Sleepless in Seattle

Ok so I'm not in Seattle. But I am feeling pretty sleep deprived. Last night I swear I woke up every couple of hours. This could be verified by the clock : 11.30, 00.55, 1.30, 2.50, 5.35.. and then alarm at 6am.

However, surprisingly, despite the lack of sleep, I am feeling better than yesterday. Probably because while I am tired, I don't feel like crap. I don't feel like I've derailed and want nothing else but to jump into a bowl of cookie and cream ice cream with mini m&m's ... and here's why...

I had a productive day at work yesterday. I ate my cereal and rice milk. Then went to a meeting and at 2pm had lunch, I had a chicken and salad sandwich on multigrain bread. I had a coke and a piece of chocolate. I came home from work and went to my 45min boxing group, then I went home and took the dog for a 30 min walk.

Afterwards I had a shower, ducked to the shops and came home and made a baby spinach, feta and roasted pumpkin salad with chicken (which is also my lunch today FYI) with a small bowl of oven cooked fries.

So reading that ^^ I know a lot of people would be "That is so unhealthy! I don't understand.." but the thing is I was expecting to it be a lot worse. I expected to go right off the bandwagon. But I didn't. I ate salad, I didn't eat ice cream. I did more exercise than I normally do in one day. And I feel good. I feel like I can get back on track and really start to buckle down again.

I think part of that is because of a few blogs I have been reading, about other people struggling and realising I really am not the only one. And also realising I really am not ready to stop yet. I still have a long way to go, and I really want to get there.

I had lunch with a friend the other day. I love her to bits, we are very similar in many ways, including our struggle with weight. And right now she is at the stage where she doesn't have the time or energy to do anything about it. Which I get completely. But it also really brought home how much I don't want to be in the same position. I want to do this. I want to have a body I am happy with and comfortable with and don't have to feel self conscious about when I am next to my family and friends.

I want to do this.

I want to be healthy. I want to be able to say when I eat a piece of chocolate that it really is my first for the week/month. I want to be able to say that I exercise every day. I want to be able to fit into size 14 jeans. I want to have a flat stomach. I want to feel comfortable in my body. I want to be able to move freely and not breathe heavily after a short jog.

I want to change.

So time to stop the excuses, to stop pretending I'm normal and can get away with eating what I want. Time to actually do the work and get this body in shape!

<<<My friend just sent me this photo from New Years a few years a go ( It was 80's themed)

Saying Goodbye

I am exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. This weekend was a long weekend in Australia, to celebrate Australia Day. Normally a weekend reserved for drinking, BBQ's and swimming.

Saturday wasn't too bad, I decided I didn't want to do too much because I had been helping mum clean up most of the week and knew we would be back into it on Sunday.We're moving house, saying goodbye to our childhood home of the last 14 years.

So I stayed at home and swam in our dam most of the day, then went out for dinner and watched a movie with a couple of friends. It was nice to catch up with them and just get a chance to talk. We have been friends since we were 13 but lately there has been a lot going on in all our lives so it has been getting harder and harder to get together for some decent down time.

Sunday. Wow what a day. We started off slow, slept in and deciding what we wanted to do that day. Then we spent the rest of the morning cleaning and and packing up. Then came the call at lunch time, we are going to move today. TODAY! Bloody hell.

So to back up a bit, we were moving in to my sisters and her partners house in the interim while the divorce goes through and mum finds another house... but not for another week! But my Brother-in-law (to be) decided we might as well do it now while he had the time.

So Sunday saw me, my mum, my sister and her partner packing, stacking, lifting furniture and making trips to the garages where we were storing our stuff and to their house with our more personal items. It was about 8pm by the time we were settled in and by then me and mum were exhausted. We were hot, sweaty, dusty, thirsty and tired. So I bought pizza and we had a few ruskis then went to bed.

Needless to say that sleeping in someone elses house meant that I didn't sleep well at all. Then next morning we were up and cleaning again. I stopped for lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. Then back into it again.

Again, we were so exhausted that we just grabbed what we could to eat from the fridge.

See the pattern?

But do you know what? I am so exhausted I don't care. I can't think about anything else. Today I'm back at work and will hopefully try and stick to my routine and not go buy a bag of chocolates to munch on for the sugar rush. But as for the weekend I am not going to feel guilty. I can't. I am too drained. That can wait until I have the energy and the time to evaluate and think about my eating decisions again.

But don't worry too much. I am going to boxing tonight and will have to take the dogs for a walk. So my exercise is not being affected at least.

Remembering a Conversation

I was remembering a conversation I had while I was in Sweden with my host-sister Emilie.

Emilie was complaining how her mother, Agneta, was telling her that she needed to jump on the diet bandwagon to lose the 4 kilos she had gained over the Christmas and New Year.

This irritated me to no end. This is because a) Emilie was recovering from being depressed and near suicidal b) she wasn't overweight and was still a comfortable size 10 and c) Agneta had had surgery at the beginning of the year to reduce the size of her stomach and had lost 30 kilos.

