So it's been a week since I moved out of home and have been settling into my own home and way of life. All I can say is, I think this is going to work for me.
I don't know what it is, but I honestly feel like I have more time during the week, and less time over the weekend. Possibly because that's when visitors come a-calling.
Eating has been ace. I have had a bit of a wake up call on how much I actually eat. It's actually a lot less than I thought! So I have had so much leftovers this week. The upside is that I have not had to buy lunch and thus am saving money. Sunday I used up some leftover chicken and made a massive curry. Normally this would feed the family (of 4) but for me it was dinner, lunch and leftovers which I spooned into some ramekins and made pies. I wrapped these in alfoil and chucked them in the freezer for lunches during the week.
I also made some banana bread and brownies and froze half of each for another day. The rest were devoured by all my guests on the weekend. Which I am grateful for. Less for me to graze on!
One thing I am prone to, is to snack on unhealthy foods when bored. So once I finish off the unhealthy stuff in the cupboard I am determined not to buy more and just focus on fruit and other healthy snacks.
My diet during the week at work has very much been: Porridge with full cream milk and small sprinkling of cinnamon and brown sugar. Fruit for morning tea- usually a couple of apples or a punnet of strawberries. Left overs for lunch and another snack in the afternoon. I am trying to work it that I just drink tea or coffee instead of snacks in the afternoon and really pack my dinners and lunches with as much veggies as possible. Trying!
My diet is all about trying to find something that works for me and my budget. Fills me up. Is easy. And also is as nutritionally dense as possible. So a lot of home cooking and vegies and fruit. So far it's going well and I am excited to try some new things and work in veggies in a more imaginative way. I really do love being creative and cooking is definitely a passion of mine. The upside of living out of home is that there is less work to be done, and I don't need to cater for everyone's tastes, so I can make stuff that I want and eat. Winning!
Lot's to do this week, heaps of stuff that I need to get sorted with the house and still trying to get into a routine with exercise etc. I thought mornings might have been the way to go, but I think I like the idea of going for a nice walk at the end of the day to clear my head before coming back and getting into the kitchen for dinner. We'll see.
All I can say, is that while I haven't been exercising as much as I used to, I don't feel heavy/bloated like I used to and actually have a bit of energy. I have noticed a slight gain around the hips, but I'm hoping that as I really concentrate on my diet and upping my exercise I can get rid of that and get back to losing weight. Wish me luck!
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Sunday, 12 October 2014
Tuesday, 22 October 2013
What's in my head
I am a big thinker. I think, I analyse, I think again. Sometimes I will get so sick of thinking that I will just make a snap decision and do something. It's annoying, it's frustrating, it's who I am.
At the moment I have a few things going on in my brain that I just need to get out somewhere.
Dating
Ok, not the topic you were thinking of right? I have started dating again after starting to feel happier about myself and where I am with my body. I have been on a few dates and met some nice guys.. but no spark. No sizzle. No.. anything.
In the past, part of the reason I didn't date much was that I always assumed that the reason I hadn't met anyone was because of me. It was me that needed to be fixed or wasn't quite right or at my best. It was because I was too fat, too shy, liked my books over walks etc etc.
Now I am right back at that same spot again and all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and refocus on getting me 'right'. Fixing all my problems in time to me the right one.
How insane does that sound? And yet I am struggling to not give in again.
Diet
I am struggling more and more with dairy. Everything I eat seems to make me sick, which in turn makes me unhappy and feeling gross which makes me either want to just lay down and not move or find some sort of food that doesn't make me sick.
Plus I have been super stressed and tired lately (Headache's again argh) and this means that I haven't been making lunches and snacks like I normally would. I have been spending a bit more money so that I buy healthier options, but sometimes I just slip.
This doesn't make me happy. I WANT to do better. I WANT to be healthier. I WANT to lose that last bit of weight and get down to a happy size 14. And yet I can't seem to summon up the energy or enthusiasm to be able to follow through.
So I am going to go see a naturopath and see whether they can help me with my dietary problems and hopefully put me on the right path.
Family
I am so sick of my family at the moment. Mostly my Sister and her Partner. They are on a massive health fix at the moment and it is driving me insane.
They will spend up to $250 on food for one person in a week. How insane is that!!!
That's because her Partner is on some high protein diet and he eats good quality steak like 4 times a day. I don't know how he isn't sick of it yet.
It seems to be working for them and I am happy for them. But oh my god I just wish they would be more considerate. They constantly judge us on what food we eat, because it might have some cheese or pasta in it. They cook for themselves and not the rest of us. But when we cook there's a 50/50 chance of them eating. You just never know. It's just not fair.
And it is so frustrating hearing them tell me what I should be doing. Just because they have had some success on a radical fad diet does not mean they have the right or the knowledge to tell me how to lose weight. I am doing it the right way, with diet and exercise and losing weight consistently over long term.
These are just a few of the swirls of thoughts going round my head. There is more, like travel plans, problems with friends, work, work and more work... it just keeps going and I feel like I barely have a chance to breathe and catch up and get myself in a good place again. I feel like I don't have time to relax and concentrate on me. Just me. No one else.
I hope I can find some time soon to stop and relax. To process and refocus. Soon, please.
At the moment I have a few things going on in my brain that I just need to get out somewhere.
Dating
Ok, not the topic you were thinking of right? I have started dating again after starting to feel happier about myself and where I am with my body. I have been on a few dates and met some nice guys.. but no spark. No sizzle. No.. anything.
In the past, part of the reason I didn't date much was that I always assumed that the reason I hadn't met anyone was because of me. It was me that needed to be fixed or wasn't quite right or at my best. It was because I was too fat, too shy, liked my books over walks etc etc.
Now I am right back at that same spot again and all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and refocus on getting me 'right'. Fixing all my problems in time to me the right one.
How insane does that sound? And yet I am struggling to not give in again.
Diet
I am struggling more and more with dairy. Everything I eat seems to make me sick, which in turn makes me unhappy and feeling gross which makes me either want to just lay down and not move or find some sort of food that doesn't make me sick.
Plus I have been super stressed and tired lately (Headache's again argh) and this means that I haven't been making lunches and snacks like I normally would. I have been spending a bit more money so that I buy healthier options, but sometimes I just slip.
This doesn't make me happy. I WANT to do better. I WANT to be healthier. I WANT to lose that last bit of weight and get down to a happy size 14. And yet I can't seem to summon up the energy or enthusiasm to be able to follow through.
So I am going to go see a naturopath and see whether they can help me with my dietary problems and hopefully put me on the right path.
Family
I am so sick of my family at the moment. Mostly my Sister and her Partner. They are on a massive health fix at the moment and it is driving me insane.
They will spend up to $250 on food for one person in a week. How insane is that!!!
That's because her Partner is on some high protein diet and he eats good quality steak like 4 times a day. I don't know how he isn't sick of it yet.
It seems to be working for them and I am happy for them. But oh my god I just wish they would be more considerate. They constantly judge us on what food we eat, because it might have some cheese or pasta in it. They cook for themselves and not the rest of us. But when we cook there's a 50/50 chance of them eating. You just never know. It's just not fair.
And it is so frustrating hearing them tell me what I should be doing. Just because they have had some success on a radical fad diet does not mean they have the right or the knowledge to tell me how to lose weight. I am doing it the right way, with diet and exercise and losing weight consistently over long term.
These are just a few of the swirls of thoughts going round my head. There is more, like travel plans, problems with friends, work, work and more work... it just keeps going and I feel like I barely have a chance to breathe and catch up and get myself in a good place again. I feel like I don't have time to relax and concentrate on me. Just me. No one else.
I hope I can find some time soon to stop and relax. To process and refocus. Soon, please.
Thursday, 19 September 2013
Something that hurts
Something that always manages to hurt is other people's snide comments about what I eat. They seem to think that because they catch me eating a piece of chocolate or some hot chips that it gives them the right to criticise what I am doing.
They seem to think that just because I am not 100% sugar free, wheat free, dairy free etc etc that I don't eat healthy. That I am not doing 'enough'.
It makes me so angry and then it makes me sad.
Because every time I hear those comments I wonder why I don't push myself more, why I don't make those simply changes. Why I don't go harder, faster, longer...
It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. As if I'm the failure.
Despite going from not exercising at all to exercising 5 times a week.
From constantly snacking in my room after dinner to not snacking after dinner at all.
