am doing. I am committed to what I am doing, I am continually improving and getting better. But most importantly I am positive and happy in my life and it shows in my relationships and work.
I do not want to get to my goal weight and have it not be "enough". I am not one of those people that thinks that once I get to my goal weight everything will fall into place. It doesn't work like that. I know because I've been there before and I yet I gained weight and ended up at the beginning again!
I don't want to be miserable for the next 9 months and then once I've reached my goal suddenly be happy and want to go out with the friends I've ignored and might have lost because I've been focusing so much on me and weight loss.
Because it does take a long a lot of energy and time and effort to lose weight. BUT it is so much easier when you are happy. I have found that since accepting myself and leting myself be happy, committing myself is so much less effort. Yes I believed for far too long that because I was fat, I shouldn't be happy. I didn't deserve it.
It is so much more positive to be happy. It is less emotional guilt tripping and stressing because I have not reached a goal by a certain date. It is about being happy with the successes and continually improving so that there is only more to come. It is about enjoying myself, enjoying exercise and enjoying healthy food.
It is not about comparing myself to others. It is not about being disappointed in myself or thinking I am not good enough. I am good enough.
For everyone out there that is struggling: stay positive, be strong and be happy with your successes. Think of all those women out there who haven't even taken the first step to lose weight. Who might never have the chance to. Remember that there is always one person out there that will look at you and wish they were like you. Yes there is always at least one!
Fellow weight loss peeps will probably think that I am being unrealistic in my approach. That I am not being rational by not setting goals and reaching them, weighing myself on the scales every day and counting my calories every day. That I am too relaxed, that I am not disciplined enough.
Only time will tell right?
It can also be really hard to stay positive. Especially when you are particularly stressed/emotional/sick/tired/injured and just plain unmotivated. It could be that you're not doing as well as you like, or someone in your life is doing "better" than you. It could be that you have something come up, at work or in your personal life, which demands all of your attention.
The important thing is to stay positive. To think of the good, not the bad. To think of the future not the past.
I am probably the biggest girl at training, including boxing. Not necessarily the most unfit (or at least not that far behind) but probably one of the biggest.
Yes, that can make me feel bad. Especially when we run as a group and I come last. I am not a good runner. I hate it.
When they talk about how much weight they have lost, it can make me have negative thoughts.
When they talk about how dedicated and motivated they are I often wonder why I bother. I am clearly not on their level.
When they talk about their next challenge, to run 10km, to bench press 20kgs, to hold a plank for 2 minutes etc I think, I'm not even close to doing half of that!
And yet, when they talk about their journey, they talk about the 5kgs to go. The stomach or the arms they hate. The loose skin that they despise. The friends they have lost because they didn't understand. The calories they have eaten that day. The workout they are going to do to make up for having a bite of a piece of cake or a glass of wine. (I am not saying that they shouldn't work it off, just pointing out obsessed they can be.)
Do they talk about how happy they are? How great they feel? How far they have come? NO.
Do they not understand that there are hundreds of thousands of women that have never achieved what they have, and would be happy with just that.
Listening to them talk makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. I am not pushing myself hard enough, that maybe I should just give up now because I will never be like them.
But then I think, I am happy. I am happy with where I am, who I am and what I am doing. I am committed to what I am doing, I am continually improving and getting better. But most importantly I am positive and happy in my life and it shows in my relationships and work.
I do not want to get to my goal weight and have it not be "enough". I am not one of those people that thinks that once I get to my goal weight everything will fall into place. It doesn't work like that. I know because I've been there before and I yet I gained weight and ended up at the beginning again!
I don't want to be miserable for the next 9 months and then once I've reached my goal suddenly be happy and want to go out with the friends I've ignored and might have lost because I've been focusing so much on me and weight loss.
Because it does take a long a lot of energy and time and effort to lose weight. BUT it is so much easier when you are happy. I have found that since accepting myself and leting myself be happy, committing myself is so much less effort. Yes I believed for far too long that because I was fat, I shouldn't be happy. I didn't deserve it.
It is so much more positive to be happy. It is less emotional guilt tripping and stressing because I have not reached a goal by a certain date. It is about being happy with the successes and continually improving so that there is only more to come. It is about enjoying myself, enjoying exercise and enjoying healthy food.
It is not about comparing myself to others. It is not about being disappointed in myself or thinking I am not good enough. I am good enough.