Ok so the last one probably doesn't make sense to you, but to me here is this mother who had been overweight for almost all of her entire adult life and who had to resort to surgery for her to lose weight. She has done really well and looks amazing BUT she points it out at every opportunity that she has lost weight. And that really annoys me.

Because it's not because of her that she has lost the weight, it's not because of her changing her lifestyle and eating habits, but being forced to. She physically can't eat much. And here is she is telling her daughter who has no weight problems and who is still in a vulnerable mental position to lose weight??! It just makes me mad.

A couple of days later I was watching TV with Agneta (I should point out that I was staying with Agneta and that she is like a second mum to me) and we were watching an American TV show where they match an anorexic with an obese person together and get them to swap diets. I had never seen the show before... anyways we were talking about the show and it came up about how people can be obese/overweight and can't take advice from others. They need to do it themselves.

So of course she brings up Emilie and how she's just trying to help.

Now you should know that I have a big problem with how I come across to people because I don't moderate what I say or how I say it. It's not that I do it on purpose, I just do it without thinking. So more often than not I try to keep my big mouth shut.

This time I couldn't. So I pointed out to her that I know that I am overweight, I know that I need to lose weight BUT that does not mean I want people to tell me to lose weight or offer me advice. They do not understand nor are they me or know what I am doing. That includes my mother. I made my point.

This prompted me to think of all the people who have well-meaning friends and family who constantly ask questions, or are offering advice or trying to help who don't realise just how hurtful and demeaning it is. Like catching you eat a piece of cake and saying "Should you be eating that?"

Often these people have no understanding of how hard it is. Or they think that because they have lost weight that now gives them the right to tell you how you should lose weight. Or what you are doing is wrong.

Sure there are times when advice is exactly what you want and what you need. But often it is not.

Often I just want to be left alone to deal with it myself, and not be reminded that I am not normal, that I am overweight, that I have to watch what I eat and do exercise.

And this makes me realise that dieting and losing weight can often be a lonely road. Not many of my friends need to lose weight or exercise or even eat healthily. So that means that there aren't many people that I feel I can talk to or relate to.

All I can say is thank god for the internet and blogs, where I can get all the advice I need and meet people who I can relate to who share their triumphs and failures.

Thank you to all the weight loss bloggers out there!






<Me and Mum.

Welcome Back!

So welcome to the new year: 2013!

Have you decided what you are doing this year? Travel plans? Weight loss goals? Personal/life goals?

The new year is always a time to recap and decide where I want to go in the future. It's a time for me to evaluate how much I did in the past year and decide where I want to go in the next year, and I don't just mean weight loss.

2012 was a big year for me- a lot of firsts happened. My parents decided to get divorced, I started working full time, I decided to get my training underway in April and finally take control of my health and weight. I let go of a lot of personal issues and started to build what I think is a healthy relationship with myself.

So where do I want to go in 2013? Well for starters I have a bucket list, and while I knocked off a few things last year I still have a few more to go! So this year I think I would like to go Bungee Jumping, get my boating licence and learn how to dance.

Dancing is something I have always enjoyed, even if I am not very good at it :P For new years I was lucky enough that a couple of young men were teaching me to fox trot and it made me realise just how much I wish I knew how to dance properly. I just think it is one of those things you miss out on now as a young person.

So I have decided 2013 I am going to learn a couple of new dances :)

Besides for my bucket list, I really want to change the way I train this year, possibly because my living circumstances are about to change as well. I am looking at swapping from evenings to mornings now that I am moving closer to where I am training and I am thinking of getting back into bike riding and walking now that I will be living closer to maintained footpaths. ( Where I live now is rural and there are no footpaths and the roads can be quite dangerous to ride- there have been a few accidents before.)

Besides that I have decided to volunteer a few times this year. I work for a charity, so I am quite familiar with volunteering, but I would like to get some new experiences outside of my organisation. Also a couple of my close friends are going abroad this year, so I see volunteering as a good way of meeting some new and interesting people.

Saving money is always a goal with me. I am one of those people that really wants to be financially secure and thinks about money a lot. Probably because of having a father that went broke. It something that I think has become ingrained and that I never want to be that way in my own lifestyle.

Finally, while I have progressed really well in the last year, I have come to a plateau. Partly because now that I am finally fitting into "normal" clothes and feeling good about myself I have lost some of the motivation to lose my weight. Something I need to keep reminding myself is that while I have lost weight, I am still a far cry from healthy or normal.

Right now I am probably a size 16, almost all over (which is a first because normally I have huge differences between top and bottom!) but I really want to get down to a size 12/14 which is the average size of a woman in Australia.

So time to get more motivated!

Sweden Christmas Greeting

So it appears that I have time to write a blog post in Sweden after all.

It's been a week since I arrived here, 5 years since I have lived here. It is hard to believe to be honest- so many things are the same and so many things have changed. Time has just flown by so quickly!

So going back a little way. When I was 17 I went on exchange to Sweden for a full year. That's quite huge commitment for someone so young and to go so far away from my home in Australia. It changed my life. I made friends and family for life, I tried new things, I went out and explored, I became more confident in myself and I also lost 20kgs.