From barely touching fruit to eating fruit every morning, and feeling weird when I don't.
From skipping breakfast to eating cereal or wholegrain toast with boiled eggs every morning.
From shovelling fast food into me while in my car when I was hungry but too ashamed for anyone to see what I was eating.
From having fast food almost every week to less than once a month.
From drinking soft drink or juice every week to next to nothing.
From cutting back my meat consumption and increasing my fish and vegetables.
From going from someone who was about to go into a size 20 pants to someone who has to now go into a size 16. One size away from my goal.
From someone who was ashamed and disgusted with themselves and what their body looked like to someone who has finally rediscovered their confidence and joy in life. Who is HAPPY and who is HEALTHY and who is constantly improving.
Yes I am not 100% organic, sugar and wheat free. But my god I am a billion times better than what I was .
So SHUT THE F*** UP.
They seem to think that just because I am not 100% sugar free, wheat free, dairy free etc etc that I don't eat healthy. That I am not doing 'enough'.
It makes me so angry and then it makes me sad.
Because every time I hear those comments I wonder why I don't push myself more, why I don't make those simply changes. Why I don't go harder, faster, longer...
It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. As if I'm the failure.
Despite going from not exercising at all to exercising 5 times a week.
From constantly snacking in my room after dinner to not snacking after dinner at all.
From barely touching fruit to eating fruit every morning, and feeling weird when I don't.
From skipping breakfast to eating cereal or wholegrain toast with boiled eggs every morning.
From shovelling fast food into me while in my car when I was hungry but too ashamed for anyone to see what I was eating.
From having fast food almost every week to less than once a month.
From drinking soft drink or juice every week to next to nothing.
From cutting back my meat consumption and increasing my fish and vegetables.
From going from someone who was about to go into a size 20 pants to someone who has to now go into a size 16. One size away from my goal.
From someone who was ashamed and disgusted with themselves and what their body looked like to someone who has finally rediscovered their confidence and joy in life. Who is HAPPY and who is HEALTHY and who is constantly improving.
Yes I am not 100% organic, sugar and wheat free. But my god I am a billion times better than what I was .
So SHUT THE F*** UP.
Thursday, 18 July 2013
Seeking balance and making new goals.
Lately I have been quite busy, with work and my social life, training and starting to date again.
It's left me feeling a bit scattered, unorganised and not in the right space mentally.
Thankfully for me starting this weekend I will get some down time and can finally relax and get myself on track.
A few things that have been happening lately:
I have started an online interior design course, which I just submitted my first assignment for and am now starting the second. It has been a few years since I studied and it's surprising how hard it is to get back into it, but I enjoy design and history, so I'm quite liking the course.
I am building a house. I am just finalising the home loan papers and then I have to start picking out my colours, ranges, tiles etc and all that. So that is going to be taking up some of my time and money. But it will be well worth it next year when I move into my own home.
I have started doing stairs with my trainer, this means that I am working out a minimum of 4 sessions a week, sometimes 5. It also gives me more variety and something else to try and improve. It is both disheartening and encouraging working out with women who are 10 years older than me and who are fitter and healthier than me. Thankfully they have also been on this journey a lot longer than me.
I have started dating again. Jesus, what was I thinking? It has been both nice and disappointing. Nice to know that there are genuinely nice guys out there and that I must have something going for me. Disappointing because I have yet to find anyone that I have a connection with. Plus there are some serious losers out there. Sad, but true.
I am slowly undergoing a make over. Longer more natural looking hair. Getting my nails done, and changing my style a bit. I want something a bit classier but still a little eccentric. I like my bows, buttons, patterns etc but time to tone it down a little. I want something more sleek and toned- kinda like the body I want!
I am trying to get my arse together and organise a few trips before I move into my house and have a mortgage. Hopefully go to Ireland, Canada and maybe Fiji or something. I want to do something because I know once I have a mortgage money and time will be hard to find and it will be at least a few years before I will be able to go travelling again!
Lastly, I have decided that when I move into my house I want to have a few of these things done. Like travel plans out of the way. Down to my goal weight (I really hope so!). Finish my interior design course. This is giving me some motivation to get things done- it's only a year away after all!
This year was/is for me and my personal life. Next year it will be about financial goals and getting some more experience/tools/training under my belt. Do some volunteering and work experience (interior design) and start looking at my career goals. That and I suspect I will be focusing a lot on DIY and craft things for my house. :D
As you can see a lot going on and a lot more to come. But I want to live life to the fullest so that means tackling things now, not later. Particularly as I want to have a family and who knows how that will affect my time and money.
It's left me feeling a bit scattered, unorganised and not in the right space mentally.
Thankfully for me starting this weekend I will get some down time and can finally relax and get myself on track.
A few things that have been happening lately:
I have started an online interior design course, which I just submitted my first assignment for and am now starting the second. It has been a few years since I studied and it's surprising how hard it is to get back into it, but I enjoy design and history, so I'm quite liking the course.
I am building a house. I am just finalising the home loan papers and then I have to start picking out my colours, ranges, tiles etc and all that. So that is going to be taking up some of my time and money. But it will be well worth it next year when I move into my own home.
I have started doing stairs with my trainer, this means that I am working out a minimum of 4 sessions a week, sometimes 5. It also gives me more variety and something else to try and improve. It is both disheartening and encouraging working out with women who are 10 years older than me and who are fitter and healthier than me. Thankfully they have also been on this journey a lot longer than me.
I have started dating again. Jesus, what was I thinking? It has been both nice and disappointing. Nice to know that there are genuinely nice guys out there and that I must have something going for me. Disappointing because I have yet to find anyone that I have a connection with. Plus there are some serious losers out there. Sad, but true.
I am slowly undergoing a make over. Longer more natural looking hair. Getting my nails done, and changing my style a bit. I want something a bit classier but still a little eccentric. I like my bows, buttons, patterns etc but time to tone it down a little. I want something more sleek and toned- kinda like the body I want!
I am trying to get my arse together and organise a few trips before I move into my house and have a mortgage. Hopefully go to Ireland, Canada and maybe Fiji or something. I want to do something because I know once I have a mortgage money and time will be hard to find and it will be at least a few years before I will be able to go travelling again!
Lastly, I have decided that when I move into my house I want to have a few of these things done. Like travel plans out of the way. Down to my goal weight (I really hope so!). Finish my interior design course. This is giving me some motivation to get things done- it's only a year away after all!
This year was/is for me and my personal life. Next year it will be about financial goals and getting some more experience/tools/training under my belt. Do some volunteering and work experience (interior design) and start looking at my career goals. That and I suspect I will be focusing a lot on DIY and craft things for my house. :D
As you can see a lot going on and a lot more to come. But I want to live life to the fullest so that means tackling things now, not later. Particularly as I want to have a family and who knows how that will affect my time and money.
Tuesday, 18 June 2013
Updates on a dark and wintery morning
So while half the world is enjoying their summer, we in Australia are 'enjoying' our winter.
I get up at 6, and it is dark and cold and I must admit I struggle.
I also get home to dark and cold and I struggle.
Struggle with what? Eating, exercising, life.
I say this, but if you probably were to have a peak into my life you probably wouldn't see too many changes from summer to now. Less walks maybe, less fruit, more time spent in bed.
I haven't skipped any training sessions. So I'm still working out 4 times a week at this stage.
I am still improving my eating habits.. I want to cut back on cheese and sauces.
It's also been hard lately as my sister and her partner have moved back home. And they do not eat what I eat. And because they do not spend the first part of their evenings at training, they tend to be there when the decisions about what to eat for dinner are being made.
This has meant that I have had to come home and make separate meals for myself and means no leftovers for the next day. Meaning I have to buy my lunch. Which isn't too bad as there are lots of healthy places to eat around here. It does mean though I'm spending more money and time on food than I want to.
What do they eat that is so horrible? Lot's of creamy, heavy foods. Foods with a lot of pastry. Foods with everything chucked in without thought for taste.
I hate it.
But what can you do? It's just another part of life and moving on and dealing with the daily challenges of losing weight.
I have my day off from training tomorrow and plan to use it to make a few things in advance to tide me over for the next few days. Planning, planning, planning. It's the only way to successfully lose weight!
I get up at 6, and it is dark and cold and I must admit I struggle.
I also get home to dark and cold and I struggle.
Struggle with what? Eating, exercising, life.