For everyone out there that is struggling: stay positive, be strong and be happy with your successes. Think of all those women out there who haven't even taken the first step to lose weight. Who might never have the chance to. Remember that there is always one person out there that will look at you and wish they were like you. Yes there is always at least one!
Fellow weight loss peeps will probably think that I am being unrealistic in my approach. That I am not being rational by not setting goals and reaching them, weighing myself on the scales every day and counting my calories every day. That I am too relaxed, that I am not disciplined enough.
Only time will tell right?
Monday, 18 March 2013
Emotional Well-Being and Catching up with Friends
I was talking to a dear friend of mine on the weekend. We caught up on Saturday for movies and pizza, I ended up staying the night as I couldn't be bothered driving home at 12pm when I was tired. And then we went to a cafe near the ocean and had breakfast and after heading back to her place we chatted and before I knew it was 4pm!
(Then I had dash off and get home to get myself organised for the week ahead.)
So what has us talking for so long? Well besides family, life, friends, boys and all the usual things that come along, there was also weight loss and emotional well being.
Something that I have been accepting more and more is that I am happy. I am proud of myself, I am happy with the decisions I have been making, I am happy with my exercise and I am happy at where I am in life.
Partly this is to do with my weight loss so far, which while I do not weigh myself, it has become more and more obvious I am losing weight through my clothes and shape.
My happiness with myself is being reflected in my confidence and appearance and also my decisions and how I am with friends with family. Everything else just seems to be so much better. Decisions that might have made me depressed or upset or got me down a year a go are just so much easier to handle, they are just a bump in the road.
It is amazing how everything is interlinked. You look good, you feel good, so you are happy and this affects how you deal with things.
It also goes the other way.
Sadly, my friend is in a similar position to where I was when I first started this journey. She is unhappy, she is depressed, she feels guilty and hates herself for the decisions she makes that mean that she is gaining weight not losing weight, which just makes her more unhappy and everything else in life is just that bit harder and more stressful.
It's exactly how I felt when I first started. It took me a long time of thinking about how hard and long and how I don't have enough time to do anything else etc before I realised I needed to stop thinking and start doing. That meant I started going to the gym, and when the gym didn't work and I realised I needed something more, I started PT. Best decision I ever made.
So we talked about my journey, how hard it has been and how far I have come and how much it has been worth it. But most of all I made sure she didn't feel judged for how she is and how she is coping. I made her think about little things she could be doing and told her I still make mistakes today. That one day she will just have enough and start making the right steps.
I made sure she knew she could talk to me, that I would understand and not make her feel like a "lazy fat person who obviously doesn't try hard enough" because that's what we all have in the back of heads anyways, that that's what all those "skinny" people think of us. (Whether that is true or not is irrelevant, it's what we think.)
The reality is weight loss is not just about controlled intake and exercise = weight loss. It's about all the emotions and pain that got us there in the first place. And if you don't fix that then you will never maintain your loss once you get there, because you never really understood how you got to be so big in the first place and will make all those mistakes all over again.
I hope that if you have a friend out there that needs help and guidance that you will make them feel loved and understood and not mock them for their weight battles, because we are often our own worst judge and enemy and need support from our loved ones more than anything to help us take the first steps.
(Then I had dash off and get home to get myself organised for the week ahead.)
So what has us talking for so long? Well besides family, life, friends, boys and all the usual things that come along, there was also weight loss and emotional well being.
Something that I have been accepting more and more is that I am happy. I am proud of myself, I am happy with the decisions I have been making, I am happy with my exercise and I am happy at where I am in life.
Partly this is to do with my weight loss so far, which while I do not weigh myself, it has become more and more obvious I am losing weight through my clothes and shape.
My happiness with myself is being reflected in my confidence and appearance and also my decisions and how I am with friends with family. Everything else just seems to be so much better. Decisions that might have made me depressed or upset or got me down a year a go are just so much easier to handle, they are just a bump in the road.
It is amazing how everything is interlinked. You look good, you feel good, so you are happy and this affects how you deal with things.
It also goes the other way.
Sadly, my friend is in a similar position to where I was when I first started this journey. She is unhappy, she is depressed, she feels guilty and hates herself for the decisions she makes that mean that she is gaining weight not losing weight, which just makes her more unhappy and everything else in life is just that bit harder and more stressful.
It's exactly how I felt when I first started. It took me a long time of thinking about how hard and long and how I don't have enough time to do anything else etc before I realised I needed to stop thinking and start doing. That meant I started going to the gym, and when the gym didn't work and I realised I needed something more, I started PT. Best decision I ever made.