That also changed my life. I realised I could be strong and strict and could lose the weight myself. The problem was that being in Sweden and being in Australia are two very different things. For instance in Sweden I lived in a small small town in the country side where I had to ride a bike if I wanted to go anywhere. Food was always readily available, but it was all very healthy and there was no junk food and no fast food restaurants either. So my choices were limited.

This never made me feel like I missed out on anything, it just took away another choice or decision I had to keep myself from making. The youth here also spend there time differently. In summer they spent more time outdoors, probably because in winter they are stuck inside. And there is a bigger focus on activities together, craft groups, wood work, beading etc

So 5 years ago a came home a different person. And now I am back, and remembering all those different things and decisions I made and wondering why I couldn't live like that back home in Australia.

But I also realised that I am also in a better place now. I am training 3 times a week in something I really enjoy and don't see myself quitting. I am also eating healthily. Even here when I am on holidays and I told myself it would be OK to relax a little and just enjoy myself I still can't bring myself to quite let go. It's a good thing to realise that what I have tried so hard to stick to is now becoming something so permanent that I don't have to think about it anymore.

For instance, when offered biscuits and cakes I will taste some if I haven't tried it before and then I pass on it from then onwards. I am making sure that I eat my salad and veggies and while I am drinking more coffee and milk over here, I am also drinking my water and cutting out other dairy products to compensate.

So far it seems to be working and I don't feel like I am indulging too much or feel guilty. It's nice to know I can trust myself.

Another thing that I learnt the last time I was here and which I remembered was to be proud of my body and to not worry about what everything thinks.

My body is what I have made it, it is no ones fault but mine, and is testament to all that I have been through and all the mistakes and successes I have made. And why should anyone else be able to hurt me or condemn me for that but me? I am who I am. I am strong, I am healthy, I am flexible and I am capable of doing everything that I have ever asked of myself. So what if I do not meet other peoples expectations of what is beautiful or fit? They do not have to live with this body, they did not make the decisions I made and they do not know the reasons for them. I do.

I have decided that I like my body, that I will continue to like my body as I get older, skinnier, fatter, saggier, wrinkles, grey hair and more. We should all embrace our bodies and make sure that we appreciate them for what they do for us. Hating yourself does not make you skinnier, or healthier. It only hurts you and your body. So be happy, accept yourself and move on to a healthier you.

God Jul och Gott Nytt År. (Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!)

Inprovements:fitness related

So last night was my last session over the Christmas period. Not because I am lazy and cutting it short, but because I fly out this Friday for 3 weeks in Sweden!

So to celebrate my trainer made me revisit one of our previous sessions and see how well I have improved. I think I did this session maybe about a month or so ago now?

Basically it is 4 exercises which you have to do 10 of at a time and complete 3 rounds in as fast as time as you can. I believe last time I just made it through 3 rounds before my half hour was up.

This time I smashed the 3 rounds and still had 10 minutes to spare. So she made me do leg drops (one of my least favourite exercises) except that even these went well for me!

So today, despite feeling a tad sore, I am feeling mightily pleased with myself for improving.

I have also promised her I will try and do something everyday that I am away and that I will send her a picture of snow, and me exercising. Otherwise I might get a message on facebook checking up on me :P

Got to love me trainer!

Looking into the new year, I have already decided that I would like to amp up my exercise. At the moment I am doing 2x 30 min personal training sessions a week and a 45min boxing session. I think next year I would like to up my PT sessions to an hour, and am still deciding whether to do another boxing session, or to try something else.

This will probably be my last post before I go away, as I can't guarantee Internet access while I'm away, so I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and I hope that the new year brings everyones new found resolutions and dedication a wonderful reward.

xox

Confidence

For many years now I have been struggling with confidence. It's something that I know a lot of people struggle with in different ways.

For me it started after I first lost weight. I was young, healthy, fit and had a new found confidence in myself and body. Cue first boyfriend.

I've had two boyfriends. Both of which loved me for who I am, but both brought out the worst in me- unhealthy eating habits, lack of exercise, cuddling up watching movies. So within 2 years I had gained pretty much all my weight back on.

Throughout this time, one of the few things that was remarked upon by friends and families alike was how confident I was, and I realised just how attractive someone who is confident can be.

When I broke up with my last BF and I realised that I had gained all my weight and more back on, my confidence took a dive.

But my pride wouldn't let me admit this. I didn't want to go back to the way I was before. So for the last 3 years I have pretended that I am happy with who I am and that I'm confident and friendly and all of the above, all the while shying away from any male contact.

I mean if I dated then they would actually have to see my body (....eventually.... if things went well). Unclothed. With all my flaws.

Its something that now that I am losing weight and getting fitter and healthier that I have thought about a lot. Will I regain my confidence? Will I be able to let someone in?

So far the answer has been a big fat NO. I have gone out and looked at guys but I can't seem to take the next step.

Lately I have been blaming the stuff going at home (parent's divorcing, moving house, father cheated and left us in debt) I mean who wants to bring someone into that? But as I try to convince mum not to give up hope on all men and that she'll find someone who loves her the way she is, I can't help wondering if I believe the same thing for myself.

But of course I'm to proud to talk about this to friends and family- that would reveal my deep seated fear and lack of confidence, and I can't have that.