The experimentation with food we call a diet.

Every one of us that is losing weight has to look at the food we eat at some time or another. Whether it be as a meal plan, simply eating better and not undoing the hard work, removing sugar, carbs, protein, counting calories or having shakes or meals delivered.

Every one of us is experimenting with the food we eat to find the best solution for us, whether it be to be healthier or to lose weight, or for medical reasons such as high cholesterol or blood sugar.

My approach to begin with was a food diary, which helped me to open my eyes to when I was eating and what I was turning too when I didn't eat right. This helped me to realise I had to have three meals a day with two snacks. Otherwise I would end up at 3pm or 8pm searching the cupboards for that chocolate or cookie.

After doing the food diary for almost 4 months I thought I would give it a go by myself. It started well but it also happened around a time when, if I am honest, I just didn't have the energy, time or motivation to keep it up myself.

Then having enough of this I got into personal training. PT has changed my life. Not only do I enjoy exercising- who would have thought?? but it has put me back on track and now that I am noticing results and feeling good I feel I need to make better food choices to keep that work going.

Now this happened about a month ago, and going back to what I learnt from my food diary I have been trying to have three meals a day and two snacks. The problem is I would still crack and have that chocolate snack.

After looking over what I was eating again, I realised  a) that it wasn't good enough, I need to be healthier and b) I was eating a lot of protein but not very much healthy carbs.

I realised that it could be that I wasn't eating enough of the right carbs that I was then cracking and going for the highly processed sugary carbs in chocolate or lollies.

So this is my diet revised:

Breakfast : Healthy Cereal (Heart tick approved, min fat and sugar) with Rice Milk.
Lunch: Usually leftovers or a ham and salad roll/sandwich.
Dinner: Misc.

Snacks: Fruit, muesli bars or cup a soups.
Drinks: Water, coffee
Treats: Very occasionally now I will let myself have a piece of chocolate. Simply because if I cut it out all together then I will simply crave it more. However it is only one or two pieces. And not every day like I used too!

Since making the changes I have been really surprised! I know I shouldn't be, but I am.  I have stopped getting the cravings in the afternoon, and by having something savoury instead I am slowly training my body out of the "it's 3pm I need a sweet" mindset . Not only that but I don't even need as many snacks or as big a portions as what I used too.

I think this was something that was happening before, but because of my meal choices I wasn't giving my body the choice to eat or not. Now I am slowly getting into the frame of mind that I eat when I am hungry, not because I can, or because I am bored, or angry or upset or because it is just there in front of me.

So my goals for my diet include three steps:

Step 1: Get used to eating these meals and eventually replace unhealthy dinner meals with better choices. ( This is hard one, as I still eat with my family, who are not on a diet, but if I slowly introduce healthy versions I am hoping to convince them to eat healthier as well)

Step 2: Decrease the amount of sugar in my diet. This is not because I think I eat a lot of sugar, but once I am happy with my eating habits, and feel the need to go that step further and really cut out sugar. I know this will be hard as it is in so much foods! And will ultimately change how I think and prepare meals.

Step 3: This I think will happen hand in hand with Step 2, I would like to go as organic as possible and prepare as much as possible myself. At the moment this is pretty difficult as a) I don't have a lot of time and b) I need to learn how to cook/prepare the foods that I eat regularly.

The first one that I would like to change is bread. We have a bread machine at home, I just need to learn how to use it and start to make it a habit.

Yesterday was the first day that I not only wore tight clothing to training, so not my usual baggy t-shirt over the top to cover up my stomach, but I also managed to jog 800 meters, and I wasn't even too out of breath.

The t- shirt thing means that I am slowly becoming happy with how I look. The 800 metres means I am becoming fitter (sure 800 metres isn't much, but for someone who doesn't run AT ALL- that's a lot).

I do not want to ruin all that hard work by my food choices. Not when I have come so far!

Self Harm and Foods

There are many ways of hurting yourself, and mine was chocolate.

Now this might not sound like I'm doing myself any harm, and was actually rewarding myself, but I wasn't.

You see I get sick from eating rich foods, so cream, chocolate cake, chocolate, anything really rich, and generally sweet and not long after eating some, I would be gagging and trying to bring it up (and not by choice.)

When I was particularly down and unhappy with myself, hating myself for my eating choices, the way I looked, what I was doing to myself and generally having a pity party, I would have to have chocolate.

Except instead of stopping at a couple of pieces I would the entire block until I was physically sick.

And my reasoning for my behaviour? I deserved it. I deserved to be sick for the way I treated myself, for eating the way I did. For being fat, for giving in to temptation, for not being better, stronger, healthier etc etc

Thinking about it now, I realise of course that it was not reasonable, it was not sensible, and it certainly didn't help me and my weight. But of course, like many things, you only see that when you look back.