So we talked about my journey, how hard it has been and how far I have come and how much it has been worth it. But most of all I made sure she didn't feel judged for how she is and how she is coping. I made her think about little things she could be doing and told her I still make mistakes today. That one day she will just have enough and start making the right steps.
I made sure she knew she could talk to me, that I would understand and not make her feel like a "lazy fat person who obviously doesn't try hard enough" because that's what we all have in the back of heads anyways, that that's what all those "skinny" people think of us. (Whether that is true or not is irrelevant, it's what we think.)
The reality is weight loss is not just about controlled intake and exercise = weight loss. It's about all the emotions and pain that got us there in the first place. And if you don't fix that then you will never maintain your loss once you get there, because you never really understood how you got to be so big in the first place and will make all those mistakes all over again.
I hope that if you have a friend out there that needs help and guidance that you will make them feel loved and understood and not mock them for their weight battles, because we are often our own worst judge and enemy and need support from our loved ones more than anything to help us take the first steps.
Monday, 11 March 2013
The difference between fat and fit..
The difference between the fat and the fit.. is more than just the waistline! It is about motivation, commitment and the belief that you can do something.
My biggest problem when I train is that I am so used to not being able to do something, that I still have that mentality, even when it is no longer true.
The biggest difference between someone who is fit and someone who is fat, is that they know what they are capable of, and believe that they can do something. So they are able to push themselves harder and further than someone who is not fit. And in turn, stay fit.
Last night I pushed myself. I pushed myself hard, and it was worth it.
I was given 3 rounds of 5 exercise to complete as fast I can. My trainer had done it earlier in 19 min, one of her clients had done it in 42 min. I was told I had to beat the clients time.
The exercises were:
10 x push up then bring your knee up as close to your arm/shoulder as possible, try and touch the ground near your knee with your elbow then stretch up and behind you. Repeat on the other leg.
20 x kneeling with 8kg weight, hold it to one side, bring the weight round and above your head in a tight controlled circle before resting on the side opposite the one you started on. Repeat by alternating which direction you take the weight.
20x backwards lunges with the 8kg weight held at your centre. When in your lunge, make a controlled turn from the waist with the weight. If you right leg is down, the turn to your left and vice versa.
20 x in the plank position, bring your knee straight up above the ground, then twist out to the side. Replace on the ground and repeat on the other side.
30x on a wobble board (but with the flat side down, so you are standing on the soft side) stand with one leg on the board and one off. Now jump to the other side, landing so that your inner leg is now on the board. Touch the ground near your outer leg with your inner arm.
I did it in 24min!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can't believe how happy I was. Not only had I thrashed the time I had to beat but I came close to my trainers as well!!
I finished the session off with 1000m on the rower plus a couple ab exercises before cooling down on the treadmill.
I almost died at the end, but I feel fantastic now. So worth it!
My biggest problem when I train is that I am so used to not being able to do something, that I still have that mentality, even when it is no longer true.
The biggest difference between someone who is fit and someone who is fat, is that they know what they are capable of, and believe that they can do something. So they are able to push themselves harder and further than someone who is not fit. And in turn, stay fit.
Last night I pushed myself. I pushed myself hard, and it was worth it.
I was given 3 rounds of 5 exercise to complete as fast I can. My trainer had done it earlier in 19 min, one of her clients had done it in 42 min. I was told I had to beat the clients time.
The exercises were:
10 x push up then bring your knee up as close to your arm/shoulder as possible, try and touch the ground near your knee with your elbow then stretch up and behind you. Repeat on the other leg.
20 x kneeling with 8kg weight, hold it to one side, bring the weight round and above your head in a tight controlled circle before resting on the side opposite the one you started on. Repeat by alternating which direction you take the weight.
20x backwards lunges with the 8kg weight held at your centre. When in your lunge, make a controlled turn from the waist with the weight. If you right leg is down, the turn to your left and vice versa.
20 x in the plank position, bring your knee straight up above the ground, then twist out to the side. Replace on the ground and repeat on the other side.
30x on a wobble board (but with the flat side down, so you are standing on the soft side) stand with one leg on the board and one off. Now jump to the other side, landing so that your inner leg is now on the board. Touch the ground near your outer leg with your inner arm.
I did it in 24min!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can't believe how happy I was. Not only had I thrashed the time I had to beat but I came close to my trainers as well!!
I finished the session off with 1000m on the rower plus a couple ab exercises before cooling down on the treadmill.
