My relationship with food

For the longest time food has been a comfort, a friend, a delight. Something to turn to in despair, in happiness, in boredom, in loneliness and in creativeness.

It is because of this of course that I became overweight in the first place. Clearly this sort of relationship is not healthy. You should be able to to turn to friends and activities to help you with these emotions. Should being the key word in that sentence.

Slowly I have been working on changing how I view food. Trying to see it as nourishment- no more, no less.

Of course this has been easy on my good days, when I am happy and light and everything is right in the world. When I am stressed and tired, not so much.

Lately, however ,I have been sick quite a bit. While sick, every mouthful I have eaten has made me regret it later. It has caused me to feel rotten and gross and like my stomach has turned against me.

Because of this I have almost started to view food negatively. To view food as something necessary and not the comfort I have been used to.

I can't say for sure whether this is something permanent. It is only early days yet and my sickness is still fresh in my mind, who knows how I will feel in a month or two when this becomes a distant memory?

I am hoping it is something that sticks. I don't like the way I think of food. I do not like the way I turn to it when something goes wrong. It is this behaviour that could so easily derail me and make gain everything back if something was bad enough.

Let's hope it sticks.

What's in my head

I am a big thinker. I think, I analyse, I think again. Sometimes I will get so sick of thinking that I will just make a snap decision and do something. It's annoying, it's frustrating, it's who I am.

At the moment I have a few things going on in my brain that I just need to get out somewhere.

Dating
Ok, not the topic you were thinking of right? I have started dating again after starting to feel happier about myself and where I am with my body. I have been on a few dates and met some nice guys.. but no spark. No sizzle. No.. anything.

In the past, part of the reason I didn't date much was that I always assumed that the reason I hadn't met anyone was because of me. It was me that needed to be fixed or wasn't quite right or at my best. It was because I was too fat, too shy, liked my books over walks etc etc.

Now I am right back at that same spot again and all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and refocus on getting me 'right'. Fixing all my problems in time to me the right one.

How insane does that sound? And yet I am struggling to not give in again.

Diet
I am struggling more and more with dairy. Everything I eat seems to make me sick, which in turn makes me unhappy and feeling gross which makes me either want to just lay down and not move or find some sort of food that doesn't make me sick.

Plus I have been super stressed and tired lately (Headache's again argh) and this means that I haven't been making lunches and snacks like I normally would. I have been spending a bit more money so that I buy healthier options, but sometimes I just slip.

This doesn't make me happy. I WANT to do better. I WANT to be healthier. I WANT to lose that last bit of weight and get down to a happy size 14. And yet I can't seem to summon up the energy or enthusiasm to be able to follow through.

So I am going to go see a naturopath and see whether they can help me with my dietary problems and hopefully put me on the right path.

Family
I am so sick of my family at the moment. Mostly my Sister and her Partner. They are on a massive health fix at the moment and it is driving me insane.

They will spend up to $250 on food for one person in a week. How insane is that!!!

That's because her Partner is on some high protein diet and he eats good quality steak like 4 times a day. I don't know how he isn't sick of it yet.

It seems to be working for them and I am happy for them. But oh my god I just wish they would be more considerate. They constantly judge us on what food we eat, because it might have some cheese or pasta in it. They cook for themselves and not the rest of us. But when we cook there's a 50/50 chance of them eating. You just never know. It's just not fair.

And it is so frustrating hearing them tell me what I should be doing. Just because they have had some success on a radical fad diet does not mean they have the right or the knowledge to tell me how to lose weight. I am doing it the right way, with diet and exercise and losing weight consistently over long term.

These are just a few of the swirls of thoughts going round my head. There is more, like travel plans, problems with friends, work, work and more work... it just keeps going and I feel like I barely have a chance to breathe and catch up and get myself in a good place again. I feel like I don't have time to relax and concentrate on me. Just me. No one else.

I hope I can find some time soon to stop and relax. To process and refocus. Soon, please.

Something that hurts

Something that always manages to hurt is other people's snide comments about what I eat. They seem to think that because they catch me eating a piece of chocolate or some hot chips that it gives them the right to criticise what I am doing.