I still struggle with that today. I still struggle not to punish myself unnecessarily for giving in to temptation, for falling of the band wagon, for having something I shouldn't, or for not reaching my goals in time, for not pushing myself harder, faster, better.

For not being better, stronger, healthier.

And I think a lot of that comes down to my own self perception, and letting go of constantly wanting to be perfect and meet these unrealistic expectations. To try and stop thinking about how people might be judging me for eating chocolate or having an extra slice of pie, when they don't know who I am, what I am trying to do, how hard I have been working.

I feel like when I read blogs about weight loss and they meet success after success and have lost amazing amounts of weight that I have even more pressure to meet those standards.

But then I take a step back, and think, is that really realistic? Is that sustainable? Are they going to be able to maintain that progress in the long term, or are they going to burn up? Or are they simply in a better place, more supported, more motivated than me?

Who am I to say. All I know is that at the moment my own worst enemy is myself. I am the one that puts the pressure on, that says yes or no to that extra slice, that puts in the effort at the training sessions. Or not.

I feel like I need to start taking more responsibility for my actions, and to stop punishing myself for not achieving everything the first time.

Keeping Busy

One of the many things that I struggle with weight loss is how to maintain everything when I get busy. It's like as soon as I have something to do, I take my mind off what I should be eating or exercising and that's it, all my good intentions go out the window.

This weekend was not my best weekend. I caved. BAD. But as I tell myself now, when was the last time you had popcorn, coke and an icecream at the movies, let alone in day to day life? At least 6 months ago, probably more.

When was the last time you had a slice of pavlova (which I heaped the strawberries and banana on btw) .. probably about 6 months ago, if not more.

So when I think about it. I realise it's not so bad. I have been doing really well lately. Cutting back on the number of foods that I buy in packets or premade. Making everything myself. EVEN cutting back on chocolate.

Lately I have also noticed a change in my thinking as well, instead of saying "Well I've already had a piece of chocolate, I might as well eat the cookie as well" I have been saying "Well I had a piece of chocolate so I really shouldn't have that cookie as well." and thinking about what I should do to improve next time.

My goal is that eventually eating healthy will become a habit and I won't have to constantly plan and listen to those voices in my head, that eventually I'll think "I had a yogurt, I don't need the chocolate or the cookie" or some such. Eventually. And it seems I am on my way there.

I think it has something to do with seeing results, and feeling the difference in myself and realising I don't want to be the one to sabotage myself. I don't want to be the reason why I'm not moving forward.

And I am moving forward. On Saturday I went to the shops with a girlfriend and came across a dress that I absolutely loved from Cotton On. Now Cotton On is normally classed as one of those stores that "I used to buy from, but no longer fit into, and therefore only has "skinny sizes" ."  Anyways I'm staring at this dress that I love and I'm like, just try it on, you've been doing really well lately, maybe this will motivate you to lose that bit more to fit into the dress.

The dress is stretchy and skin tight.  AND is not normally something I would think to try on. Being heavier in the stomach and thighs I tend to buy things that sit tight around my bust and waist then flares around my problem area/s.

So this dress definitely didn't fit the bill. But I tried it on, and guess what? It a) fitted! b) looked good! I was in shock, I didn't actually think it would look good! I was waiting for the, oh it looks alright here, but you can still see my stomach there. Except it didn't happen. I liked the way it looked. Sure it would look way better on me if I lost another 10kgs. But it still looked good. It was like a dance up and down and squeal with excitement moment!!

Also looking at the sizing chart, I chose a large, which is the equivalent of an AU size 14- one size down! (Which is an equivalent of a US size 10.)

You can see the dress here http://shop.cottonon.com/shop/product/ariella-peplum-dress-6/

So from now on I am putting that dress at the front of my wardrobe, to remind me of how well I have done, and not to go back!

It's a new week ahead and it's time to start again with a clean slate and stop guilt tripping myself.

I have done well, I will do better.

Beating myself up.

So this week has been full of guilt. I've been sick and because I've been sick I didn't go to training.
This alone makes me feel guilty even though I know I made the right choice to not go.
But this last week I totally let myself go and this is why I am feeling like crap and guilt tripping myself. Being sick is no excuse to eat whatever I want, and made worse by the fact I didn't go to training so I didn't even work any of it off!

It also dawned on me that I have slowly becoming complacent, I'm doing my training and I have been acting like this is enough, I do my part to be healthy so the rest of it I can let go. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Here I go on about how good I have been and I want to eat clean and then I am eating chocolate or lollies. Yes I am eating better than I was a year ago, but it is still not good enough. If I want to lose all the weight and make significant changes in my life I need to commit and stop being a hypocrite.

