My relationship with food

For the longest time food has been a comfort, a friend, a delight. Something to turn to in despair, in happiness, in boredom, in loneliness and in creativeness.

It is because of this of course that I became overweight in the first place. Clearly this sort of relationship is not healthy. You should be able to to turn to friends and activities to help you with these emotions. Should being the key word in that sentence.

Slowly I have been working on changing how I view food. Trying to see it as nourishment- no more, no less.

Of course this has been easy on my good days, when I am happy and light and everything is right in the world. When I am stressed and tired, not so much.

Lately, however ,I have been sick quite a bit. While sick, every mouthful I have eaten has made me regret it later. It has caused me to feel rotten and gross and like my stomach has turned against me.

Because of this I have almost started to view food negatively. To view food as something necessary and not the comfort I have been used to.

I can't say for sure whether this is something permanent. It is only early days yet and my sickness is still fresh in my mind, who knows how I will feel in a month or two when this becomes a distant memory?

I am hoping it is something that sticks. I don't like the way I think of food. I do not like the way I turn to it when something goes wrong. It is this behaviour that could so easily derail me and make gain everything back if something was bad enough.

Let's hope it sticks.

Retreat

It's hard for me to face the world. All I want to do is block it all out and focus on my thoughts. To try and figure myself out before I deal with people and their comments and looks and judgement.

It doesn't matter whether the comments are said out loud. It's all in a look, a gesture, a raised eyebrow or a turning away. That disappointment. They are disappointed in me.

Recently I took the plunge and joined online dating. After about 2 months, I've deleted my profile. I just can't handle it. The talking, the getting to know someone, developing that connection and finally meeting them. Then disappointment.

They are nice, they are sweet, they still talk to me and we become friends. But I am not what they are looking for, I am not what they are expecting. I am a disappointment, a failure.

It doesn't matter whether that's realistic or not. Whether I am imagining things, or whether I am being over the top. It's the first thing that comes into my head and it's the feeling that has accompanied almost all my dates.

No more. I am sick of this feeling. Sick of failing or the looks. Of being heartsore and lonely.

Enough is enough.

Enough moping. So you haven't met someone? So what. That just means more time with your friends, more time with family, more time working on your dream body and exercising and embracing life.

So what if people look at you for being the 'single' friend. The loner. Screw them. Life is meant to be lived, not spent waiting around for someone to make you feel 'special'.

So right now, it may look like I am retreating from the world, from dating and men. Again. But this time I am retreating in order to regroup, refocus and channel my energy. On me. The one who actually needs it.

Something that hurts

Something that always manages to hurt is other people's snide comments about what I eat. They seem to think that because they catch me eating a piece of chocolate or some hot chips that it gives them the right to criticise what I am doing.

They seem to think that just because I am not 100% sugar free, wheat free, dairy free etc etc that I don't eat healthy. That I am not doing 'enough'.

It makes me so angry and then it makes me sad.

Because every time I hear those comments I wonder why I don't push myself more, why I don't make those simply changes. Why I don't go harder, faster, longer...

It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. As if I'm the failure.

Despite going from not exercising at all to exercising 5 times a week.

From constantly snacking in my room after dinner to not snacking after dinner at all.

From barely touching fruit to eating fruit every morning, and feeling weird when I don't.

From skipping breakfast to eating cereal or wholegrain toast with boiled eggs every morning.

From shovelling fast food into me while in my car when I was hungry but too ashamed for anyone to see what I was eating.

From having fast food almost every week to less than once a month.

From drinking soft drink or juice every week to next to nothing.

From cutting back my meat consumption and increasing my fish and vegetables.

From going from someone who was about to go into a size 20 pants to someone who has to now go into a size 16. One size away from my goal.

From someone who was ashamed and disgusted with themselves and what their body looked like to someone who has finally rediscovered their confidence and joy in life. Who is HAPPY and who is HEALTHY and who is constantly improving.

Yes I am not 100% organic, sugar and wheat free. But my god I am a billion times better than what I was .

So SHUT THE F*** UP.

Working-out.

I don't often post about what sort of work outs I do each week, mostly because I assume people are aware of the different work outs you can do and because this blog is pretty much just for me to blurt out all my feelings about weight loss.