They seem to think that just because I am not 100% sugar free, wheat free, dairy free etc etc that I don't eat healthy. That I am not doing 'enough'.

It makes me so angry and then it makes me sad.

Because every time I hear those comments I wonder why I don't push myself more, why I don't make those simply changes. Why I don't go harder, faster, longer...

It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. As if I'm the failure.

Despite going from not exercising at all to exercising 5 times a week.

From constantly snacking in my room after dinner to not snacking after dinner at all.

From barely touching fruit to eating fruit every morning, and feeling weird when I don't.

From skipping breakfast to eating cereal or wholegrain toast with boiled eggs every morning.

From shovelling fast food into me while in my car when I was hungry but too ashamed for anyone to see what I was eating.

From having fast food almost every week to less than once a month.

From drinking soft drink or juice every week to next to nothing.

From cutting back my meat consumption and increasing my fish and vegetables.

From going from someone who was about to go into a size 20 pants to someone who has to now go into a size 16. One size away from my goal.

From someone who was ashamed and disgusted with themselves and what their body looked like to someone who has finally rediscovered their confidence and joy in life. Who is HAPPY and who is HEALTHY and who is constantly improving.

Yes I am not 100% organic, sugar and wheat free. But my god I am a billion times better than what I was .

So SHUT THE F*** UP.

Facing your insecurities

Everyone has insecurities.

Talking with trainer last night and reading some of the blogs I follow this morning really made me think about my insecurities and how I am slowly overcoming them.

I've always been a bigger girl. Gaining weight in high school until I was about 105kgs. Then I went to Sweden for a year as an exchange student and lost 20kgs. I realised a lot about myself while I was over there. A lot about what was really underneath all the layers of fat and shields that I put up around myself.

Yes, shields. The biggest thing I have learnt is that I shield myself from so much because I'm scared of people's judgement and real thoughts about me. So I prevent myself from finding out. From going to the gym and being the only fat person there or being shut down by a guy I might like because he thinks I'm too fat. I have tried to cut myself off from the world.

Now losing weight again and becoming happier, more confident in myself and my strength and resilience means that I am slowly taking those shields down again.

I am trying new things, like burlesque classes. I am meeting new people. I say 'Sure, why not?'  rather than saying 'Are you kidding me?'.

There are still so many insecurities and I want to start addressing them.. starting here in this space where I pour out all the words in my head. So hear goes:

That I'm not strong enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not fast enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not patient enough.
I'm not graceful enough.
I'm not trying hard enough.
I don't deserve it.
I'm not a good enough friend.
I don't write enough.
I don't have enough faith.
I'm not funny enough.
I'm not elegant enough.
I'm not fashionable enough.
I'm don't cook from scratch enough. I'm not organic enough.
I don't 'play' enough.
I'm too scared to let my 'fun' side out in case people don't like me for it.
I'm too responsible.

The list goes on.. but I am slowly working through this. I am trying to set aside me time to address my issues so that I don't take it out on others and myself and derail myself on my weight loss journey.

Emotional Well-Being and Catching up with Friends

I was talking to a dear friend of mine on the weekend. We caught up on Saturday for movies and pizza, I ended up staying the night as I couldn't be bothered driving home at 12pm when I was tired. And then we went to a cafe near the ocean and had breakfast and after heading back to her place we chatted and before I knew it was 4pm!

(Then I had dash off and get home to get myself organised for the week ahead.)

So what has us talking for so long? Well besides family, life, friends, boys and all the usual things that come along, there was also weight loss and emotional well being.

Something that I have been accepting more and more is that I am happy. I am proud of myself, I am happy with the decisions I have been making, I am happy with my exercise and I am happy at where I am in life.

Partly this is to do with my weight loss so far, which while I do not weigh myself, it has become more and more obvious I am losing weight through my clothes and shape.

My happiness with myself is being reflected in my confidence and appearance and also my decisions and how I am with friends with family. Everything else just seems to be so much better. Decisions that might have made me depressed or upset or got me down a year a go are just so much easier to handle, they are just a bump in the road.

It is amazing how everything is interlinked. You look good, you feel good, so you are happy and this affects how you deal with things.