I almost died at the end, but I feel fantastic now. So worth it!
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
Society Shift
I was reading one of the blogs I follow -Fit to Finish. Diane had written about Fat Acceptance on her blog which raises a controversial topic and one that is heavily talked about within "fat" circles. I have touched on this subject before, but reading it again in Diane's blog made me want to post about it again.
As someone who is overweight and not obese, I do not think my weight has affected me too much, but it HAS affected me and some of my choices in life. Sometimes more because I thought I was fat and shouldn't do something than because I actually physically couldn't do it. I can only imagine how that must feel for someone bigger than what I am.
Recently, I have made myself shift my way of thinking, forcing myself to stop thinking I can't do something, just because I think I shouldn't. But I get off topic.
I believe that people should be accepted for who they are, but that fundamentally as a society we need to shift towards a healthier way of living.
In my generation (Gen-Y) eating fast food, binge drinking, not being able to cook from scratch, energy drinks. Xbox, play stations, TV, iPad, iPhones and tablets are all things we have grown up with and simply what is done. Many people and younger do not know any other way of living. It is affecting our waist line.
So what do we do?
Like any other generation, we resent the comments "Back in my day.. " It is not your day, it is ours and things are very very different. Society has taken a fundamental shift from having to make do with what is in the cupboard, from simply being able to survive- to having excess. To have that feeling of affluence, of having things in our cupboard and going "you know what, I don't feel like that I am going to have this, this and this"
So we create these movements trying to force others to see it OUR way. Believing like every generation before us that WE are the ones that are RIGHT and know better. After all they didn't grow up with all this did they? We think we deserve this. We think that we work hard and deserve to reward ourselves with whatever we want.
But this not right. As anyone who wants to be healthy knows, what you want and what is good for you are two very different things. You want candy, but what good is that going to be for your body? Your body does not need sugar to function.
As a society we need to educate our young people to what is needed and what is not. That exercise is a NECESSITY not a choice. That HEALTH is important and cannot be compromised.
We need to teach children about growing, planting and eating from the garden. How to use those foods in cooking. How they benefit your body. How just like smoking, energy drinks are going to ruin their body. So too is being overweight and obesity. If not now, then in 20 years time as they start to slow down and stress, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and aches and pains start to kick in.
Already struggling to get pregnant, polysystic ovary syndrome and diabetes are kicking in for some of my friends who are overweight. They are only in their early 20's!!
If we as a society do not change, do not decide as a majority that we need to do something now I can only imagine what our future is going to be like.
As someone who is overweight and not obese, I do not think my weight has affected me too much, but it HAS affected me and some of my choices in life. Sometimes more because I thought I was fat and shouldn't do something than because I actually physically couldn't do it. I can only imagine how that must feel for someone bigger than what I am.
Recently, I have made myself shift my way of thinking, forcing myself to stop thinking I can't do something, just because I think I shouldn't. But I get off topic.
I believe that people should be accepted for who they are, but that fundamentally as a society we need to shift towards a healthier way of living.
In my generation (Gen-Y) eating fast food, binge drinking, not being able to cook from scratch, energy drinks. Xbox, play stations, TV, iPad, iPhones and tablets are all things we have grown up with and simply what is done. Many people and younger do not know any other way of living. It is affecting our waist line.
So what do we do?
Like any other generation, we resent the comments "Back in my day.. " It is not your day, it is ours and things are very very different. Society has taken a fundamental shift from having to make do with what is in the cupboard, from simply being able to survive- to having excess. To have that feeling of affluence, of having things in our cupboard and going "you know what, I don't feel like that I am going to have this, this and this"
So we create these movements trying to force others to see it OUR way. Believing like every generation before us that WE are the ones that are RIGHT and know better. After all they didn't grow up with all this did they? We think we deserve this. We think that we work hard and deserve to reward ourselves with whatever we want.
But this not right. As anyone who wants to be healthy knows, what you want and what is good for you are two very different things. You want candy, but what good is that going to be for your body? Your body does not need sugar to function.
As a society we need to educate our young people to what is needed and what is not. That exercise is a NECESSITY not a choice. That HEALTH is important and cannot be compromised.
We need to teach children about growing, planting and eating from the garden. How to use those foods in cooking. How they benefit your body. How just like smoking, energy drinks are going to ruin their body. So too is being overweight and obesity. If not now, then in 20 years time as they start to slow down and stress, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and aches and pains start to kick in.