So lately I have been working out quite a bit. Well at least for me I have. I have been doing 2 x hour PT sessions a week, 2 X GX Boxing sessions and when I miss one as I have had to work late, I have been doing a stairs session.

PT

This is amazing. I changed from going to the gym to getting a PT over a year ago now. I started doing just 2 x 30 minutes a week and I could immediately tell the difference between PT and going to the gym. Unless you're dedicated, motivated and educated in the different exercises you can and should do, I feel like the gym can be a bit of waste of time.

For example I would go to the gym 3x a week, work out for at least 45 minutes and just do cardio, bike riding mostly. Just because I thought that would be what burnt calories and what I was comfortable doing. I definitely wasn't comfortable doing weights or classes and I always tried to go to the gym at off peak times to avoid being seen by others. Yes I was afraid of being judged.

PT pushes me, it challenges me to do things with my body that I would never have thought of doing. It has shown me time and time again that I am capable of more than I thought I was. It makes me feel strong and healthy and I keep going back despite the pain haha. This means to me that this is right for me.

Starting this year I stared doing 2x 1 hour session after some pushing from my trainer. My trainer thought I wouldn't come back after my hour session! But I realised that I could do it and that I needed to constantly push myself to keep going and not plateau. This is where GX came in.

 

GX Boxing

GX is a form of high intensity boxing. Or rather exercising using boxing moves. So no fighting in the ring! We do several punch/kick combinations, each one 3 times and rotating with your partner. (You hit, they hit etc) The first time is to get used to the moves, the second is for strength (hit as hard as you can) and third for speed.

After your punches/kicks we always end with 2 minute knock out rounds. This is where my trainer (who runs these classes) chooses 3 exercises and we have to do each one for 2 minutes. This could be squats, lunges, burpees, push ups, planks, sit ups etc etc it changes constantly.

It is amazing and sweaty and makes you feel strong and powerful and even 6 months in I still feel it the next day.

Stairs

Stairs is something I have only recently started doing. Again from being pushed by my trainer. She runs a class on Thursday nights at the local stairs (30 steps approx). Usually we do something like 5 (up and down) stairs then push ups. 5 stairs, tricep dips, 5 stairs something else. Usually about 25-30 stairs before ending with an ab workout.

It is exhausting and I hate it. But it is a great work out and means that I can keep doing 4 sessions a week even if I miss one of my other classes.

The main thing I love about these work outs is that they challenge me. I never feel like something is getting too easy, because the work outs are always changing and getting harder.

I also love the mix of weights and cardio. I love weights and I hate cardio, but I know I need to do cardio as well. I feel like I am building muscle and losing fat and slowly cardio is getting easier for me. Easier not Easy!

Last night I tried on some pants that I kept from when I was at my smallest. I can now get them up over my thighs but I cannot do them up. Needless to say I had mixed feelings. Joy that I could get them up so far and am so close to being back to where I used to be and disappointment that I was so small and let myself go and am still not at that point anymore.

Ah well. I am probably healthier and stronger mentally and physically than I was anyway. Always look on the bright side!

Facing your insecurities

Everyone has insecurities.

Talking with trainer last night and reading some of the blogs I follow this morning really made me think about my insecurities and how I am slowly overcoming them.

I've always been a bigger girl. Gaining weight in high school until I was about 105kgs. Then I went to Sweden for a year as an exchange student and lost 20kgs. I realised a lot about myself while I was over there. A lot about what was really underneath all the layers of fat and shields that I put up around myself.

Yes, shields. The biggest thing I have learnt is that I shield myself from so much because I'm scared of people's judgement and real thoughts about me. So I prevent myself from finding out. From going to the gym and being the only fat person there or being shut down by a guy I might like because he thinks I'm too fat. I have tried to cut myself off from the world.

Now losing weight again and becoming happier, more confident in myself and my strength and resilience means that I am slowly taking those shields down again.

I am trying new things, like burlesque classes. I am meeting new people. I say 'Sure, why not?'  rather than saying 'Are you kidding me?'.