It also goes the other way.

Sadly, my friend is in a similar position to where I was when I first started this journey. She is unhappy, she is depressed, she feels guilty and hates herself for the decisions she makes that mean that she is gaining weight not losing weight, which just makes her more unhappy and everything else in life is just that bit harder and more stressful.

It's exactly how I felt when I first started. It took me a long time of thinking about how hard and long and how I don't have enough time to do anything else etc before I realised I needed to stop thinking and start doing.  That meant I started going to the gym, and when the gym didn't work and I realised I needed something more, I started PT. Best decision I ever made.

So we talked about my journey, how hard it has been and how far I have come and how much it has been worth it. But most of all I made sure she didn't feel judged for how she is and how she is coping. I made her think about little things she could be doing and told her I still make mistakes today. That one day she will just have enough and start making the right steps.

I made sure she knew she could talk to me, that I would understand and not make her feel like a "lazy fat person who obviously doesn't try hard enough" because that's what we all have in the back of heads anyways, that that's what all those "skinny" people think of us. (Whether that is true or not is irrelevant, it's what we think.)

The reality is weight loss is not just about controlled intake and exercise = weight loss. It's about all the emotions and pain that got us there in the first place. And if you don't fix that then you will never maintain your loss once you get there, because you never really understood how you got to be so big in the first place and will make all those mistakes all over again.

I hope that if you have a friend out there that needs help and guidance that you will make them feel loved and understood and not mock them for their weight battles, because we are often our own worst judge and enemy and need support from our loved ones more than anything to help us take the first steps.

The cost of healthy living

Talking with a friend over coffee and breakfast on Saturday morning and as always we end up on the topic of healthy living.

It is something that is very important to both of us, as we both are on a journey to better ourselves.

For my friend, health at the moment is of particular importance as she wants to start a family. Unfortunately she was told that she has poly cystic ovary syndrome (I hope I spelt that right) and needs to lose weight in order to make this manageable and in order to conceive.

This was a huge blow to her, as she has always wanted children and now just when she is in the right spot (partner, home, age etc) her weight is holding her back.

About the same time as she received this news I started personal training and focusing on my weight loss, so when we catch up it is almost a check in and time to go over our mistakes and seek support from one another.

She is probably one of the few friends that I will openly discuss my weight/health journey.

One of the points that we were talking about is that she had just done some sessions with my personal trainer, but because she cannot afford them she won't be going back.

I understand that not everyone has the money to spend on a trainer, I understand that not everyone needs a trainer. But for people like me that do, and I think that my friend does too, it is one of the best things you can do, and well worth the cost.

People often baulk when I tell them how much I spend on training, despite the fact that my trainer is actually quite cheap when compared to many of the others out there. Often when I tell them the cost, the answer I often hear is, "I don't know how you afford it". Which infers that they can't afford it.

Most people (at least the ones I talk to) believe that they can't afford to have a trainer and to eat healthy. The reality is of course, that they can. They are on a similar wage to me, they have similar bills to me, so how is it that I can afford it and they can't. The truth is they can.

When I go into all the benefits, most people will nod their head and agree and then walk away. All they think about is the immediate cost.

So what if it costs a little now? If it stops you from having to buy expensive clothes because you have limited options, if it means that you can play with your children, go out with your friends, enjoy your holidays more, enjoy sitting, walking, climbing stairs easier, take less medication, go to the doctors less, you don't need radical weight loss surgery, or die ridiculously young from a heart attack.

So what if it costs a little now?

My training session costs $30 for an hour, I do that twice a week. That is $60 a week.
I do boxing once a week as well, that is only $10 a session.

That's $70 a week on my health. That doesn't sound like much. That would be less than the amount most of my friends would spend on clothes, alcohol, a night out, dinner, getting their hair done, their nails done, a pair of shoes, their tans, waxing etc

All of which they do without thinking about the cost.

Now I am not saying I do not do some of the above, but the difference is that I put those second to my health. There are ways to to do all of those things cheaper, especially if you cut out alcohol. But even if you do not, you could do some things at home yourself rather than going to a salon.