Already struggling to get pregnant, polysystic ovary syndrome and diabetes are kicking in for some of my friends who are overweight. They are only in their early 20's!!
If we as a society do not change, do not decide as a majority that we need to do something now I can only imagine what our future is going to be like.
Thursday, 6 September 2012
Friends, revelations, barriers and coffee.
I caught up with one of my close friends last night over a coffee. One of the things that I love about her is that we can not see each other for 6 months and still feel like it was yesterday that we caught up. That and we always have something to talk about.
One of the things that comes up a lot in our conversations is weight loss and healthy living. Both of us have struggled with our weight quite a lot and are still struggling with it now and whenever we catch up we talk about our highs and lows, what we've learnt and where we are going with it now.
As we were talking about weight loss and our recent struggles we brought up how we feel like we understand each other, we've been through similar things and are on similar paths.
Not so with another of my close "bigger girl" friends. You would think seeing as I've known this girl for almost 10 years now, that we have hung out, we have the same friends, we both struggle with our weight and health etc that I would be able to talk as easily as I do with my other coffee friend.
But instead she has this huge barrier up around her that prevents me from talking about weight and health and struggles with her, and that is that she is happy with who she is and how big she is.
How can you talk to someone with how they are struggling to lose weight when they constantly tell you they are happy with who they are and what size they are? That they like their lifestyle and the way they live even when they are now struggling with the health problems associated with being obese.
I love both my friends dearly and I wish I could have more open conversations with both of them, not just the one, as I want all my friends and loved ones to live a happy and healthy lifestyle.
Talking about it with my coffee friend made me realise that is a barrier, a smoke screen, that she is putting up to hide her own feelings and that I need to push past that. If there's anyone who can relate to her in our group of friends, it's me, and I need to make sure I'm there for her when she does need to talk or vent or make those first few steps.
That to be a true friend I need to reach out to her and offer the support that she needs to get through this.
On a side not, I made a few revelations while talking to my coffee friend and I would like to share them, so here goes:
One of the things that comes up a lot in our conversations is weight loss and healthy living. Both of us have struggled with our weight quite a lot and are still struggling with it now and whenever we catch up we talk about our highs and lows, what we've learnt and where we are going with it now.
As we were talking about weight loss and our recent struggles we brought up how we feel like we understand each other, we've been through similar things and are on similar paths.
Not so with another of my close "bigger girl" friends. You would think seeing as I've known this girl for almost 10 years now, that we have hung out, we have the same friends, we both struggle with our weight and health etc that I would be able to talk as easily as I do with my other coffee friend.
But instead she has this huge barrier up around her that prevents me from talking about weight and health and struggles with her, and that is that she is happy with who she is and how big she is.
How can you talk to someone with how they are struggling to lose weight when they constantly tell you they are happy with who they are and what size they are? That they like their lifestyle and the way they live even when they are now struggling with the health problems associated with being obese.
I love both my friends dearly and I wish I could have more open conversations with both of them, not just the one, as I want all my friends and loved ones to live a happy and healthy lifestyle.
Talking about it with my coffee friend made me realise that is a barrier, a smoke screen, that she is putting up to hide her own feelings and that I need to push past that. If there's anyone who can relate to her in our group of friends, it's me, and I need to make sure I'm there for her when she does need to talk or vent or make those first few steps.
That to be a true friend I need to reach out to her and offer the support that she needs to get through this.
On a side not, I made a few revelations while talking to my coffee friend and I would like to share them, so here goes:
- You would think losing weight the second time would be easier, but it's not! Instead you now know the fear of failing and this has been holding me back.
- My fear of relationships stems from my unreal expectations of " when I get skinny I will find THE one" but in the back of my head I'm saying " he only wants you because you're skinny, not because you're you".
- I need to realise ME is ME no matter what size I am.
- The number on the scales isn't the be all or the end all. If I have a flat tummy and fit into the size I want I will be happy with who I am.
- Smaller fitness goals helps me to motivate myself and keep myself on track.
- If I start my day right I will usually end my day right.
- I need to do this for me, not "when I come back I will show them/him/her what I can do." Because once you reach that goal, where do you go from there?
- I will be "fit and healthy" is too generalised. I need to focus on what EXACTLY I want out of life and how I want to live and then make goals to achieve this.