I say this, but if you probably were to have a peak into my life you probably wouldn't see too many changes from summer to now. Less walks maybe, less fruit, more time spent in bed.
I haven't skipped any training sessions. So I'm still working out 4 times a week at this stage.
I am still improving my eating habits.. I want to cut back on cheese and sauces.
It's also been hard lately as my sister and her partner have moved back home. And they do not eat what I eat. And because they do not spend the first part of their evenings at training, they tend to be there when the decisions about what to eat for dinner are being made.
This has meant that I have had to come home and make separate meals for myself and means no leftovers for the next day. Meaning I have to buy my lunch. Which isn't too bad as there are lots of healthy places to eat around here. It does mean though I'm spending more money and time on food than I want to.
What do they eat that is so horrible? Lot's of creamy, heavy foods. Foods with a lot of pastry. Foods with everything chucked in without thought for taste.
I hate it.
But what can you do? It's just another part of life and moving on and dealing with the daily challenges of losing weight.
I have my day off from training tomorrow and plan to use it to make a few things in advance to tide me over for the next few days. Planning, planning, planning. It's the only way to successfully lose weight!
Monday, 3 June 2013
Teeth, headaches, sunshine and Funruns!
Ok, so here is a bit of an update of what is happening over the last week or so:
I'm going halves with mum and building a house. Needless to say there is a lot of paperwork and stress and organising going on.
I have been getting headaches every day because I was grinding my teeth. So I had to get a splint (mouth guard) to wear at night. $500 dollars later and I no longer have headaches-hurray!!
Because of the headaches I wasn't getting much sleep and got sick and had to take a few days off life- work, exercise, friends. I just rested. Now I feel so much better!
It's coming into winter here and highlights just how much I love the sunshine. I get up early and I go to bed early, because of the daylight. Now of course there is so little daylight I get depressed and just want to sleep and read and snuggle in bed. This weekend was glorious and we had so much sunlight it was amazing. I felt like I spent most of it soaking it up, through walks or reading outdoors or playing with the dogs. Hopefully it lasts me a little while.
Yesterday instead of training we did a 6k Funrun with my trainer and a few of the other girls. I think I did alright. Running is something I absolutely hate and don't get. I jogged as much as I could and walked the rest. Today I'm so sore. But I feel good for giving something different a whirl and pushing myself to try stuff even if I don't like it.
I have been getting back into healthy eating again after slipping while I was tired and had headaches. It really is about being well rested and alert that keeps me on track. I'm finding that more and more I don't need to eat as much. I still get hungry regularly, but I don't eat as much at each sitting. I'm also craving fruit and salad rolls/sandwiches.
I got myself organised on the weekend- things like organising my paperwork and folders, clothes that need to be chucked out etc and now feel like my mind is a bit more organised too. Now I want to concentrate on getting myself to eat well all the time, not just Monday-Friday.
I also want to concentrate on giving myself so me time. I'm an introvert and really need to time to myself to process everything and centre myself and lately that's the first thing that gets thrown out the window.
So no more doing that! It might be doing a bit of arts and crafts or reading a book or a long shower and pamper session (doing my nails, a face mask etc) to just wind down.
Well that's the goal anyway! I'm still doing my exercise and doing well. Still losing weight and toning up, as shown by my loose exercise pants.
Happy Tuesday!
Oh wait! I forgot to tell you! I bought another pair of JEANS! Yes that's right, you heard me! Size 16! They look great on me and are actually comfy! :D
I'm going halves with mum and building a house. Needless to say there is a lot of paperwork and stress and organising going on.
I have been getting headaches every day because I was grinding my teeth. So I had to get a splint (mouth guard) to wear at night. $500 dollars later and I no longer have headaches-hurray!!
Because of the headaches I wasn't getting much sleep and got sick and had to take a few days off life- work, exercise, friends. I just rested. Now I feel so much better!
It's coming into winter here and highlights just how much I love the sunshine. I get up early and I go to bed early, because of the daylight. Now of course there is so little daylight I get depressed and just want to sleep and read and snuggle in bed. This weekend was glorious and we had so much sunlight it was amazing. I felt like I spent most of it soaking it up, through walks or reading outdoors or playing with the dogs. Hopefully it lasts me a little while.
Yesterday instead of training we did a 6k Funrun with my trainer and a few of the other girls. I think I did alright. Running is something I absolutely hate and don't get. I jogged as much as I could and walked the rest. Today I'm so sore. But I feel good for giving something different a whirl and pushing myself to try stuff even if I don't like it.
I have been getting back into healthy eating again after slipping while I was tired and had headaches. It really is about being well rested and alert that keeps me on track. I'm finding that more and more I don't need to eat as much. I still get hungry regularly, but I don't eat as much at each sitting. I'm also craving fruit and salad rolls/sandwiches.
I got myself organised on the weekend- things like organising my paperwork and folders, clothes that need to be chucked out etc and now feel like my mind is a bit more organised too. Now I want to concentrate on getting myself to eat well all the time, not just Monday-Friday.
I also want to concentrate on giving myself so me time. I'm an introvert and really need to time to myself to process everything and centre myself and lately that's the first thing that gets thrown out the window.
So no more doing that! It might be doing a bit of arts and crafts or reading a book or a long shower and pamper session (doing my nails, a face mask etc) to just wind down.
Well that's the goal anyway! I'm still doing my exercise and doing well. Still losing weight and toning up, as shown by my loose exercise pants.
Happy Tuesday!
Oh wait! I forgot to tell you! I bought another pair of JEANS! Yes that's right, you heard me! Size 16! They look great on me and are actually comfy! :D
Sunday, 5 May 2013
Jumping straight back into it..
So I have been off for about a week visiting the family in rural NSW. I tell ya, we always put on extra kgs when we visit because all you do is eat, eat and eat.
Which is fine, I ate more but I also said no quite a lot too.
I also jumped straight back into training again on Friday night with boxing. I was a little worried because it had been over a week since I had had a solid training session, but I did fine. Really good actually. I have started to make it more and more around the park without stopping (Booyah!) and in the two minute rounds I can now do most exercises for two minutes without stopping.
So I felt good, I got straight back into it and now feel more settled knowing my routine is back to normal.
For me having a routine is very important, otherwise there is just too much to decide and change. Changes for me can often lead to bad choices.
I understand that not everyone sees a routine the way I do, but I was a bit surprised by the number of people who asked me when I got back from training if I was going to have a bit of a break before I started up again. (As in start on Monday, rather than Friday, or even later.)
For me it doesn't make sense to delay the inevitable, I have to go back at some point so I might as well jump straight back into it rather than putting it off.
Besides the sooner I get into it the sooner I can work off any excess that might have crept on while I was away.
The sooner I get back into it, the sooner I get out of 'holiday' mode. (And the better my body will be! )
I keep saying this lately, but I am really noticing big changes in my body and appearance.
I think this has something to do with the fact that I have also made the decision to stop buying so many clothes and actually wear the ones out in my wardrobe first... which means I am wearing clothes that have been in my cupboard for years but only pull out occasionally. ( So occasionally that it might be the first time I have worn it in 1-2 years.!!)
So the difference of how it fits is amazing. For example, I have an over sized blouse that I wear with a belt at the waist which I normally pair with a black skirt and leggings. This over sized blouse now is almost too over sized.
Other things that I have noticed is that pants and skirts are starting to get too big around the waist. Dresses are fitting me better, particularly around the bust and waist, but also around my hips and stomach.
I am actually wearing JEANS more often! Which if you have read any of my previous posts you would know what a big deal that is..
I have lost weight in my face, you can see my cheek bones more and weirdly my fingers as well... my ring now feels a bit loose!
All in all I feel amazing. The more I notice the better I want to look after myself, I want to take care of this body that I am slowly falling back in love with. I want to make sure I look my best and feel my best always.
This means that I have started making more time for doing my nails, my hair, my makeup. Making more time to pack healthy lunches and snacks. Making more time to look after my skin. Making more time to do more exercise outside of training, liking taking the dogs for walks. (OK, this might have more to do with the fact that there is a very good looking jogger on the paths at this time.. but it counts right? )
But this means I feel more confident and happy with myself. I feel strong and beautiful and I think others are starting to notice that more and more. I see it in how my friends act around me. I see it in the male attention that I have started to receive.
It is both amazing and saddening. Sad because now I realise how far gone I was before, and amazing because I feel like I've finally started to live life again!