You could host a party at your house, rather than paying the expensive entry fee and drinks when you go out. You could simply reduce the number of times you go out. You could sell off the clothes/shoes that you no longer wear on ebay or gumtree. You could host a clothes swap with your friends if you are similar sizes- this is a great way to get your hands on those dresses your friends own and you have been eyeing off!

There are a million different ways you can cut costs so that you can afford a healthier lifestyle. Eating organically costs more up front but goes a lot further. A bag of apples will last you all week as opposed to a packet of Tim Tams (chocolate biscuits for those not from Aus) that will disappear in seconds once they're opened.

So next time, think about the costs. Long term and short term. Weigh up what is more important to you, and what you can live without.

Maybe personal training isn't for you and you can go for a jog each day or work out to a DVD instead. That's great! I'm jealous!

But it is important not to trick yourself into thinking you can do it on your own, when you need help, seek it. It is your life, your body and you get to choose what you get out of it. Make sure you make the best decision for you, long term and short term.

Sleepless in Seattle

Ok so I'm not in Seattle. But I am feeling pretty sleep deprived. Last night I swear I woke up every couple of hours. This could be verified by the clock : 11.30, 00.55, 1.30, 2.50, 5.35.. and then alarm at 6am.

However, surprisingly, despite the lack of sleep, I am feeling better than yesterday. Probably because while I am tired, I don't feel like crap. I don't feel like I've derailed and want nothing else but to jump into a bowl of cookie and cream ice cream with mini m&m's ... and here's why...

I had a productive day at work yesterday. I ate my cereal and rice milk. Then went to a meeting and at 2pm had lunch, I had a chicken and salad sandwich on multigrain bread. I had a coke and a piece of chocolate. I came home from work and went to my 45min boxing group, then I went home and took the dog for a 30 min walk.

Afterwards I had a shower, ducked to the shops and came home and made a baby spinach, feta and roasted pumpkin salad with chicken (which is also my lunch today FYI) with a small bowl of oven cooked fries.

So reading that ^^ I know a lot of people would be "That is so unhealthy! I don't understand.." but the thing is I was expecting to it be a lot worse. I expected to go right off the bandwagon. But I didn't. I ate salad, I didn't eat ice cream. I did more exercise than I normally do in one day. And I feel good. I feel like I can get back on track and really start to buckle down again.

I think part of that is because of a few blogs I have been reading, about other people struggling and realising I really am not the only one. And also realising I really am not ready to stop yet. I still have a long way to go, and I really want to get there.

I had lunch with a friend the other day. I love her to bits, we are very similar in many ways, including our struggle with weight. And right now she is at the stage where she doesn't have the time or energy to do anything about it. Which I get completely. But it also really brought home how much I don't want to be in the same position. I want to do this. I want to have a body I am happy with and comfortable with and don't have to feel self conscious about when I am next to my family and friends.

I want to do this.

I want to be healthy. I want to be able to say when I eat a piece of chocolate that it really is my first for the week/month. I want to be able to say that I exercise every day. I want to be able to fit into size 14 jeans. I want to have a flat stomach. I want to feel comfortable in my body. I want to be able to move freely and not breathe heavily after a short jog.

I want to change.

So time to stop the excuses, to stop pretending I'm normal and can get away with eating what I want. Time to actually do the work and get this body in shape!

<<<My friend just sent me this photo from New Years a few years a go ( It was 80's themed)

Tired of perfection

I am so sick and tired of those that seem to be the perfect weight loss loser.

You have more will power than me, you can stick to your diet goals, you're going harder at the gym.

Woohoo good for you. There is no need to brag about it in my face.

I am genuinely happy for you. But don't you dare make me feel as if my weight loss is not good enough.

Just because my journey is different to yours does not mean it is right or wrong. People work through things differently.

I understand that I have a lot of emotions tied to food. And I know it will take time to work through those. Just because I give in to those now or then, or because I seem more relaxed about it does not mean I am not dealing with it.

All I have heard about dieting is that is bad for you. You stick to one restricted plan for too long and you crack. I have heard that almost 95% of dieters regain their weight and then some within 2 years of losing it.