Monday, 3 September 2012
Fat v's Skinny: a Fashionable Debate
There has been a lot of controversy here in Aus lately about "Fat Fashion bloggers" and the increasing acceptance of overweight and obese women as beautiful. The debate comes down to those that are "Fat" and "Fashionable" debating that being fat does not affect their ability to be beautiful and/or fashionable and if they do not have a problem with it then nobody else should.
On the other side there are those that believe that they are promoting obesity and being overweight as normal and healthy and this can lead to an increase in weight for women and consequently health issues.
There are also those that believe that being Fat does not mean you can be beautiful, healthy or fashionable. That you have to be a certain size/shape to be beautiful.
As a bigger girl, I have a healthy interest in this debate. As a woman I believe that everyone has the right to look and feel beautiful and fashionable. If you can do that at any size, good for you. I also believe that it is wrong to discriminate against someone just because of their size. What size you are is your personal choice and it is wrong for others to say that because you are a size 20 (for example) then you cannot have a fashionable wardrobe or wear clothes of a certain shape.
I do not agree however that being fat is healthy and should be encouraged. I do not want to see our children and our children's children to become obese at a young age and never know that it is unhealthy. To have them grow up with health issues and never experience a happy healthy life.
I also think that there are many different sizes of "healthy" and that the current fashion industry is only just recognising this. Many "plus" sized models are size 12 and 14!! That is a healthy weight and size and is the average size of Australian women.
I personally would be a happy if I fitted comfortably between the size 12-14 Australian sizes. I do not think of my being size 16 as unhealthy, but I know that I have fat and am not the healthiest I could be. I do not want to encourage others to become like me, because that could lead them to be worse than me. I exercise and I eat well and I know that many people would not see that when they look at me.
I also think that I can be beautiful and fashionable even if I do have fat. This is a picture of me when I was at my lowest. I was still a size 16 and overweight. But I love this picture and I think it is beautiful.
Do you believe that you can be a beautiful and fashionable as a bigger woman? Do you want to encourage obesity and being overweight as healthy? Or would you rather that there was more acceptance of a broader range of shapes and sizes?
As long as we are healthy I think all shapes and sizes should be accepted.
On the other side there are those that believe that they are promoting obesity and being overweight as normal and healthy and this can lead to an increase in weight for women and consequently health issues.
There are also those that believe that being Fat does not mean you can be beautiful, healthy or fashionable. That you have to be a certain size/shape to be beautiful.
As a bigger girl, I have a healthy interest in this debate. As a woman I believe that everyone has the right to look and feel beautiful and fashionable. If you can do that at any size, good for you. I also believe that it is wrong to discriminate against someone just because of their size. What size you are is your personal choice and it is wrong for others to say that because you are a size 20 (for example) then you cannot have a fashionable wardrobe or wear clothes of a certain shape.
I do not agree however that being fat is healthy and should be encouraged. I do not want to see our children and our children's children to become obese at a young age and never know that it is unhealthy. To have them grow up with health issues and never experience a happy healthy life.
I also think that there are many different sizes of "healthy" and that the current fashion industry is only just recognising this. Many "plus" sized models are size 12 and 14!! That is a healthy weight and size and is the average size of Australian women.
I personally would be a happy if I fitted comfortably between the size 12-14 Australian sizes. I do not think of my being size 16 as unhealthy, but I know that I have fat and am not the healthiest I could be. I do not want to encourage others to become like me, because that could lead them to be worse than me. I exercise and I eat well and I know that many people would not see that when they look at me.
I also think that I can be beautiful and fashionable even if I do have fat. This is a picture of me when I was at my lowest. I was still a size 16 and overweight. But I love this picture and I think it is beautiful.
Do you believe that you can be a beautiful and fashionable as a bigger woman? Do you want to encourage obesity and being overweight as healthy? Or would you rather that there was more acceptance of a broader range of shapes and sizes?
As long as we are healthy I think all shapes and sizes should be accepted.
Monday, 27 August 2012
Self Harm and Foods
There are many ways of hurting yourself, and mine was chocolate.
Now this might not sound like I'm doing myself any harm, and was actually rewarding myself, but I wasn't.
You see I get sick from eating rich foods, so cream, chocolate cake, chocolate, anything really rich, and generally sweet and not long after eating some, I would be gagging and trying to bring it up (and not by choice.)
When I was particularly down and unhappy with myself, hating myself for my eating choices, the way I looked, what I was doing to myself and generally having a pity party, I would have to have chocolate.
Except instead of stopping at a couple of pieces I would the entire block until I was physically sick.