I think the problem is that on weekends I give myself leave to do what I want because I don't really have a routine and weekdays I am so worried about portion control that I am not eating enough and then I end up eating junk to make up for it. Which basically means that I need to rethink my diet and work out a better way of eating.

I have been looking into the idea of Clean Eating. It's basically taking out anything processed out of your diet. To me this seems extreme, however there are certainly some good ideas and points in the program which I would like to incorporate into my diet. Mostly eating more fruit and vegetables and cutting back my processed foods.

I have already started to do this, just be taking over the cooking and looking for recipes to replace the packaged foods/sauces I use now. The problem is time. I get up at 6.20 in the morning, I am out the door at 6.40. I grab my coffee at 7.20 and am at work at 7.30. I work until 4ish and get home at about 5.

Making dinner doesn't faze me, but because I have zero time during the day I need to plan ahead to make sure that I take good foods with me and am not tempted to go spoil myself with treats from the shops just across the road.

The good news is that I am getting better, and while chocolates and lollies are still an issue, I can't remember the last time I had fast food ( Maccas etc) or soft drink.

I already eat a good breakfast, porridge or boiled eggs on toast plus a coffee, and I am quite happy with eating these for breakfast.

It's snacking that's the issue. I'm one of those that like to eat every couple of hours, so breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner.

I think that I need to start bringing in more fruit and veggies cut up, with maybe some dip or something so that this what I snack on instead. I already bring in a piece of fruit and yogurt, however I get bored of these or eat them in the morning and still need something for the afternoon.

So. Goals for the weeks ahead:

Eat better snacks>> prepare snacks the night before so that I can just grab and go in the morning.
Start doing more incidental exercise>> stop relying on just my training and go for walks when I can.
Start getting myself into a routine on the weekend>> healthy breakfast followed by exercise.

3 weeks down, 1 week to go!

3 weeks without Chocolate and I am only just starting to look at chocolate without craving and instant drooling. The good news is that my skin has cleared up and with work settling down I don't feel like running to the confectionary aisle every time something goes wrong.

However stress at home is only worsening, as my father has possibly had a minor stroke in the field in a country somewhere in asia. With limited english and medical facilities, its hard to tell whether what we hear is an official diagnosis. Needless to say it has been a living hell and I feel that I am the only one that has at it together. So am feeling very proud of myself as I stop myself from reaching for an entire block of dark chocolate.

Chocolate be gone!

Ok, so everyone has that one thing that they love above all else and that tests their will power the  most. Mine is chocolate. Whenever something is bad, emotional or just plain boring- chocolate is the answer.
It probably stems from the fact that as a child we weren't really allowed sweets, so it just made having it that bit more desirable.
Safe to say, that now as an adult, with money, I can go buy chocolate whenever I want. Which I have been doing, sad to say. I go through stages, sometimes I'll go for weeks without any and not even mind, sometimes however I'll have to have everyday.
So when everyone started talking about Dry May- you know not drinking for a month, and for some reason they chose May. I decided that going without alcohol was easy, after all I barely drink unless it's a social gathering, but going without chocolate for a month would be hard.

I am now into my second week, and fairing well. It was a struggle over the last couple of days as I have been at a gardening expo for work and have had to deal with a lot of stress and running around, and of course all I wanted to do was to sit down at the end of the day with a large cup of hot chocolate and a couple of blocks of chocolate.

Besides that, I have had a massive blue with my dad, mostly about him being a jerk for putting his family in this situation- almost bankrupt- while he chaces his dream and doesn't care about what it does to the rest of us. That and he threatened to bugger off overseas and leave mum to deal with it unless she cooperated with him. Which is bloody unfair considering he has been cheating on her, for god knows how long, with how many women, who he bought gifts for, but wouldn't take mum on a holiday. So yeah I had a go at him. And now I'm exhausted. I'm just so sick of being the one that has to deal with this. Not saying that the rest of my family is not dealing with it, but I am the only one who seems to hold him accountable for his actions. Mum blames herself and doesn't want to have anything to do with him, and my two siblings love him too much to really say anything. Me- not so much.

To me, my father was the person who always seemed to be away, who never remembered birthdays, who yelled at me for not helping him on the farm when he was home, who expected me to know how to drive without anyone teaching me, and yelling at me for not knowing that I had to put my foot down on the clutch to change gears. He never cared about my school work, friends or life in general. And yet I am to blame for our Father-Daughter relationship. Gee thanks Dad.

But enough of all that. I am not eating chocolate, and am still holding out. And when I am done I will go and shout myself a new hair style I think.. I'm thinking something with violet.. :)