Why? Because they haven't worked through their issues. They lose the will power to stay on something so restrictive and they start to go back to old habits. I have been so good for so long I deserve to have a piece of cake now and then. And so it begins.

That is NOT how I want to be. I want to work through my problems. Find a balance between the food I love and the foods I need. To enjoy and actually want to do exercise. To be able to go out with friends and enjoy the same foods without being judged or judging them.

I want to be normal.

Yes that sounds idyllic. And so many people will say that I am being unrealistic to think I can make any changes without dieting or restricting.

BUT

It has worked for me so far.

I CAN go out. No I don't eat dessert, I make a healthy choice for dinner, and I do NOT feel guilty.
I CAN eat a piece of chocolate when I am tired and stressed.
I CAN enjoy life.
I do NOT need to be good ALL the time.

As long as I exercise more than I eat. Then I am fine. Which is what I plan to keep on doing.
Yes I might hit a plateau and need to change something to keep losing weight. But that does not mean I need to drop everything in my life, go completely organic within a week and then crash and burn within 3 days.

I understand my body, my mentality and what I need to do to make sure I achieve my goals. So congratulations that you have done so well. So have I. Now leave me alone.

Do I fall into that "fat" stereotype anymore?

So after enjoying a nice long weekend, where I went hot ballooning with my mum and then pretty much crashed most of the rest of the weekend. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was sleep. Which to me tells me I really needed the sleep as normally I am one of those people that can just go, go, go.

Anyways as I was laying around the house on Friday afternoon, all I could think about was how it irked me that if I told someone about my weekend all they would think was that I was being a typical "fat" person and being lazy.

Now I know there is no "typical" "fat" person or behaviours, everyone is different and often came to be fat/overweight from different reasons, whether it be medical, physical, emotional or behavioural.

But as I was thinking about this, I tried to summarise how I lived, and whether it would fall into that stereotypical category. Because for some reason I really didn't wanted to be associated with that lifestyle anymore.

So here are a few things which I believe are associated with being fat:

• Watching T.V. - of course everyone does it, but for some reason fat people are associated with it.

Just picture an obese person. What do you get? An overweight man in a sofa with a beer watching telly. Or at least I do.

• Fast Food.- Going through HJ's/ Macca's. I know this is completely unfair but these are the sort of images that come to mind.
• Large servings
• Lack of exercise
• Anti Social behaviours
• Smoking/drinking excessively.
• Snacking-sneakily. This in particulary was a bad behaviour of mine. If noone saw me do it, it was ok.

And now my lifestyle:

I don't drink most of the time. Usually on social/special occasions such as birthdays etc Usually only a glass. (Unless I am being particularly peer pressured.)
I don't smoke.
I don't go through fast food restaurants unless it's 2 am in the morning after being out with friends and I am the DD. Honestly though we're getting a bit old for that, and I can't even remember the last time I did it!

I have my personal training twice a week, and then I also do a large amount of exercise through my job, which is to set up events- so lifting, packing, walking up and down stairs and walking around show grounds etc
If I don't have an event on I try to do something on the weekend, usually taking the dog for a walk, my favourite place is about 15 minutes from where I live and is a national park which has some great trails up and through the bush and hills, so it's not too easy!
This coming weekend I am participating in my 3rd walk for charity event.

Serving sizes is still something I struggle with, mostly because when you live at home, or go out for tea, people are plating up for you, and they tend to be quite large. However I have started to notice that I can leave things on my plate once I am full. This goes against everything I grew up with, but I know I don't need it and now I don't want it either.

Television. TV is a funny one for me. I love movies, I love T.V series. But I hate TV. I can't stand the advertisements and shitty television shows. And somewhere in the past year I have realised that there is no point in wasting my time watching T.V. Sure there will be times that I will sit down with the family and watch a particular show. But mostly I will wait until it comes out on DVD and then watch the DVD. Half the time and double the pleasure of watching it without the ads.

Mostly though I read. To me reading is becoming increasingly rare and outdated and that saddens me. I have read and loved reading for most of my life, and despite most of my job being increasingly online, I hate the idea of reading a book on a e-reader/kindle. Where is the enjoyment in that? 