And my reasoning for my behaviour? I deserved it. I deserved to be sick for the way I treated myself, for eating the way I did. For being fat, for giving in to temptation, for not being better, stronger, healthier etc etc
Thinking about it now, I realise of course that it was not reasonable, it was not sensible, and it certainly didn't help me and my weight. But of course, like many things, you only see that when you look back.
I still struggle with that today. I still struggle not to punish myself unnecessarily for giving in to temptation, for falling of the band wagon, for having something I shouldn't, or for not reaching my goals in time, for not pushing myself harder, faster, better.
For not being better, stronger, healthier.
And I think a lot of that comes down to my own self perception, and letting go of constantly wanting to be perfect and meet these unrealistic expectations. To try and stop thinking about how people might be judging me for eating chocolate or having an extra slice of pie, when they don't know who I am, what I am trying to do, how hard I have been working.
I feel like when I read blogs about weight loss and they meet success after success and have lost amazing amounts of weight that I have even more pressure to meet those standards.
But then I take a step back, and think, is that really realistic? Is that sustainable? Are they going to be able to maintain that progress in the long term, or are they going to burn up? Or are they simply in a better place, more supported, more motivated than me?
Who am I to say. All I know is that at the moment my own worst enemy is myself. I am the one that puts the pressure on, that says yes or no to that extra slice, that puts in the effort at the training sessions. Or not.
I feel like I need to start taking more responsibility for my actions, and to stop punishing myself for not achieving everything the first time.
Now this might not sound like I'm doing myself any harm, and was actually rewarding myself, but I wasn't.
You see I get sick from eating rich foods, so cream, chocolate cake, chocolate, anything really rich, and generally sweet and not long after eating some, I would be gagging and trying to bring it up (and not by choice.)
When I was particularly down and unhappy with myself, hating myself for my eating choices, the way I looked, what I was doing to myself and generally having a pity party, I would have to have chocolate.
Except instead of stopping at a couple of pieces I would the entire block until I was physically sick.
And my reasoning for my behaviour? I deserved it. I deserved to be sick for the way I treated myself, for eating the way I did. For being fat, for giving in to temptation, for not being better, stronger, healthier etc etc
Thinking about it now, I realise of course that it was not reasonable, it was not sensible, and it certainly didn't help me and my weight. But of course, like many things, you only see that when you look back.
I still struggle with that today. I still struggle not to punish myself unnecessarily for giving in to temptation, for falling of the band wagon, for having something I shouldn't, or for not reaching my goals in time, for not pushing myself harder, faster, better.
For not being better, stronger, healthier.
And I think a lot of that comes down to my own self perception, and letting go of constantly wanting to be perfect and meet these unrealistic expectations. To try and stop thinking about how people might be judging me for eating chocolate or having an extra slice of pie, when they don't know who I am, what I am trying to do, how hard I have been working.
I feel like when I read blogs about weight loss and they meet success after success and have lost amazing amounts of weight that I have even more pressure to meet those standards.
But then I take a step back, and think, is that really realistic? Is that sustainable? Are they going to be able to maintain that progress in the long term, or are they going to burn up? Or are they simply in a better place, more supported, more motivated than me?
Who am I to say. All I know is that at the moment my own worst enemy is myself. I am the one that puts the pressure on, that says yes or no to that extra slice, that puts in the effort at the training sessions. Or not.
I feel like I need to start taking more responsibility for my actions, and to stop punishing myself for not achieving everything the first time.
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Do I fall into that "fat" stereotype anymore?
So after enjoying a nice long weekend, where I went hot ballooning with my mum and then pretty much crashed most of the rest of the weekend. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was sleep. Which to me tells me I really needed the sleep as normally I am one of those people that can just go, go, go.
Anyways as I was laying around the house on Friday afternoon, all I could think about was how it irked me that if I told someone about my weekend all they would think was that I was being a typical "fat" person and being lazy.
Now I know there is no "typical" "fat" person or behaviours, everyone is different and often came to be fat/overweight from different reasons, whether it be medical, physical, emotional or behavioural.
But as I was thinking about this, I tried to summarise how I lived, and whether it would fall into that stereotypical category. Because for some reason I really didn't wanted to be associated with that lifestyle anymore.
So here are a few things which I believe are associated with being fat:
I don't drink most of the time. Usually on social/special occasions such as birthdays etc Usually only a glass. (Unless I am being particularly peer pressured.)
I don't smoke.