Which is fine, I ate more but I also said no quite a lot too.
I also jumped straight back into training again on Friday night with boxing. I was a little worried because it had been over a week since I had had a solid training session, but I did fine. Really good actually. I have started to make it more and more around the park without stopping (Booyah!) and in the two minute rounds I can now do most exercises for two minutes without stopping.
So I felt good, I got straight back into it and now feel more settled knowing my routine is back to normal.
For me having a routine is very important, otherwise there is just too much to decide and change. Changes for me can often lead to bad choices.
I understand that not everyone sees a routine the way I do, but I was a bit surprised by the number of people who asked me when I got back from training if I was going to have a bit of a break before I started up again. (As in start on Monday, rather than Friday, or even later.)
For me it doesn't make sense to delay the inevitable, I have to go back at some point so I might as well jump straight back into it rather than putting it off.
Besides the sooner I get into it the sooner I can work off any excess that might have crept on while I was away.
The sooner I get back into it, the sooner I get out of 'holiday' mode. (And the better my body will be! )
I keep saying this lately, but I am really noticing big changes in my body and appearance.
I think this has something to do with the fact that I have also made the decision to stop buying so many clothes and actually wear the ones out in my wardrobe first... which means I am wearing clothes that have been in my cupboard for years but only pull out occasionally. ( So occasionally that it might be the first time I have worn it in 1-2 years.!!)
So the difference of how it fits is amazing. For example, I have an over sized blouse that I wear with a belt at the waist which I normally pair with a black skirt and leggings. This over sized blouse now is almost too over sized.
Other things that I have noticed is that pants and skirts are starting to get too big around the waist. Dresses are fitting me better, particularly around the bust and waist, but also around my hips and stomach.
I am actually wearing JEANS more often! Which if you have read any of my previous posts you would know what a big deal that is..
I have lost weight in my face, you can see my cheek bones more and weirdly my fingers as well... my ring now feels a bit loose!
All in all I feel amazing. The more I notice the better I want to look after myself, I want to take care of this body that I am slowly falling back in love with. I want to make sure I look my best and feel my best always.
This means that I have started making more time for doing my nails, my hair, my makeup. Making more time to pack healthy lunches and snacks. Making more time to look after my skin. Making more time to do more exercise outside of training, liking taking the dogs for walks. (OK, this might have more to do with the fact that there is a very good looking jogger on the paths at this time.. but it counts right? )
But this means I feel more confident and happy with myself. I feel strong and beautiful and I think others are starting to notice that more and more. I see it in how my friends act around me. I see it in the male attention that I have started to receive.
It is both amazing and saddening. Sad because now I realise how far gone I was before, and amazing because I feel like I've finally started to live life again!
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Not being the newbie anymore!
So I have been at an event for work since Thursday last week and finally got back in the office on Tuesday. While at the event I couldn't attend training of Friday and Monday, simply because I was not going to make it back in time.
Don't worry, I made sure to eat well and I was physically active, walking and carrying things around so that I still felt like I did something.
Honestly I probably did more weight training over the 4 days than I do in training! Some of those boxes were heavy!!
Anyways so Tuesday saw me return back to my normal routine. (For a day or two anyways before I fly out to Sydney and rural NSW for my cousin's wedding.)
I rocked up at boxing and guess what? There were newbies! That means I am no longer the newbie of the group :) I felt like I was hard core because I knew the moves and knew what I was getting into AND because I made it around the park jogging, not once stopping and well ahead of a chick that was WAY skinnier than me. Sad that I take pride in that haha.
Then I did awesome in the two minute knock out rounds and barely stopped the whole way through!
Felt like I did my trainer proud last night :)
I have training again tonight then I fly out to Sydney and rural NSW tomorrow with my family for my cousin's wedding. We'll be over there for a week and I'm looking forward to it because we'll get to see the whole family, which we don't often do as we live on the other side of the country.
For those that don't live in Australia, living on the other side of the country IS A BIG DEAL. It takes a 3-5 hour flight to get from Sydney-Perth or vice versa. To drive across it can take 3-7 days. That's right DAYS! We did it once as a family and managed to do it in 3 1/2 days. That was doing 120kms/hour and stopping for sleep, food and pee breaks only.
So yeah, we don't see the family often and quite looking forward to it! Will push myself hard tonight in preparation for not doing training for the next week, although I'll try and keep active over there.
On other news, I have slowly been throwing out all my size 18 bottoms and getting size 16's. My wardrobe is now almost entirely full of size 16s and size 14s.
My goal is to get down to a size 12 top and size 14 bottom. ONLY ONE MORE SIZE TO GO!! :) At the moment I am the most even I have ever been between my top and bottom half (I'm a pear, so that's a big deal!) so buying clothes is lots of fun right now! I have to remember not to go overboard and that soon I will be dropping more clothes sizes :)
Don't worry, I made sure to eat well and I was physically active, walking and carrying things around so that I still felt like I did something.
Honestly I probably did more weight training over the 4 days than I do in training! Some of those boxes were heavy!!
Anyways so Tuesday saw me return back to my normal routine. (For a day or two anyways before I fly out to Sydney and rural NSW for my cousin's wedding.)
I rocked up at boxing and guess what? There were newbies! That means I am no longer the newbie of the group :) I felt like I was hard core because I knew the moves and knew what I was getting into AND because I made it around the park jogging, not once stopping and well ahead of a chick that was WAY skinnier than me. Sad that I take pride in that haha.
Then I did awesome in the two minute knock out rounds and barely stopped the whole way through!
Felt like I did my trainer proud last night :)
I have training again tonight then I fly out to Sydney and rural NSW tomorrow with my family for my cousin's wedding. We'll be over there for a week and I'm looking forward to it because we'll get to see the whole family, which we don't often do as we live on the other side of the country.
For those that don't live in Australia, living on the other side of the country IS A BIG DEAL. It takes a 3-5 hour flight to get from Sydney-Perth or vice versa. To drive across it can take 3-7 days. That's right DAYS! We did it once as a family and managed to do it in 3 1/2 days. That was doing 120kms/hour and stopping for sleep, food and pee breaks only.
So yeah, we don't see the family often and quite looking forward to it! Will push myself hard tonight in preparation for not doing training for the next week, although I'll try and keep active over there.
On other news, I have slowly been throwing out all my size 18 bottoms and getting size 16's. My wardrobe is now almost entirely full of size 16s and size 14s.
My goal is to get down to a size 12 top and size 14 bottom. ONLY ONE MORE SIZE TO GO!! :) At the moment I am the most even I have ever been between my top and bottom half (I'm a pear, so that's a big deal!) so buying clothes is lots of fun right now! I have to remember not to go overboard and that soon I will be dropping more clothes sizes :)
Monday, 15 April 2013
Friendships and doing what is best for you
There are so many bloggers out there that say they have lost friends on their journey to lose weight. And that saddens me. I am lucky that I have supportive friends. We are all different sizes and shapes but we love each other and support each others decisions.
For those bloggers out there that have lost friends, I often ask myself these questions 1. Did you try to explain your journey to them in terms they understand so that they know what role you want them to play? and 2. If they did not accept and support your decisions, could they really be called friends?
Now they probably sound like very harsh questions, but as an introvert I value and choose my friends with care and as a result only have a few friends. But quality over quantity is my motto.
Of course that's not to say you can't have lots of decent friends. Just that I don't.
Losing weight is such a personal journey. No one can understand what the other person is going through, because completely different things might have brought them to that point in their life and is now motivating them to change their life.
Someone who has never lost a significant amount of weight can never really understand the struggle and emotional issues tied up with it.
Someone who has lost weight still might not understand the issues. And often will believe they know they answer and will tout advice.
I have often received advice from well meaning others. At first I took it all on board. Then I got angry, feeling like they were criticising me for the way I was doing things, or for simply not doing things fast enough.
Now that I feel like I am doing enough, training 4 times a week and eating right, I feel like I can go back to the beginning, take it all on board, but politely say that I am doing all I can and am happy with my efforts.
Losing weight is a journey, in more ways than one. Often people do not know how they are supposed to react or be when you say you are losing weight. They do not know whether they should bring it up and congratulate you. When you say you've gained a kg, they do not know whether they should offer advice or commiserate with you or clap you on your back and say that you can do it.