So now looking at that, looking at how I live, and feel and the things I do, and what I personally associate with being a "fat" lifestyle. Can I honestly say that I fall into that category anymore? Can I blame my lifestyle for my weight? The answer is no. Which only proves just how far I have come.

Revisiting my goals

As I was reading some of the posts from the blogs I follow and I was reminded of my weight loss goals and decided it was time to revisit them. It's not that I haven't been thinking about it, but the fact is my goals have  shrunk to things like doing better in training and eating better day to day. I haven't weighed myself  in quite a while, however my clothes are becoming loose so I know I am staying on track. So keeping that in mind, I estimate that I am about 95ish kgs now- I am basing this purely on which clothes I am fitting back into.


July 1st  8kgs                  Smallest I have been in almost 3 years :(
Challenge: Jog for 5 minutes without panting.
Reward: A new handbag.
So I didn't achieved this goal by the date, however I have lost about 10kgs which is rewarding. It's scary to think this is the smallest I have been in about 3 years! I can jog for 5 minutes but I am still breathing hard -but not exhausted.

August 5th  16kgs
Be able to fit into old “skinny” clothes such as jeans, shorts etc
Challenge: Finish a 8km Obstacle course
Reward: Day Spa Treatment.

So I didn't achieve this goal by the set date either, but I am on my way there! My new goal is:

New Goal:
September 21st*: 16kgs
Challenge: Hold a plank for 1 minute.
Reward: Hour long massage.
*This is the date for my ball, so hopefully by losing this weight I will fit into my ball dress no problems!

Obviously I am not going to reach my goals by my original set dates, but I am still confident that I can make them within the next 6 months. Fingers crossed. And even if I don't, I know I will have made progress which is achievable and long term. Which to me is far more important.

So for the rest of my goals I am just going to set new dates.

October 31st: September 16th  20kgs
As skinny as I was when I came back from Sweden. Time to reminisce!
Challenge: Do 50 "real" push ups.
Reward: Buying a new pair of Jeans. I haven't bough jeans in about 3 years..


November 30th October 28th 25kgs
Uncharted Territory! It’s time to start thinking about where to go from here..
Challenge: Able to do 10 pull ups (lifting my own body weight)
Reward: Burn all of my old clothes! Have a party to celebrate!

January 1st  November 25th  30kgs
SOOOO Close! Time to start thinking about new clothes/style!
Challenge: Go Bungee Jumping
Reward: SHOPPING SPREE!!!

Breaking free

So this weekend has been a nightmare. Emotions have run high and I have had to face up to a few things. Namely to do with friendships.

So I have been going through a lot lately, home stuff and health stuff. And a lot of that has been affecting how I have been with friends.

Not to say that my friends aren't great. But they have their own problems, and because I know they have their own problems I don't talk to them about my own. Or at least that's what I have been trying to do.

One of my friends lashed out at me over the weekend telling me to grow up and deal with things and to not take it out on her. Which was what I was trying to do, but apparently I hadn't done as good a job of it as I thought.

The problem is that I also think this has been brewing a while, and I'm not sure if it's all to do with me, or a culmination of things and it left me feeling hurt, betrayed and like I couldn't trust my friends anymore.

I mean if I'm not dealing with this as well as I thought and instead of understanding I get anger, then how I am supposed to trust them or talk to them about things. Who am I supposed to talk to about coping or moving on?

So I came to the decision that it was time to take a break from my group of friends. Clearly they need a break from  me, and I can't deal with my stuff at home and with friends lashing out at me at things that I can't control. I am who I am, and unfortunately that means I don't bottle things inside from everyone.

The thing is I know that this has been a long time coming. We have known each other since high school, and we have all changed so much, and gone through so much, that we are all different people from when we started this friendship. And I can't help thinking that, what if we have all changed so much, that our friendship is based on the past, and not the present. In which case this time out might make or break our friendships for good.

It might be good to know whether we can still survive this and come out the other end. It might also mean that I lose friends that are no longer there for me or who I have changed so much that we are no longer best friends, but simply friends.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything.