Inspiration: What keeps me going.

There are often days that you just wonder why? Why am I still doing this? Why do I put myself through this for no reason?

Why should I have to watch what I eat? Why should I have to exercise and be sore and tired all the time? Why, why why..

The reality is we know why. Or I know why. Because I didn't take care of my body. I didn't look after it, respect it, give it what it needed and deserved and I ended up overweight and over 100kgs before I took stock of myself and where I was going.

I realised that I did NOT want to be an overweight mother who couldn't run after her kids or who died early from a heart attack. I did NOT want to be the fat friend who constantly missed out on things. I did NOT want to say no because I was ashamed of my body.

And to make that happen means hard work. All the time. It means a lifestyle change, it means never going back.

But there are some days when the doubt creeps in, those days when everything seems too much and you just want a break or give up and cave in to your cravings and indulgences.

On these days it's good to stop, take a breath and remember why you started this journey in the first place.

For me it's about the above. It's also about me fitting into clothes that I've never felt comfortable wearing before (figure hugging clothing, a bikini, sexy lingerie etc) . It's about becoming the person I want to be, the person I see in my head.

I found this really great quote on a postcard today: 

"I want to experience it all. At this very moment. Without hesitation."

Which I think sums it up pretty well what I want- without hesitation. I don't want to hesitate because of my weight or insecurities. And that's why I keep struggling, keep moving, keep exercising and eating well and moving forward. Because one day, I can say that is me.


This is an example of what I would love to look like and wear. Though with a little more curves ;)

Facing your insecurities

Everyone has insecurities.

Talking with trainer last night and reading some of the blogs I follow this morning really made me think about my insecurities and how I am slowly overcoming them.

I've always been a bigger girl. Gaining weight in high school until I was about 105kgs. Then I went to Sweden for a year as an exchange student and lost 20kgs. I realised a lot about myself while I was over there. A lot about what was really underneath all the layers of fat and shields that I put up around myself.

Yes, shields. The biggest thing I have learnt is that I shield myself from so much because I'm scared of people's judgement and real thoughts about me. So I prevent myself from finding out. From going to the gym and being the only fat person there or being shut down by a guy I might like because he thinks I'm too fat. I have tried to cut myself off from the world.

Now losing weight again and becoming happier, more confident in myself and my strength and resilience means that I am slowly taking those shields down again.

I am trying new things, like burlesque classes. I am meeting new people. I say 'Sure, why not?'  rather than saying 'Are you kidding me?'.

There are still so many insecurities and I want to start addressing them.. starting here in this space where I pour out all the words in my head. So hear goes:

That I'm not strong enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not fast enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not patient enough.
I'm not graceful enough.
I'm not trying hard enough.
I don't deserve it.
I'm not a good enough friend.
I don't write enough.
I don't have enough faith.
I'm not funny enough.
I'm not elegant enough.
I'm not fashionable enough.
I'm don't cook from scratch enough. I'm not organic enough.
I don't 'play' enough.
I'm too scared to let my 'fun' side out in case people don't like me for it.
I'm too responsible.

The list goes on.. but I am slowly working through this. I am trying to set aside me time to address my issues so that I don't take it out on others and myself and derail myself on my weight loss journey.

Is it worth the guilt?

So lately I have been taking a step back from eating and weight loss. Mostly because I just can't summon up the energy to deal with it all.

I just want to be relaxed and happy and constantly feeling guilty isn't helping.

I mean do I want to over think everything I eat and worry about every bad thing that I put into my mouth? Or think about the consequences of just enjoying myself? NO.

That's just not realistic, or normal, or healthy. And I don't want that.

I am a long way from where I was. I am fitter and exercise more than I probably ever did and am even looking at increasing that after my holiday over Christmas.

I am eating more vegetables and fruit and cut out so much- lollies, chocolate, chips, sugary drinks, fast food.

That doesn't mean I don't ever eat the above, but compared to having something from all of the above every day, I am eating MAYBE one of the above a couple times a week. (Mostly chocolate. Dam that delicious goodness!)

That's good isn't it? Yet I am constantly thinking about how I shouldn't have had those dip and crackers, or those two pieces of chocolate, or that wine. But I did. So deal with it.

I am sick of second guessing myself and making myself feel even worse about something that to many others is just normal eating habits!

So I am taking a step back and just trying to enjoy myself and not over think it too much. This does not mean I am going to lapse back into old habits and all that ( I don't think I could even if I wanted too!) it just means I have to accept I am not perfect and that I can only improve.

I mean for heaven's sake- I am only 23!

Breathe.

Yes I want to lose weight. But I want to do it long term. I don't want to do something drastic and shock my system and lose a massive amount of weight only to put it all back on again when I resume normal eating habits. How is that healthy? How is that going to help me?

It's not. So this is me taking a step back and a deep breathe and try and look at things from a new perspective.

Tired of perfection

I am so sick and tired of those that seem to be the perfect weight loss loser.

You have more will power than me, you can stick to your diet goals, you're going harder at the gym.

Woohoo good for you. There is no need to brag about it in my face.

I am genuinely happy for you. But don't you dare make me feel as if my weight loss is not good enough.

Just because my journey is different to yours does not mean it is right or wrong. People work through things differently.

I understand that I have a lot of emotions tied to food. And I know it will take time to work through those. Just because I give in to those now or then, or because I seem more relaxed about it does not mean I am not dealing with it.

All I have heard about dieting is that is bad for you. You stick to one restricted plan for too long and you crack. I have heard that almost 95% of dieters regain their weight and then some within 2 years of losing it.

Why? Because they haven't worked through their issues. They lose the will power to stay on something so restrictive and they start to go back to old habits. I have been so good for so long I deserve to have a piece of cake now and then. And so it begins.

That is NOT how I want to be. I want to work through my problems. Find a balance between the food I love and the foods I need. To enjoy and actually want to do exercise. To be able to go out with friends and enjoy the same foods without being judged or judging them.

I want to be normal.

Yes that sounds idyllic. And so many people will say that I am being unrealistic to think I can make any changes without dieting or restricting.

BUT

It has worked for me so far.

I CAN go out. No I don't eat dessert, I make a healthy choice for dinner, and I do NOT feel guilty.
I CAN eat a piece of chocolate when I am tired and stressed.
I CAN enjoy life.
I do NOT need to be good ALL the time.

As long as I exercise more than I eat. Then I am fine. Which is what I plan to keep on doing.
Yes I might hit a plateau and need to change something to keep losing weight. But that does not mean I need to drop everything in my life, go completely organic within a week and then crash and burn within 3 days.

I understand my body, my mentality and what I need to do to make sure I achieve my goals. So congratulations that you have done so well. So have I. Now leave me alone.