It is often hard to know what someone else wants from you in terms of support. Some people are better at understanding than others and sometimes what you need is not what you want.
I think it is important to be upfront from the beginning and to be clear on how you want to be treated. For the most parts my friends will not bring it up unless I bring it up first. Then they say you look great and ask me what I am doing. That's all I want from them, and that's all I need.
If you are not up front, then you can be hurt by a friends misguided comments and this can affect your progress too. If even after being upfront they still continue to hurt you, do not waste time and energy on them- they are clearly not true friends.
For those bloggers out there that have lost friends, I often ask myself these questions 1. Did you try to explain your journey to them in terms they understand so that they know what role you want them to play? and 2. If they did not accept and support your decisions, could they really be called friends?
Now they probably sound like very harsh questions, but as an introvert I value and choose my friends with care and as a result only have a few friends. But quality over quantity is my motto.
Of course that's not to say you can't have lots of decent friends. Just that I don't.
Losing weight is such a personal journey. No one can understand what the other person is going through, because completely different things might have brought them to that point in their life and is now motivating them to change their life.
Someone who has never lost a significant amount of weight can never really understand the struggle and emotional issues tied up with it.
Someone who has lost weight still might not understand the issues. And often will believe they know they answer and will tout advice.
I have often received advice from well meaning others. At first I took it all on board. Then I got angry, feeling like they were criticising me for the way I was doing things, or for simply not doing things fast enough.
Now that I feel like I am doing enough, training 4 times a week and eating right, I feel like I can go back to the beginning, take it all on board, but politely say that I am doing all I can and am happy with my efforts.
Losing weight is a journey, in more ways than one. Often people do not know how they are supposed to react or be when you say you are losing weight. They do not know whether they should bring it up and congratulate you. When you say you've gained a kg, they do not know whether they should offer advice or commiserate with you or clap you on your back and say that you can do it.
It is often hard to know what someone else wants from you in terms of support. Some people are better at understanding than others and sometimes what you need is not what you want.
I think it is important to be upfront from the beginning and to be clear on how you want to be treated. For the most parts my friends will not bring it up unless I bring it up first. Then they say you look great and ask me what I am doing. That's all I want from them, and that's all I need.
If you are not up front, then you can be hurt by a friends misguided comments and this can affect your progress too. If even after being upfront they still continue to hurt you, do not waste time and energy on them- they are clearly not true friends.
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Bushfire Drama and learning to take pride in myself
So yesterday was a bit of a drama. One of the hazards of living in Australia is that bush fires do tend to occur, particularly if you live near bushland and in hot, dry summers and on a windy days.. well, lets just say that not many people are surprised if a fire or two pops up.
In the last year or so we have been evacuated 2-3 times. Nothing has ever reached our house, thankfully, and no lives have been lost but several homes, sheds and gardens etc have been destroyed.
Yesterday we got the call/text msg that we had to get out of our homes while I was at work. Often I think it would be easier to be at home when these things occur, at least then you are able to hear and see for yourself, rather than relying on second and third-hand information and patiently waiting for the latest update on the news and radio.
So after a stressful afternoon of fearing the worst I managed to get home fine, hearing on the radio that they had it all under control. It was 4.45pm. My trainer msgd me saying training was still on at 5.30pm.
I can tell you right now, that all I wanted to do was to go to bed. To curl up and be grateful nothing had happened and finally not let me mind run around in circles, imaging what I would do if the worst had happened.
I have also been tired, so so tired. And feel like I am getting a cold. Which does not make me feel any happier.
All these things were running around in my head, even as I went and put my exercise clothes on, grabbed my keys and walked out the door.
She put me through a killer work out, and I came home even more exhausted and tired, and sore. But more importantly PROUD!.
More and more I am winning. I am going to training, and I am killing it.
No I am not as good as some of the other girls that I occasionally train with, but compare to where I was even two months ago, I have come a long way. I am training harder, longer and better. I am more determined.
And all I can put it down to is the fact that when I came back from holidays I decided 2013 was going to be my year and everything just shifted. After all I believed it was my year.
And people are noticing. Mum has noticed, and started to be proud and admire my dedication, rather than constantly watching me put another mouthful away. My work mates are noticing my weight loss, my trainer is thrilled and pushes me harder every day.
And my clothes are getting bigger and looser (?) and I am so happy.
It is tiring and painful. But it is worth it. Finally I can be proud of myself and my body again. :D
In the last year or so we have been evacuated 2-3 times. Nothing has ever reached our house, thankfully, and no lives have been lost but several homes, sheds and gardens etc have been destroyed.
Yesterday we got the call/text msg that we had to get out of our homes while I was at work. Often I think it would be easier to be at home when these things occur, at least then you are able to hear and see for yourself, rather than relying on second and third-hand information and patiently waiting for the latest update on the news and radio.
So after a stressful afternoon of fearing the worst I managed to get home fine, hearing on the radio that they had it all under control. It was 4.45pm. My trainer msgd me saying training was still on at 5.30pm.
I can tell you right now, that all I wanted to do was to go to bed. To curl up and be grateful nothing had happened and finally not let me mind run around in circles, imaging what I would do if the worst had happened.
I have also been tired, so so tired. And feel like I am getting a cold. Which does not make me feel any happier.
All these things were running around in my head, even as I went and put my exercise clothes on, grabbed my keys and walked out the door.
She put me through a killer work out, and I came home even more exhausted and tired, and sore. But more importantly PROUD!.
More and more I am winning. I am going to training, and I am killing it.
No I am not as good as some of the other girls that I occasionally train with, but compare to where I was even two months ago, I have come a long way. I am training harder, longer and better. I am more determined.
And all I can put it down to is the fact that when I came back from holidays I decided 2013 was going to be my year and everything just shifted. After all I believed it was my year.
And people are noticing. Mum has noticed, and started to be proud and admire my dedication, rather than constantly watching me put another mouthful away. My work mates are noticing my weight loss, my trainer is thrilled and pushes me harder every day.
And my clothes are getting bigger and looser (?) and I am so happy.
It is tiring and painful. But it is worth it. Finally I can be proud of myself and my body again. :D
Monday, 18 February 2013
The things I should be grateful for..
Anyways, while mum was trying on some clothes that we had picked out for her, me and my sis got to talking about our body shape and sizes. My sister is naturally a size 10 and 165cm tall, where as I am a size 16 and 175cm tall. But surprisingly we realised that we are probably a similar shape (pear) because of where we put on weight. The difference is that I actually put on the weight. :P
Then she said: 'you know you could look like me'. :O Which was a bit of a surprise and shock to me. To even contemplate that I could look like her to be honest had never even occurred to me. Of course it took me a couple of seconds to remember that even if I lost all the weight I wouldn't look like her, for starters I am 10cm taller than her and I have broader shoulders and (I think) hips than her. (But still- wouldn't it be nice to be a size 10 and a flat stomach!)
She also said that she wished she had some of my height.. which of course got me thinking about whether I wanted to be shorter. The answer was a very big 'Hell no!'.
I mean while I hate being taller than most women I know, and quite a few of the men I know, I quite like my height and being tall. I never have to worry about losing people in a crowd or being pushed around too much, and feeling insignificant. I mean there are a lot of things that can make me feel that way, but my height is definitely not one of them.
The other things is, if I was shorter, I would be a lot fatter. I know that doesn't make much sense, I mean you weigh the same no matter your height right? Weight is weight? Except you will notice a petite person puts on 10kgs and you will see it immediately and a taller person? Well because it is spread out so much you don't notice it as much.
I mean, I know that when I tell people how much I weigh, or how much I need to lose, a lot of them are shocked, because for the most part I am only a bit bigger than the average girl. ( Average being size 12-14, and I'm a size 16) Even though I have to lose like 30kgs.
It doesn't seem right does it? Anyways I am grateful I am tall. It means that hopefully when I get down to 75 kgs I will look similar to my sister without having to lose another 10kgs! (One can hope anyway!)
On another note, I have successfully started training an hourx 2 times a week, plus a 45 minute boxing session. I'm walking most days inbetween sessions and have been doing my job around the park before my traing sessions as well. My trainer has noticed a huge improvement in my training and determination, and I am happy to report I have notcied a big improvement as well, around my bust and chest and lower thighs! Formerly clothes that were a bit fitted are now becoming looser and my bras are all over the place! Which is both a good and a bad thing ( I hate bra shopping!!)