There are still so many insecurities and I want to start addressing them.. starting here in this space where I pour out all the words in my head. So hear goes:

That I'm not strong enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not fast enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not patient enough.
I'm not graceful enough.
I'm not trying hard enough.
I don't deserve it.
I'm not a good enough friend.
I don't write enough.
I don't have enough faith.
I'm not funny enough.
I'm not elegant enough.
I'm not fashionable enough.
I'm don't cook from scratch enough. I'm not organic enough.
I don't 'play' enough.
I'm too scared to let my 'fun' side out in case people don't like me for it.
I'm too responsible.

The list goes on.. but I am slowly working through this. I am trying to set aside me time to address my issues so that I don't take it out on others and myself and derail myself on my weight loss journey.

The "Cure".

Diet pills, drugs, hormones .. We all hear about these being developed every single day. That scientists are that bit closer to discovering why people are obese and how to cure it. I come across these articles (like the one below) almost every day as I scan the news.

http://www.health.ninemsn.com.au/healthnews/8548709/obesity-could-be-in-the-head

I understand that to many obesity is a disease, and as such it has a cure.

However I am of the mindset that no amount of drugs can "cure" obesity. That is up to the individual.

I also believe that if all the people who are obese sat around waiting for this cure, then nothing is every going to change. Lets face it, if a cure is to be found, it is going to take years of research and testing before being able to used safely by humans.

So why am I talking about this? Because people need to realise that while there is support and options out there for people wanting to lose weight, it is not going to happen by itself. You need to get up and moving NOW not tomorrow, or next week, on Monday, on your birthday, in the new year.. those are just excuses to prolong the inevitable.

AND it is going to be hard, long and painful. Emotional, scary and absolutely 120% worth it. There is no quick fix, no short term cure, no drug that will make it all go away. As the old saying goes, No Pain No Gain.

What is also scary, is that if you do not actually try to understand the reason why you are obese and make changes behaviourally and psychologically not just physically, then you are more than likely to gain the weight back on.

"There is data to suggest that up to 90 percent of people will go on a diet and do exercise and within a year, they have relapsed to their old weight –– our bodies are designed to defend a set weight,"

(that was from the article above)

The reason behind this is because while you have stuck to the equation of a diet (exercise more than what goes in your body) eventually you will stop, you will go back to old habits, old behaviours and the things that made you gain weight initially. Maybe you don't put on as much weight, or maybe you do change your behaviours after you have lost the weight through a diet. But essentially you have to CHANGE for it to become permanent.

As I said, there is no quick fix or easy solution. Each person is different, and every person has different reasons, and once we source those reasons THEN we can begin to the journey to start out all again, and do it RIGHT.

For ourselves, for our friends, for our family, for our future, we need to make a start NOW.

It's time to get Serious: Monday training

So I tried on my ball dress again last week. While I have had progress, I still have a bit to go. So I mentioned this to my trainer on Friday, and the results were Monday's training session.

Not sure if I'm going to regret my decision to tell her- time will tell!

So yesterday I did a similar session to the one in my Training with a capital T post.

I had to do 10 of each exercise, as fast as I can and then do it all over again!

So to warm up I did a 5 min jog on the treadmill. Then it was straight into it.

The exercises were:

Burpees: (including push up and sand bag). So starting standing up, jump out until your in a push up position, push up, jump back in, grab the sandbag and push that all the way over your head. Bring the sandbag back down to the ground. That's one.

Squats: Move the sandbag back to behind your head so it rests on your shoulders. Settle into a squat and as you come back up jump a little keeping the balls of your feet on the floor. Repeat.

Pushups: You should know how to do these :P

Sit ups: Not your average sit up. Bring your knees up off the ground and then try to reach your ankles. This one is a killer. I feel it EVERY time.

Leg drops: So moving into a crab like position, with your hand facing your knees, and your facing the ceiling, lift one of your legs off the ground until it is out straight then slowly lower it until you butt almost- but doesn't- touches the ground. Put it back down and swap legs.

Knee tucks: You should know these as well.

Lunges: My worst enemy. I just don't have any balance!!

Sit ups: I'm not sure exactly what you call this, but your on your back and with your legs up in the air -picture yourself in an L shape. Then you lower your legs as far as you can without touching the ground and bring back up. 1. Now do the other 9!

Plank Jacks: So your in a push up position, then imagine you're doing a star jump. Hold your core tight and jump your legs out, and then in. This one really works your core and used to be one that I struggled with a lot!

