Been a while

Hard to believe but I'm still here seeing as I haven't blogged in a while. Life has been so busy this past year that I just haven't felt the need to blog and just been enjoying myself.

So much has changed. I'm happier, less stressed. I've cut back on work and moved in with partner of 1 year. Reduced my travel time to work and went on an amazing trip to Japan.

In many ways I am in a completely different spot to last year.

And yet I'm still fat.

This is what has been bugging me lately. I'm happier, less stressed, eating better and I'm still fat. It's very frustrating.

As this is now the one thing I don't have 'right' in my life, it's come to the forefront a lot lately. I tried the gym for a short while, and as much as I love a good workout and feeling sweaty and strong, I just didn't enjoy it enough to stay consistent. I get bored really easily and don't know enough different exercises to change it up.

You could take that as an excuse if you like. But I'm trying to find something I can stick with long term, which means finding something I enjoy enough to keep going. So I cancelled the gym and have been focusing on walking the dog before and after work, which is something I enjoy and find really meditative. I feel alert when I get to work in the morning and helps me wind down in the evening.

I've also started the 30 day squat challenge and another one for abs. Which I find simple enough and easy enough to fit in each day at home. I think I'll look for some more challenges once I've finished these.

On top of this I'm looking into a PT once a week to help kick off the weight loss, and some classes that I can take with my partner which we'll enjoy and count as spending time together. So far looking at dancing classes, martial arts or some kind of sport.

While doing these I'm just focusing on enjoying life and trying to eat as well as I can.

What's new with you?

Cravings, portion control and in tune with my body.

I touched on this briefly my last post. But I honestly feel like I have finally started feeling in tune with my body. Hard to believe, I know.

What I am talking about is the art of realising when one is full. Of knowing when you are actually hungry and when you are bored. Of sitting down and enjoying meals and not picking constantly throughout the day. Of not eating just for the sake of it being 8am, 12pm, 6pm.

I am constantly surprised by this. Mostly because I am so used to eating all the time. To be constantly looking for the next meal. To have snacks and food surround me for fear of hunger.

Now it is different. Slowly but surely I am learning to actually listen to my body. What makes it feel good, what doesn't. Coffee my warm friend in the morning, is actually becoming a turn off as the heavy weight of the milk hits my stomach and makes me feel gross. Grapes I am loving at the moment. Same with banana and peanut butter on toast (random I know, but great when I get sick of eggs or porridge).

Once upon a time I looked forward to the weekend so that I could enjoy a massive cooked breakfast ( I love eggs). Now I can't even get through the same size plate. Instead I enjoy eggs with avocado on toast. Occasionally bacon for a guilty pleasure.

Cooked chicken from the super market actually makes me feel sick.

I still enjoy 'the good stuff'. I still occasionally over eat, as I adjust my eyes to that of my stomach and learn to say, 'I'm full'. But it is slowly but surely happening.

I am also delighted that my new partner has been very supportive. Happy to encourage me to do better, but appreciating me for who I am now. It's nice to have that encouragement come from a place of love. Too many people 'mean well' but their comments hurt rather than help.

So watch this space. Maybe 2015 will be my year after all!

2015 Update- Being Normal!

Been a while since I posted here. A bit has changed in my life. For starters, I am in relationship for the first time in 5 years. He also has a daughter, so my life has suddenly gotten a lot more complicated. Especially with him working away and living over an hours drive away. Suddenly I have to be a lot more careful with planning so that we can group our time together to save us from travelling so much.

But I am happy and so far most of my days have been filled with joy and sweet memories. It's a nice feeling after being alone for so long.

I am conscious however of the last time I was in a relationship and how easy it was to give up my way of eating and lifestyle and just go with the 'easy' options. Of trying to keep up with the partners eating habits and just putting on weight while they remained skinny (Men. sigh.).

But first an update on the hypnotherapy, it has been going really, really well. No longer do I feel the constant ravenous craving for chocolate or sweets. No longer do I have a constant battle in my head to resist sugar and only to cave as soon as I become to tired to resist.