So I have decided to start selling off my clothes, I have so many now that I am rarely wearing, and invest in some more work out clothes and bras as I keep dropping weight. I'm also going to try buying clothes that can adapt to me losing weight as well. I don't want to be spending too much money!!
Sunday, 3 February 2013
Family sticks together
Something I realised last night, was that I have a really close family. Not in the sense that we know every aspect of everyones lives. But more that we tend to spend a lot of time together, and through the tough times, we stick together.
This was especially noticeable when last night, after packing up the last of our childhood home we went back and stayed at my sister's house and after dinner mum, my brother and me (and of course the dog) came back and curled up in the room I was sharing with mum.
We didn't talk, we didn't need to do anything. But I think it was important for us to be together and get some space after such a big day.
Me and mum get along quite well, and have done so for a while now. We've moved from that mother-daughter relationship to more of equals over time. My brother is a lot like me, he needs his space, his privacy and is quite sensitive. But he can have his moments, when he will come in and jump on top of me when I'm lying in my bed reading.
Casper, the dog, is part of the family, sometimes more human than dog. He is having a hard time adjusting from his life of sleeping on the couch all day with the occasional run around the dam, to the constant play my sister's puppy wants. But he seems to be coping well, and enjoys walks in the new suburb.
My sister and her partner are a funny pair. My sister is younger than me, but always determined to do things first! She left school in year 11, went and studied Beauty Therapy, and has been working for the last 4 years in different areas. She was the party girl until she met her partner Chris who managed to settle her down, and within a year they had a house, a dog and a bird. Though the bird is gone now...Chris is big on family and friends, always up for something and managed to make himself a member of the family after spending the first night over. ( It was mother's day, he stayed and helped us make the traditional morning breakfast pancakes, and of course helped finish them off!)
I have a father. But I find it hard to think of him as part of this family. He has been away for most of our childhood, and is now divorcing my mother.
Seeing my mother hurt like that cut me to the quick. And having to act tough and tell her to move on, to let go, was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Then of course there is me. The quite, eccentric and blunt older sister. It's funny, because when you see the rest of the family together, except maybe my dad, you can really see the likeness. And they make a good looking family.
I'm the odd one out, I take after my dad's side of the family and am the only one overweight. People often don't realise that me, my sister and brother are related because we all look so different.
This is my family. And I wouldn't change it for the world.
This was especially noticeable when last night, after packing up the last of our childhood home we went back and stayed at my sister's house and after dinner mum, my brother and me (and of course the dog) came back and curled up in the room I was sharing with mum.
We didn't talk, we didn't need to do anything. But I think it was important for us to be together and get some space after such a big day.
Me and mum get along quite well, and have done so for a while now. We've moved from that mother-daughter relationship to more of equals over time. My brother is a lot like me, he needs his space, his privacy and is quite sensitive. But he can have his moments, when he will come in and jump on top of me when I'm lying in my bed reading.
Casper, the dog, is part of the family, sometimes more human than dog. He is having a hard time adjusting from his life of sleeping on the couch all day with the occasional run around the dam, to the constant play my sister's puppy wants. But he seems to be coping well, and enjoys walks in the new suburb.
My sister and her partner are a funny pair. My sister is younger than me, but always determined to do things first! She left school in year 11, went and studied Beauty Therapy, and has been working for the last 4 years in different areas. She was the party girl until she met her partner Chris who managed to settle her down, and within a year they had a house, a dog and a bird. Though the bird is gone now...Chris is big on family and friends, always up for something and managed to make himself a member of the family after spending the first night over. ( It was mother's day, he stayed and helped us make the traditional morning breakfast pancakes, and of course helped finish them off!)
I have a father. But I find it hard to think of him as part of this family. He has been away for most of our childhood, and is now divorcing my mother.
Seeing my mother hurt like that cut me to the quick. And having to act tough and tell her to move on, to let go, was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Then of course there is me. The quite, eccentric and blunt older sister. It's funny, because when you see the rest of the family together, except maybe my dad, you can really see the likeness. And they make a good looking family.
I'm the odd one out, I take after my dad's side of the family and am the only one overweight. People often don't realise that me, my sister and brother are related because we all look so different.
This is my family. And I wouldn't change it for the world.
Monday, 28 January 2013
Saying Goodbye
I am exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. This weekend was a long weekend in Australia, to celebrate Australia Day. Normally a weekend reserved for drinking, BBQ's and swimming.
Saturday wasn't too bad, I decided I didn't want to do too much because I had been helping mum clean up most of the week and knew we would be back into it on Sunday.We're moving house, saying goodbye to our childhood home of the last 14 years.
So I stayed at home and swam in our dam most of the day, then went out for dinner and watched a movie with a couple of friends. It was nice to catch up with them and just get a chance to talk. We have been friends since we were 13 but lately there has been a lot going on in all our lives so it has been getting harder and harder to get together for some decent down time.
Sunday. Wow what a day. We started off slow, slept in and deciding what we wanted to do that day. Then we spent the rest of the morning cleaning and and packing up. Then came the call at lunch time, we are going to move today. TODAY! Bloody hell.
So to back up a bit, we were moving in to my sisters and her partners house in the interim while the divorce goes through and mum finds another house... but not for another week! But my Brother-in-law (to be) decided we might as well do it now while he had the time.
So Sunday saw me, my mum, my sister and her partner packing, stacking, lifting furniture and making trips to the garages where we were storing our stuff and to their house with our more personal items. It was about 8pm by the time we were settled in and by then me and mum were exhausted. We were hot, sweaty, dusty, thirsty and tired. So I bought pizza and we had a few ruskis then went to bed.
Needless to say that sleeping in someone elses house meant that I didn't sleep well at all. Then next morning we were up and cleaning again. I stopped for lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. Then back into it again.
Again, we were so exhausted that we just grabbed what we could to eat from the fridge.
See the pattern?
But do you know what? I am so exhausted I don't care. I can't think about anything else. Today I'm back at work and will hopefully try and stick to my routine and not go buy a bag of chocolates to munch on for the sugar rush. But as for the weekend I am not going to feel guilty. I can't. I am too drained. That can wait until I have the energy and the time to evaluate and think about my eating decisions again.
But don't worry too much. I am going to boxing tonight and will have to take the dogs for a walk. So my exercise is not being affected at least.
Saturday wasn't too bad, I decided I didn't want to do too much because I had been helping mum clean up most of the week and knew we would be back into it on Sunday.We're moving house, saying goodbye to our childhood home of the last 14 years.
So I stayed at home and swam in our dam most of the day, then went out for dinner and watched a movie with a couple of friends. It was nice to catch up with them and just get a chance to talk. We have been friends since we were 13 but lately there has been a lot going on in all our lives so it has been getting harder and harder to get together for some decent down time.
Sunday. Wow what a day. We started off slow, slept in and deciding what we wanted to do that day. Then we spent the rest of the morning cleaning and and packing up. Then came the call at lunch time, we are going to move today. TODAY! Bloody hell.
So to back up a bit, we were moving in to my sisters and her partners house in the interim while the divorce goes through and mum finds another house... but not for another week! But my Brother-in-law (to be) decided we might as well do it now while he had the time.
So Sunday saw me, my mum, my sister and her partner packing, stacking, lifting furniture and making trips to the garages where we were storing our stuff and to their house with our more personal items. It was about 8pm by the time we were settled in and by then me and mum were exhausted. We were hot, sweaty, dusty, thirsty and tired. So I bought pizza and we had a few ruskis then went to bed.
Needless to say that sleeping in someone elses house meant that I didn't sleep well at all. Then next morning we were up and cleaning again. I stopped for lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. Then back into it again.
Again, we were so exhausted that we just grabbed what we could to eat from the fridge.
See the pattern?
But do you know what? I am so exhausted I don't care. I can't think about anything else. Today I'm back at work and will hopefully try and stick to my routine and not go buy a bag of chocolates to munch on for the sugar rush. But as for the weekend I am not going to feel guilty. I can't. I am too drained. That can wait until I have the energy and the time to evaluate and think about my eating decisions again.
But don't worry too much. I am going to boxing tonight and will have to take the dogs for a walk. So my exercise is not being affected at least.
Tuesday, 22 January 2013
Remembering a Conversation
I was remembering a conversation I had while I was in Sweden with my host-sister Emilie.