Quarter burpees: Last one! So start by bending over and touching the ground, then jump your legs out as far as you can, then jump back in. That's one.

This one was the one I hated the most!! Everything else I could move through but this one killed.

Afterwards it was straight into a 5 min jog which she slowly brought the time down so that eventually by 3 min I was walking.

This was a great session and I was really proud of myself, there were times when I just wanted to say I couldn't do it, I was too tired, I'd had enough, instead I just took a deep breathe, calmed myself down and got stuck back into it.

Now for Wednesday's session.. now there's a session I'm not looking forward too! I am going to be on the rower and then every time I take a break I am going to be doing stomach exercises, back on the rower, break to stomach exercises.

She also said that she might throw in some boxing moves, which I am very excited with as I used to do twai won do when I was in high school and really enjoyed it.

Oh and homework! She recommended I did these at home. Planks- holding yourself in a push up position (bum down) for as long as possible. Eventually building yourself up to 45 seconds to 2 mins! Side plank jacks- similar thing except your resting on one arm and your toes lifting your body up and hold. Repeat on the other side. 

Now these she said would get your tummy flat! So for all those girls out there who dream of a flat tummy- this is your answer. Not sit ups, which build and strengthen your core, but Planks. And they HURT! But hey it's worth it!.

Training with a capital T.

So I had personal training last night, and all day I was like "I'm sore, I'm tired, I really don't want to go to training". But I did. Because I know it's good for me, and because I am starting to see results, and on the way home from work, thinking about that, I was like "You know what? I am tired, I am sore, and I have been sick and haven't being giving it my all this last week. So today I am going to go HARD."

So I did. But I swear my personal trainer had the same thoughts as me because crikey did she have a work out planned! I have to say I am very pleased with myself, I did more than I thought I would and I didn't need to stop as much as I normally would. I think my trainer was happy - and so was I . I was proud of what I had done.

So to give you an idea of the work out I did, and also because most of these can be done at home, and because I'm thinking of doing some at home in my spare time- but if I don't write them down I'll forget them all!!

So what it was was a circuit basically, with 50 seconds doing as many of the exercises you can and then a 20 second break. You do the circuit twice. (Or more, but I only train for 30 minutes, with 5 min warm up, 5 min cool down and stretch)

Exercise 1. 4 Sumo squats, 4 lunges. Repeat as many times within the 50 seconds.

A sumo squat is a deeper, wider squat which instead of going straight into the next squat after you come back up, you bring one leg up as high as you can and back down. Squat, come back up and then bring your other leg out and as high as you can. So basically you kind of look like a sumo as they're getting ready to wrestle. =P

Exercise 2. 2 Push ups, turn it into a burpee and tuck jump. Repeat.

So push ups everyone gets- then you have to jump in with your legs, jump up and tuck your legs up to your knees and then down. Repeat.

Exercise 3. She calls these the "Crab" . Repeat.

So the crabs is where you are in a bend back position ( so basically you look like your a weird table facing the roof) and then you have to bring your arm up and the opposite leg up to touch. Repeat on the other side.

WARNING: THIS ONE WAS HARD!! ( At least for me, I think this one was the one I struggled with the most!!)

Exercise 4. 6 Hikers (?) not sure exactly the name and 6 star jumps. Repeat.

So your on the ground in a push up position ( a real push up!) and then you pretend your climbing a ladder, bringing your knee up counts as 1. Then you jump up and do star jumps. Repeat.

Exercise 5. Sit ups with a medicine ball. Repeat.

So a normal sit up except you start with the medicine ball on the ground behind your head with your arms fully stretched out, then bring the medicine ball to your feet. Repeat. I started with a 5kgs medicine ball and then I used a 7kg for the next one to make it harder. Yes that was my choice!! ( what was I thinking??)

Exercise 6. These she called "Get ups". Repeat as many as you can in 50 seconds.

So you start on your back with a 3-5 kg weight in your arm. Your arm is held straight up in the air. You now have to get up onto your feet while keeping that arm straight! ( This is hard- just because the urge to bend your arm is so hard to resist!!) anyways once you get back up, you have to get back down. Once you're back on the ground in the position where you started you swap arms and then do it all again!