Instead I am reaching for healthy foods. Or simply no longer as hungry any more. I am finding that I put more food on my plate than I can actually eat. Often half way through something I'll suddenly realise I am no longer hungry/want to eat anymore and just stop.

I have had chocolate, but it does not give me the same satisfaction that it used to. Instead I find myself disappointed and wondering why I was ever addicted.

It is a strange feeling for someone who has for most of their life constantly snacked. Constantly sought out the next meal. Constantly thinking of food. Constantly wanted chocolate. And now I'm not.

So now I am taking it as it comes and trying to not over think it and ruin what my body is doing naturally. Instead I am trying to focus on making sure I have healthy foods around me and on other things that can benefit my health like exercise, sleep and relaxation. I'm finding I know my limits a lot better now so trying to push my limits on exercise while making sure I keep well within my limits of sleep and relaxation.

I can't say that I can see progress in scales yet but I think that as my body realises this is what it is now (for good), it will slowly decrease. Really it doesn't matter as I am happy to simply not be a slave to food and be 'normal'. =)

This weekend was glorious

I had an amazing weekend. I managed to get done pretty much everything I meant to, did some great relaxing activities, caught up with friends, spent time in the sunshine and even baked!

I painted, I read, I watched movies, I did the cleaning, ironing and even managed to fit in a few walks with the dog.

It left me feeling relaxed, satisfied and proud. I didn't feel stressed, or that I didn't make the most of my weekend. I embraced it and enjoyed it and had plenty of downtime to boot.

It's coming back to priorities and what really makes me happy. Do I really want to spend all weekend eating junk food and watching movies? Does that make me happy? Leave me feeling satisfied? Or does it make me feel bad about myself, make me feel like I've wasted my weekend and created a binging cycle where I hate myself even more for the way I look.

I've started identifying the things that really make me happy and making sure I include these in my weekend. Sure I may have to work, or do some chores around the house, or do some of those mundane things. But the key is to make sure I block out some 'me' time. And not just wait for it to happen, but be proactive about it and make sure it happens and include things I really want to do.

And what do I really want to do? Spend time outdoors in the sun. Play with my dog. Talk with friends. Enjoy a good coffee. Be pampered. Explore around me.

I don't want to be sick, tired, sore and watch life pass me by. That is not what I want to be like.

Sure some people might say that I'm watching life pass me by because I don't go out on a Saturday night. But if going out, getting dressed up, being splilt drinks on, coming home, tired, seedy and gross is what entails going out and living life, then I am happy to pass that opportunity up. Life is what we make of it, not what our friends or peers do. Do what you enjoy, not what everyone else enjoys. Otherwise you'll only have regrets.

Jogging- It's a big deal

So since not having a PT anymore, I've started looking into my exercise options. At the moment I am mostly walking and concentrating on health (still not 100%). However I know that if I leave it too long then I will get into the habit of NOT exercising and possibly fall back into other old bad habits.

I have never been a runner. But I have always admired people who were. It just seems like an easy free and freeing exercise. Much like cycling. Except that cycling in Australia you need a helmet for and also ride next to crazy drivers, which does not appeal to me at all.

Anyways yesterday I took the dog for a walk and decided, you know what? I'm going to try a jog most of the way to my (new) house which is a couple of blocks from where I am now. To my surprise, I actually could jog most of the way there and I also wasn't out of breathe so much as sore from using long unused muscles.

This was both surprising and heartening. I have always struggled with my breathing and it has always deterred me from taking up a few sports.

But maybe I am getting past that? Maybe jogging/running is something I can do after all?

I'm trying not to think too much about it and pressure myself into doing something that I might regret or end up hating. But I would like to give it a crack and see how I go. Maybe one day I'll be able to jog to and from my new house to the old? Maybe I'll be able to be one of those people who happily goes for a jog after work? Who knows. Time will tell.