Emilie was complaining how her mother, Agneta, was telling her that she needed to jump on the diet bandwagon to lose the 4 kilos she had gained over the Christmas and New Year.
This irritated me to no end. This is because a) Emilie was recovering from being depressed and near suicidal b) she wasn't overweight and was still a comfortable size 10 and c) Agneta had had surgery at the beginning of the year to reduce the size of her stomach and had lost 30 kilos.
Ok so the last one probably doesn't make sense to you, but to me here is this mother who had been overweight for almost all of her entire adult life and who had to resort to surgery for her to lose weight. She has done really well and looks amazing BUT she points it out at every opportunity that she has lost weight. And that really annoys me.
Because it's not because of her that she has lost the weight, it's not because of her changing her lifestyle and eating habits, but being forced to. She physically can't eat much. And here is she is telling her daughter who has no weight problems and who is still in a vulnerable mental position to lose weight??! It just makes me mad.
A couple of days later I was watching TV with Agneta (I should point out that I was staying with Agneta and that she is like a second mum to me) and we were watching an American TV show where they match an anorexic with an obese person together and get them to swap diets. I had never seen the show before... anyways we were talking about the show and it came up about how people can be obese/overweight and can't take advice from others. They need to do it themselves.
So of course she brings up Emilie and how she's just trying to help.
Now you should know that I have a big problem with how I come across to people because I don't moderate what I say or how I say it. It's not that I do it on purpose, I just do it without thinking. So more often than not I try to keep my big mouth shut.
This time I couldn't. So I pointed out to her that I know that I am overweight, I know that I need to lose weight BUT that does not mean I want people to tell me to lose weight or offer me advice. They do not understand nor are they me or know what I am doing. That includes my mother. I made my point.
This prompted me to think of all the people who have well-meaning friends and family who constantly ask questions, or are offering advice or trying to help who don't realise just how hurtful and demeaning it is. Like catching you eat a piece of cake and saying "Should you be eating that?"
Often these people have no understanding of how hard it is. Or they think that because they have lost weight that now gives them the right to tell you how you should lose weight. Or what you are doing is wrong.
Sure there are times when advice is exactly what you want and what you need. But often it is not.
Often I just want to be left alone to deal with it myself, and not be reminded that I am not normal, that I am overweight, that I have to watch what I eat and do exercise.
And this makes me realise that dieting and losing weight can often be a lonely road. Not many of my friends need to lose weight or exercise or even eat healthily. So that means that there aren't many people that I feel I can talk to or relate to.
All I can say is thank god for the internet and blogs, where I can get all the advice I need and meet people who I can relate to who share their triumphs and failures.
Thank you to all the weight loss bloggers out there!
<Me and Mum.
Emilie was complaining how her mother, Agneta, was telling her that she needed to jump on the diet bandwagon to lose the 4 kilos she had gained over the Christmas and New Year.
This irritated me to no end. This is because a) Emilie was recovering from being depressed and near suicidal b) she wasn't overweight and was still a comfortable size 10 and c) Agneta had had surgery at the beginning of the year to reduce the size of her stomach and had lost 30 kilos.
Ok so the last one probably doesn't make sense to you, but to me here is this mother who had been overweight for almost all of her entire adult life and who had to resort to surgery for her to lose weight. She has done really well and looks amazing BUT she points it out at every opportunity that she has lost weight. And that really annoys me.
Because it's not because of her that she has lost the weight, it's not because of her changing her lifestyle and eating habits, but being forced to. She physically can't eat much. And here is she is telling her daughter who has no weight problems and who is still in a vulnerable mental position to lose weight??! It just makes me mad.
A couple of days later I was watching TV with Agneta (I should point out that I was staying with Agneta and that she is like a second mum to me) and we were watching an American TV show where they match an anorexic with an obese person together and get them to swap diets. I had never seen the show before... anyways we were talking about the show and it came up about how people can be obese/overweight and can't take advice from others. They need to do it themselves.
So of course she brings up Emilie and how she's just trying to help.
Now you should know that I have a big problem with how I come across to people because I don't moderate what I say or how I say it. It's not that I do it on purpose, I just do it without thinking. So more often than not I try to keep my big mouth shut.
This time I couldn't. So I pointed out to her that I know that I am overweight, I know that I need to lose weight BUT that does not mean I want people to tell me to lose weight or offer me advice. They do not understand nor are they me or know what I am doing. That includes my mother. I made my point.
This prompted me to think of all the people who have well-meaning friends and family who constantly ask questions, or are offering advice or trying to help who don't realise just how hurtful and demeaning it is. Like catching you eat a piece of cake and saying "Should you be eating that?"
Often these people have no understanding of how hard it is. Or they think that because they have lost weight that now gives them the right to tell you how you should lose weight. Or what you are doing is wrong.
Sure there are times when advice is exactly what you want and what you need. But often it is not.
Often I just want to be left alone to deal with it myself, and not be reminded that I am not normal, that I am overweight, that I have to watch what I eat and do exercise.
And this makes me realise that dieting and losing weight can often be a lonely road. Not many of my friends need to lose weight or exercise or even eat healthily. So that means that there aren't many people that I feel I can talk to or relate to. All I can say is thank god for the internet and blogs, where I can get all the advice I need and meet people who I can relate to who share their triumphs and failures.
Thank you to all the weight loss bloggers out there!
<Me and Mum.
Tuesday, 4 December 2012
Confidence
For many years now I have been struggling with confidence. It's something that I know a lot of people struggle with in different ways.
For me it started after I first lost weight. I was young, healthy, fit and had a new found confidence in myself and body. Cue first boyfriend.
I've had two boyfriends. Both of which loved me for who I am, but both brought out the worst in me- unhealthy eating habits, lack of exercise, cuddling up watching movies. So within 2 years I had gained pretty much all my weight back on.
Throughout this time, one of the few things that was remarked upon by friends and families alike was how confident I was, and I realised just how attractive someone who is confident can be.
When I broke up with my last BF and I realised that I had gained all my weight and more back on, my confidence took a dive.
But my pride wouldn't let me admit this. I didn't want to go back to the way I was before. So for the last 3 years I have pretended that I am happy with who I am and that I'm confident and friendly and all of the above, all the while shying away from any male contact.
I mean if I dated then they would actually have to see my body (....eventually.... if things went well). Unclothed. With all my flaws.
Its something that now that I am losing weight and getting fitter and healthier that I have thought about a lot. Will I regain my confidence? Will I be able to let someone in?
So far the answer has been a big fat NO. I have gone out and looked at guys but I can't seem to take the next step.
Lately I have been blaming the stuff going at home (parent's divorcing, moving house, father cheated and left us in debt) I mean who wants to bring someone into that? But as I try to convince mum not to give up hope on all men and that she'll find someone who loves her the way she is, I can't help wondering if I believe the same thing for myself.
But of course I'm to proud to talk about this to friends and family- that would reveal my deep seated fear and lack of confidence, and I can't have that.
For me it started after I first lost weight. I was young, healthy, fit and had a new found confidence in myself and body. Cue first boyfriend.
I've had two boyfriends. Both of which loved me for who I am, but both brought out the worst in me- unhealthy eating habits, lack of exercise, cuddling up watching movies. So within 2 years I had gained pretty much all my weight back on.
Throughout this time, one of the few things that was remarked upon by friends and families alike was how confident I was, and I realised just how attractive someone who is confident can be.
When I broke up with my last BF and I realised that I had gained all my weight and more back on, my confidence took a dive.
But my pride wouldn't let me admit this. I didn't want to go back to the way I was before. So for the last 3 years I have pretended that I am happy with who I am and that I'm confident and friendly and all of the above, all the while shying away from any male contact.
I mean if I dated then they would actually have to see my body (....eventually.... if things went well). Unclothed. With all my flaws.
Its something that now that I am losing weight and getting fitter and healthier that I have thought about a lot. Will I regain my confidence? Will I be able to let someone in?
So far the answer has been a big fat NO. I have gone out and looked at guys but I can't seem to take the next step.
Lately I have been blaming the stuff going at home (parent's divorcing, moving house, father cheated and left us in debt) I mean who wants to bring someone into that? But as I try to convince mum not to give up hope on all men and that she'll find someone who loves her the way she is, I can't help wondering if I believe the same thing for myself.
But of course I'm to proud to talk about this to friends and family- that would reveal my deep seated fear and lack of confidence, and I can't have that.