Exercise 7. So another version of a squat. You hold a sand bag at chest height - do five squats and as you stand up, push the sand bag up over your head. Bring back down as you move into a squat. After that stay in the squat and do 5 mini squats- so basically don't stand fully up. Repeat as many as you can in 50 seconds.

Exercise 8. Another version of a sit up.

Lie on your back, bring your legs up so that so that your knees are bent. Then try and touch your ankles. Repeat as many times as you can in the 50 seconds.

There were two more exercises, but now I can't remember them! Ah well. You get the idea. At the end of the training I felt like I was a wet rag. My limbs were really loose and floppy ha ha

But as you can see the majority of these would be great to do at home- if you don't have the weights I'm sure you could substitute it with something else that weighs the same.

Another exercise which I love targets your love handles. AND it's not hard!! But boy do you feel it the next day! So your standing and you have a weight (or a tin is what my trainer suggest if you're at home) in one hand, you basically just lower the weight until you have fully stretched the other side. Repeat 10 times and then swap sides. It's that easy! :)

Anyone got some good exercises that they do at home in between sessions?

The dreaded JEANS battle.

So after the last 5 weeks of Personal TrainingI have been feeling amazing- sore- but amazing. As if I am finally found that thing that could get me to my goal weight. Which is great! Because of that I have been more positive and feeling great and feeling like my clothes have been fitting better and all those nice things that comes from more confidence and a slightly better body shape.

Then came Sunday. So Sunday I went shopping with Mum when she suggests I buy some JEANS. Yes, JEANS. Yes it is winter here, and bloody freezing atm, but I have not bought JEANS since 5 years ago when I was at my lowest weight of 80kgs. I have since refused to buy JEANS because of the dreaded task of finding out what size I REALLY am. I mean leggings and stockings and all that don't really have sizes, but JEANS, now they have a number which tell you whether you're skinny or your not.

So in my new found confidence bliss, I said YES. (IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT). Now I am a pear. Which means my bottom half is always going to be bigger. At my skinniest I could fit into size 12 tops, and size 16 jeans. Now I'm probably and 14/16 on top (depending on the top of course) and now that I have tried on JEANS again I know I am about a size 18 on bottom.

Now being size 18 isn't actually a problem for me, I have been much bigger ( size 20- 22) and I know that means I am only two sizes away from my goal JEAN size, size 14. Still. All that wonderful confidence bliss went out the window when I realised I was a size 18, and not even a good size 18, where they look amazing and you can imagine losing a couple of kilos and you'll be a 16. I mean button straining across the stomach size 18. Sigh.

Then came personal training on Monday. And all this was bubbling around in my head, how after all this hard work and I still can't look good in JEANS. Because while I am doing it all for fitness and health and those nice reasons. My one vain dream of losing weight is that I want to look good in a pair JEANS.

So a little background on me and my relationship with the dreaded denim pants aka JEANS.
Being a bigger girl always, and being a pear shaped bigger girl, and being a tall pear shaped bigger girl, meant that finding a pair of Jeans that actually fit, comfortably and looked good and came down to the back of my heel instead of some sort of ankle cut offs was IMPOSSIBLE. I never ever looked good in Jeans and was comfortable at the same time. Always the dreaded camel toe, or too tight, or too short would come into it. And then of course I was always so uncomfortable with my size to go into other shops other than department stores, so there goes any cool designer Jeans like my friends. So some time in my late teens entering adulthood I just stopped wearing Jeans- and wallah the whole issue with sizes and putting myself through that self hate that comes with trying on several pairs of Jeans and only the biggest most stretchiest ones fit.. ENDED. It was great.

Which means of course that I am filled with the longing of having something that I can't have.. a nice pair of fitted JEANS that look good on me.

ANYWAYS... back to training on Monday. SO basically I went as hard as I could go. And almost ended up on the floor crying. It was just so hard, and the harder it was the more I realised how unfit I was and how far I had to go. I mean I don't expect to get results within a month but I realised that even if I have come a long way, I still have an even longer way to go to get to the fitness level I want to be at.

SO now to decide whether to forget that the JEANS incident ever happened and go back to happy confidence bliss or to try and use it to motivate me to train harder while inside I'm still sad and disappointed that I haven't achieved my goals. Sigh.

What would you do?