I don't go through fast food restaurants unless it's 2 am in the morning after being out with friends and I am the DD. Honestly though we're getting a bit old for that, and I can't even remember the last time I did it!
I have my personal training twice a week, and then I also do a large amount of exercise through my job, which is to set up events- so lifting, packing, walking up and down stairs and walking around show grounds etc
If I don't have an event on I try to do something on the weekend, usually taking the dog for a walk, my favourite place is about 15 minutes from where I live and is a national park which has some great trails up and through the bush and hills, so it's not too easy!
This coming weekend I am participating in my 3rd walk for charity event.
Serving sizes is still something I struggle with, mostly because when you live at home, or go out for tea, people are plating up for you, and they tend to be quite large. However I have started to notice that I can leave things on my plate once I am full. This goes against everything I grew up with, but I know I don't need it and now I don't want it either.
Television. TV is a funny one for me. I love movies, I love T.V series. But I hate TV. I can't stand the advertisements and shitty television shows. And somewhere in the past year I have realised that there is no point in wasting my time watching T.V. Sure there will be times that I will sit down with the family and watch a particular show. But mostly I will wait until it comes out on DVD and then watch the DVD. Half the time and double the pleasure of watching it without the ads.
Mostly though I read. To me reading is becoming increasingly rare and outdated and that saddens me. I have read and loved reading for most of my life, and despite most of my job being increasingly online, I hate the idea of reading a book on a e-reader/kindle. Where is the enjoyment in that?
So now looking at that, looking at how I live, and feel and the things I do, and what I personally associate with being a "fat" lifestyle. Can I honestly say that I fall into that category anymore? Can I blame my lifestyle for my weight? The answer is no. Which only proves just how far I have come.
Anyways as I was laying around the house on Friday afternoon, all I could think about was how it irked me that if I told someone about my weekend all they would think was that I was being a typical "fat" person and being lazy.
Now I know there is no "typical" "fat" person or behaviours, everyone is different and often came to be fat/overweight from different reasons, whether it be medical, physical, emotional or behavioural.
But as I was thinking about this, I tried to summarise how I lived, and whether it would fall into that stereotypical category. Because for some reason I really didn't wanted to be associated with that lifestyle anymore.
So here are a few things which I believe are associated with being fat:
- Watching T.V. - of course everyone does it, but for some reason fat people are associated with it.
- Fast Food.- Going through HJ's/ Macca's. I know this is completely unfair but these are the sort of images that come to mind.
- Large servings
- Lack of exercise
- Anti Social behaviours
- Smoking/drinking excessively.
- Snacking-sneakily. This in particulary was a bad behaviour of mine. If noone saw me do it, it was ok.
I don't drink most of the time. Usually on social/special occasions such as birthdays etc Usually only a glass. (Unless I am being particularly peer pressured.)
I don't smoke.
I don't go through fast food restaurants unless it's 2 am in the morning after being out with friends and I am the DD. Honestly though we're getting a bit old for that, and I can't even remember the last time I did it!
I have my personal training twice a week, and then I also do a large amount of exercise through my job, which is to set up events- so lifting, packing, walking up and down stairs and walking around show grounds etc
If I don't have an event on I try to do something on the weekend, usually taking the dog for a walk, my favourite place is about 15 minutes from where I live and is a national park which has some great trails up and through the bush and hills, so it's not too easy!
This coming weekend I am participating in my 3rd walk for charity event.
Serving sizes is still something I struggle with, mostly because when you live at home, or go out for tea, people are plating up for you, and they tend to be quite large. However I have started to notice that I can leave things on my plate once I am full. This goes against everything I grew up with, but I know I don't need it and now I don't want it either.
Television. TV is a funny one for me. I love movies, I love T.V series. But I hate TV. I can't stand the advertisements and shitty television shows. And somewhere in the past year I have realised that there is no point in wasting my time watching T.V. Sure there will be times that I will sit down with the family and watch a particular show. But mostly I will wait until it comes out on DVD and then watch the DVD. Half the time and double the pleasure of watching it without the ads.
Mostly though I read. To me reading is becoming increasingly rare and outdated and that saddens me. I have read and loved reading for most of my life, and despite most of my job being increasingly online, I hate the idea of reading a book on a e-reader/kindle. Where is the enjoyment in that?
So now looking at that, looking at how I live, and feel and the things I do, and what I personally associate with being a "fat" lifestyle. Can I honestly say that I fall into that category anymore? Can I blame my lifestyle for my weight? The answer is no. Which only proves just how far I have come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)