Tuesday, 9 October 2012
Ball Photos
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| Myself, My sisters friends, and finally my sisters partner and my sister. You can see I have a lot of catching up to do! |
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Breaking free
So this weekend has been a nightmare. Emotions have run high and I have had to face up to a few things. Namely to do with friendships.
So I have been going through a lot lately, home stuff and health stuff. And a lot of that has been affecting how I have been with friends.
Not to say that my friends aren't great. But they have their own problems, and because I know they have their own problems I don't talk to them about my own. Or at least that's what I have been trying to do.
One of my friends lashed out at me over the weekend telling me to grow up and deal with things and to not take it out on her. Which was what I was trying to do, but apparently I hadn't done as good a job of it as I thought.
The problem is that I also think this has been brewing a while, and I'm not sure if it's all to do with me, or a culmination of things and it left me feeling hurt, betrayed and like I couldn't trust my friends anymore.
I mean if I'm not dealing with this as well as I thought and instead of understanding I get anger, then how I am supposed to trust them or talk to them about things. Who am I supposed to talk to about coping or moving on?
So I came to the decision that it was time to take a break from my group of friends. Clearly they need a break from me, and I can't deal with my stuff at home and with friends lashing out at me at things that I can't control. I am who I am, and unfortunately that means I don't bottle things inside from everyone.
The thing is I know that this has been a long time coming. We have known each other since high school, and we have all changed so much, and gone through so much, that we are all different people from when we started this friendship. And I can't help thinking that, what if we have all changed so much, that our friendship is based on the past, and not the present. In which case this time out might make or break our friendships for good.
It might be good to know whether we can still survive this and come out the other end. It might also mean that I lose friends that are no longer there for me or who I have changed so much that we are no longer best friends, but simply friends.
I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything.
So I have been going through a lot lately, home stuff and health stuff. And a lot of that has been affecting how I have been with friends.
Not to say that my friends aren't great. But they have their own problems, and because I know they have their own problems I don't talk to them about my own. Or at least that's what I have been trying to do.
One of my friends lashed out at me over the weekend telling me to grow up and deal with things and to not take it out on her. Which was what I was trying to do, but apparently I hadn't done as good a job of it as I thought.
The problem is that I also think this has been brewing a while, and I'm not sure if it's all to do with me, or a culmination of things and it left me feeling hurt, betrayed and like I couldn't trust my friends anymore.
I mean if I'm not dealing with this as well as I thought and instead of understanding I get anger, then how I am supposed to trust them or talk to them about things. Who am I supposed to talk to about coping or moving on?
So I came to the decision that it was time to take a break from my group of friends. Clearly they need a break from me, and I can't deal with my stuff at home and with friends lashing out at me at things that I can't control. I am who I am, and unfortunately that means I don't bottle things inside from everyone.
The thing is I know that this has been a long time coming. We have known each other since high school, and we have all changed so much, and gone through so much, that we are all different people from when we started this friendship. And I can't help thinking that, what if we have all changed so much, that our friendship is based on the past, and not the present. In which case this time out might make or break our friendships for good.
It might be good to know whether we can still survive this and come out the other end. It might also mean that I lose friends that are no longer there for me or who I have changed so much that we are no longer best friends, but simply friends.
I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything.
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
3 weeks down, 1 week to go!
3 weeks without Chocolate and I am only just starting to look at chocolate without craving and instant drooling. The good news is that my skin has cleared up and with work settling down I don't feel like running to the confectionary aisle every time something goes wrong.
However stress at home is only worsening, as my father has possibly had a minor stroke in the field in a country somewhere in asia. With limited english and medical facilities, its hard to tell whether what we hear is an official diagnosis. Needless to say it has been a living hell and I feel that I am the only one that has at it together. So am feeling very proud of myself as I stop myself from reaching for an entire block of dark chocolate.
However stress at home is only worsening, as my father has possibly had a minor stroke in the field in a country somewhere in asia. With limited english and medical facilities, its hard to tell whether what we hear is an official diagnosis. Needless to say it has been a living hell and I feel that I am the only one that has at it together. So am feeling very proud of myself as I stop myself from reaching for an entire block of dark chocolate.
Monday, 23 April 2012
Chocolate be gone!
Ok, so everyone has that one thing that they love above all else and that tests their will power the most. Mine is chocolate. Whenever something is bad, emotional or just plain boring- chocolate is the answer.
It probably stems from the fact that as a child we weren't really allowed sweets, so it just made having it that bit more desirable.
Safe to say, that now as an adult, with money, I can go buy chocolate whenever I want. Which I have been doing, sad to say. I go through stages, sometimes I'll go for weeks without any and not even mind, sometimes however I'll have to have everyday.
So when everyone started talking about Dry May- you know not drinking for a month, and for some reason they chose May. I decided that going without alcohol was easy, after all I barely drink unless it's a social gathering, but going without chocolate for a month would be hard.
I am now into my second week, and fairing well. It was a struggle over the last couple of days as I have been at a gardening expo for work and have had to deal with a lot of stress and running around, and of course all I wanted to do was to sit down at the end of the day with a large cup of hot chocolate and a couple of blocks of chocolate.
Besides that, I have had a massive blue with my dad, mostly about him being a jerk for putting his family in this situation- almost bankrupt- while he chaces his dream and doesn't care about what it does to the rest of us. That and he threatened to bugger off overseas and leave mum to deal with it unless she cooperated with him. Which is bloody unfair considering he has been cheating on her, for god knows how long, with how many women, who he bought gifts for, but wouldn't take mum on a holiday. So yeah I had a go at him. And now I'm exhausted. I'm just so sick of being the one that has to deal with this. Not saying that the rest of my family is not dealing with it, but I am the only one who seems to hold him accountable for his actions. Mum blames herself and doesn't want to have anything to do with him, and my two siblings love him too much to really say anything. Me- not so much.
To me, my father was the person who always seemed to be away, who never remembered birthdays, who yelled at me for not helping him on the farm when he was home, who expected me to know how to drive without anyone teaching me, and yelling at me for not knowing that I had to put my foot down on the clutch to change gears. He never cared about my school work, friends or life in general. And yet I am to blame for our Father-Daughter relationship. Gee thanks Dad.
But enough of all that. I am not eating chocolate, and am still holding out. And when I am done I will go and shout myself a new hair style I think.. I'm thinking something with violet.. :)
It probably stems from the fact that as a child we weren't really allowed sweets, so it just made having it that bit more desirable.
Safe to say, that now as an adult, with money, I can go buy chocolate whenever I want. Which I have been doing, sad to say. I go through stages, sometimes I'll go for weeks without any and not even mind, sometimes however I'll have to have everyday.
So when everyone started talking about Dry May- you know not drinking for a month, and for some reason they chose May. I decided that going without alcohol was easy, after all I barely drink unless it's a social gathering, but going without chocolate for a month would be hard.
I am now into my second week, and fairing well. It was a struggle over the last couple of days as I have been at a gardening expo for work and have had to deal with a lot of stress and running around, and of course all I wanted to do was to sit down at the end of the day with a large cup of hot chocolate and a couple of blocks of chocolate.
Besides that, I have had a massive blue with my dad, mostly about him being a jerk for putting his family in this situation- almost bankrupt- while he chaces his dream and doesn't care about what it does to the rest of us. That and he threatened to bugger off overseas and leave mum to deal with it unless she cooperated with him. Which is bloody unfair considering he has been cheating on her, for god knows how long, with how many women, who he bought gifts for, but wouldn't take mum on a holiday. So yeah I had a go at him. And now I'm exhausted. I'm just so sick of being the one that has to deal with this. Not saying that the rest of my family is not dealing with it, but I am the only one who seems to hold him accountable for his actions. Mum blames herself and doesn't want to have anything to do with him, and my two siblings love him too much to really say anything. Me- not so much.
To me, my father was the person who always seemed to be away, who never remembered birthdays, who yelled at me for not helping him on the farm when he was home, who expected me to know how to drive without anyone teaching me, and yelling at me for not knowing that I had to put my foot down on the clutch to change gears. He never cared about my school work, friends or life in general. And yet I am to blame for our Father-Daughter relationship. Gee thanks Dad.
But enough of all that. I am not eating chocolate, and am still holding out. And when I am done I will go and shout myself a new hair style I think.. I'm thinking something with violet.. :)
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